Hot!!

After re-reading parts of my blog from last year about this time it seems that I keep blogging (and griping) about the same things…. Me not being able to “control” my emotions and keep myself in check… people getting on my nerves and driving me crazy… (the same people pretty much)… and being sad…. So, have I learned anything this past year? Yes, I have. Now if I would only apply it to my life maybe it would do some good…. Maybe I should look at it from a positive point of view…. Um, at least at this point I can acknowledge my emotions and I’m not scared to actually name the emotion that I’m feeling…. To myself or my blog anyways….
Life is like a circle…. Well, at least until you change some element of your life that will break the old circle and create a new one… not all circles may be bad for you… (I suppose)… but in my case, the circle that I keep going thru is self-destructive… and not just to me… to my relationships with others as well…. this is all from my perspective and lately my perspective has been pretty negative…. Here’s my situation as I see it anyways…
Somehow (and I have no idea how) I have a herniated disc… My back started hurting 2 months after r and I got married… it never got better, it just kept getting worse and worse… when it first started hurting it was just hurting down my right side…. I was off work for over 2 months and then continued to miss even after the dr. released me to go back to work… I have never been in so much pain… the first year of my marriage I spent in a narcotic induced haze…. I went thru oxycontin and morphine patch withdrawals and I would not wish that on my worst enemy….. the bad thing is that neither the oxycontins or the patches seemed to help the pain… my body just became addicted to me taking them like I was supposed too…. until I had gone thru the withdrawals firsthand I never really understood why it was so hard for people to just walk away from pills or just leave it alone… I was only on the oxycontin for 3 months and the withdrawals I had made me want to start taking it again… just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the withdrawals… they were the worst thing I have ever experienced…. Since then, basically I’ve been on hydrocodone for my back pain, which helps but doesn’t alleviate the pain…. I’ve had multiple sets of cortisone shots in my lower back…. Most of the time the shots work for a little while… this last set has worked for 1.5 years…. My back did start hurting again around the end of November…. I was doing really good not taking a lot of pain pills… only when I really needed them but now, I’m taking them all the time… my back has really been hurting… and it’s been hurting down the left side too, not just the right side… the last time I went to the dr. he had he wanted to do another mri and then schedule me for another set of shots… (dang ‘ol stupid money tree in the back yard had to go and die though!!)
R constantly gives me hell about my back… mainly because of the cost of the shots but also because his back “hurts like hell all the time but I don’t get to take off work or whatever, I just have to deal with it”…at my previous job the shots didn’t cost me anything… the set I got 1.5 years ago I just finished paying off in November… yes, right around the time my back started hurting again….. we’re really trying to move to iowa park to be closer to the restaurant so I haven’t said anything to him about my back or the shots….
Since my back has been hurting like the devil I have been eating my pain pills like there’s no tomorrow…. The pain pills don’t mess me up because my back hurts so bad… they numb/dull the pain a little but not much…. My pain pills do make me um, well, they affect my attitude… I’m sure my attitude is probably also affected by the pain and the pills not working too well, along with stress, but my attitude seems worse when I’m on the pills…. They make me so irritable… and pissy… everyone and everything gets on my nerves… I have no tolerance level for anything at all… I go from pissy to like super hot mad, extremely mad over the stupidest smallest things (worse than usual!!)…. R, my co-workers, the kitties, people driving, people at the store, basically anyone and anything…. I can take xanax with them but I can only take so many … the xanax affect my memory and make me so sleepy although they do help calm me down…. By the end of the day I’m so tired, from being irritable, being in pain, and the pills, that when I get home and it’s bedtime I just fall into bed… then the morning rolls around and I don’t want to get up because I’m pill hung over (which leaves me so dang tired!!!)…. It’s all a vicious circle… at least for me now…. I’m damned it I do and damned if I don’t….
That’s the reason I haven’t been blogging lately… I haven’t been in the mood and I don’t really want to spread the “cheer” that I’ve been feeling lately…. The only thing I’ve wanted to share lately is my nasty attitude… I figure, if I’m going to be in a bad mood then so should everyone else… (I know, that is SO horrible!!!! But it’s the truth….)
So that’s where I’ve been at lately… trying to figure out what the best course of action would be for me to take… something’s got to give… I am not speaking to certain people right now (mainly my co-worker)…. I just can’t and have no desire too… I have absolutely no patience with him and anything that I say to him will probably be really ugly…. R keeps asking me what’s wrong? Why won’t I lighten up? That just makes me even more mad….. this certain song chorus keeps running thru my head- why do you have to be angry all the time? I don’t know dammit!!! Or I do know! I believe it’s because of all the crap I’ve said above but I don’t know what to do about it….
My brother and his fiancée were in town this weekend and even he pissed me off… normally I just take everything he says in stride but man, his comments kept getting all over me… I finally just quit talking…. I was really hoping that him and his fiancée would come over to the house so we could visit but they didn’t…. I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t feeling good on Saturday or what…. I took it as they just didn’t want to come over… (of course, the negative way to perceive it!) and that made me mad…. I see a pattern here… everything, and I mean everything, makes me mad… I know there is an answer out there but I haven’t found it yet… or maybe I have and I just looked at it the wrong way…. All I know is that I need peace… I need to find peace inside of me…
Of course all this negativity that I’ve been spewing out of me is affecting me in other ways too… I was going to count my points (from weight watchers) and start exercising… um, no… well, sometimes…. I’ve kinda been counting my points, the first week I lost 2lbs then this past week gained both back…. Not having someone to hold me accountable has kinda presented a problem for me so far… I know most of it is probably the attitude… maybe…. I don’t know… all I really know is that I feel like I’m in a funk and I don’t really know where to go to get out of it…. or for that matter, where to begin… maybe realizing (well, I’ve known that there is a problem, I’ve finally just admitted it) that there is a problem is step one…. We’ll see….

Remember, lifelong habits die hard. It is difficult enough to simply recognize our anger and jealousy, let alone to make an effort to hold back the old familiar tide of feeling or analyze its cause and results. Transforming the mind is a slow and gradual process. It is a matter of ridding ourselves, bit by bit, of instinctive, harmful habit patterns and becoming familiar with habits that necessarily bring positive results- to ourselves and others.