Deep in Thought

i'm sorry that my blogs have been so long and rambling lately.. i've just had a lot on my mind and i need somewhere to get it all out...
I have been looking over my blog lately and it I do feel that I have made progress in my life, working on changing… I still get angry but not near as often… sometimes yes it is still as bad as it used to be but not near as much… mostly though, it’s all griping and complaining, that’s my perspective though… and I don’t know if I really like that.. yes, it is a place for me to vent but at the same time it shouldn’t all be so down and angry… I really do need to work on being positive… I am though, I am…
Last night r and I talked…as it turns out, he was having issues with me as well…it was more like, we would start to talk about something and then I could tell that it was heading in the direction of a fight so I’d change the subject and then we’d go back to it a little later… it took us a while to get everything out but we did … well, I think we did… I felt much better after we talked… everything is better on that front…
My co-worker… he hasn’t made me mad or upset me yet (and I am hoping that I don’t let him)… I guess Monday’s just make me feel kinda lonely… there is no one here that I can talk too about my weekend.. in fact, there is no one up here that I can really talk too… I didn’t realize how much I would miss that…
As far as the reunion, I said from the beginning that I didn’t want to go and I didn’t… I didn’t like high school the first time around… I really only liked the after school activities- partying, hanging out with friends that I knew/know accepted me… I was in all honors classes while my friends were in regular classes and I was so uncomfortable in there… it was all the “preppy” popular kids and I felt that I didn’t fit in… I was (and still am but I’m working on it) so insecure and uncomfortable with myself… I felt that everyone in my classes were always judging me so I always had an attitude towards them… I’m not saying it’s all their fault, I accept responsibility for part of the blame too… like I said yesterday, I was already uncomfortable about going anyways and I really don’t think I would have been comfortable there at all… I really need to quit being such a hermit and not be so anxious of the public… to be honest, I’m really sure that people out in public have much better things to do than watch me and judge me.. yes, I’m sure there will be some but for the most part, everyone else could probably care less how I look or what I do…
I need to quit being embarrassed by myself… I need to be more comfortable and sure of myself… ok with and love myself the way I should…
Ok, so now that I’m done “expressing myself” I’m going to list some positive things and hopefully that will help jump start my mood on this cloudy, rainy, cool Monday morning…
Things I am thankful for:
The fact that I am able to talk to my husband and resolve our differences…
The fact that I know I have people in my life who care about me…
My health…
The fact that I have a house to gripe about (as well as a job, a husband, kitties, this list could go on and on)…
My willingness to keep on working on myself to be a better person…
The fact that I have realized that it is impossible to be happy 100% of the time… there will be times that I am negative, down, frustrated, and stressed but as long as I just accept those times, recognize my emotions, and move on, everything will be fine and work out for the best…
The fact that I finally realize and understand what it means to be here in this moment and that I have everything that I need as of right now…
The fact that the universe will never give me more than I can handle…
The fact that I need to slow down and enjoy life… there is no reason to rush through it trying to get everything done as fast as possible… I (have and) will miss out on many things that I should have/could enjoy…