Scared

"When you're ready to crack, one more tug on your sleeve is all it takes."

at the beginning of the year i told myself that i was going to ask for help when i needed it... as well as acknowledging my emotions.... i am scared.... overwhelmed.... way out of my comfort zone... i woke up this morning in the best mood i've been in in a while.... i was cheerful and happy, even nice to my co-worker.... we were able to hold a short conversation without me being a total bitch.... i think i figured out a way to take my pain meds and not be a complete monster.... we'll see....
once again, money is really tight right now... i'm almost cleaning out our savings account to make my car payment this month.... that scares me.... it seems like just when things are going good at the restaurant they take a turn for the not-so-good.... december was a really good month... january hasn't been so good... i know though, it's right after christmas... it's to be expected.... except that we've borrowed from pretty much all the credit that we have available to borrow from and i'm sweating both the restaurant and our personal checking accounts... paying bills... is there going to be enough money in there when the checks come in? are we going to be able to pay our bills?
buying the restaurant was the one thing that i had no doubts about.... i knew (know) we can make it work and make it successful!! today i figured up our yearly profit/loss.... yeah, um, well, it was the first 5 months we were open and it wasn't a turn key operation so i guess this is to be expected?!?!? we lost over 10 grand in the first 5 months.... i have it broken down monthly and not every month shows a loss.... some months the loss was pretty substantial.... then.....
r called me today at work and really scared me... he said he wanted out, he didn't want to do it anymore and the tone of his voice was different than it normally is... when he said, do you know how depressing it is to go to work everyday and not make any money? you're working for free, and that just broke my heart.... he explained that during the day when he's there and we're slow he just starts to think about how we need to be busy and how we're not making any money.... honestly i can't imagine.... then he tells me that he called his old boss and was talking to him about getting his job back.... he would have to work at a different store, and he doesn't really want to work at that store, but he would pay him the same (and it's just right down the street!).... he goes on with several other things that i could never imagine/picture him saying, but does.... honestly, when we got off the phone i was a wreck....
i don't know what to do.... i'm trying to think of anything possible that i have to sell on ebay... i think i'm frustrated because i have changed my perspective over the past couple of days and now i feel like i took 1 step forward and 2 steps back....
i know that everything is going to be ok.... i know that everything is going to work out the way it's supposed too.... i just need to find the peace inside me so that i believe it.... i can tell myself that all day long, i just need to believe it....

on a different note, things have been crazy hectic lately at work.... we had a problem with our W2s at work, the company that we outsource our employees from had a slight accident with our last 2 check year-to-date totals and the numbers on our W2s..... we had several employees file their taxes with their last pay stub so now they have to go back and file an amended return.... it's a situation....
i haven't even gotten started on my W2s for the restaurant or the 1099s.... i'm meeting km up at her office on saturday so we can work.... i still need to fill out the reports for the taxes that are due by wednesday (and find the money to pay them with).....
the byk's (back yard kitties) that i've been feeding... i named one of them ewok... i think he/she is a runt.... she's tiny and she doesn't meow, she sounds like an ewok!! and she's so friendly.... she's always coming in on the screened in porch to look around when i'm feeding them... all of the others run off though they are getting better.... r opened up the front door the other night and ewok came running in!! he is so cute!!! and lovey!! he wants to be an inside kitty SO bad it's not even funny.... he's a really good kitty which r says is odd because he is an outside kitty... we're going to try to let him live on the back porch and see how he does... he's been in the house two or three nights this week.... different nights... not in all night long but in for a little bit... checking out the kitties and the house.... r's the one with the 2 cats max in the house rule but ewok is getting to him.... bad.... which brings me to this: i don't think mazzy will even begin to tolerate another kitty in the house.... murphy, he would get used to ewok and they would get along great... ewok was showing off for murph last night.... it was so cute!! but if ewok is going to be an inside kitty, ewok needs to go to the vet... and you know what the vet means.... more money!!
i just have to really know and trust that things will happen as they should.... that everything will work out the way that it is supposed too....