Hurt

Sorry, this is another long one… I’ve been pretty good at writing novels lately… I just had to get this off my chest though…
Today started off as a pretty good day… that was my thinking anyways… I was really hoping that I could maintain my positive attitude all day long… I can say that as of right now my positive attitude has gone into hiding… I am sad and hurt right now… basically, in a nutshell, I feel unappreciated, un-needed, and disrespected… some of this is work based and some of this is my personal life… at work, ever since t’s (the boss) grandson j started, my co-worker (rrll- he was basically the only one I had) has been being so rude to me… I blogged about this the other day… he’s making rude comments, not talking to me, showing j all the stuff that he does on a daily basis, and pretty much just ignoring me… this is more about being disrespected… for example, this morning, rrll was on the phone with our accountant talking to her and our boss calls… my boss is asking me to figure out how much we need to raise an employees hourly rate so that he makes about $150 more a week…. He was getting frustrated with me because I kept using the wrong number in my calculations and finally realized it… during the time we’re on the phone, the 3rd line starts ringing… I guess j doesn’t have to answer the phone, maybe he’s “too good” for that… maybe rrll told him not too, that it was the “secretary’s job”… rrll is really big on what is his job and what is your job, he will not do anything other than his job (he even quit taking out the trash on the weekend because we have a cleaning lady now.. Monday morning the office smelled rank!!! He’s trying to save $$ by not using too many trashbags!)… which is why I have to get up on my lunch break to answer the phone sometimes… I think he must think that his hold button on his phone doesn’t work… so this morning I’m on the phone with our boss and the phone rings like 10 times… if I don’t answer by 2 rings I’m not going to get it because I’m taking care of something very important… normally though (99% of the time- unless it’s our boss), I put the person on hold & answer the other line… rrll didn’t even have enough respect for me to put our accountant on hold… he just sat there talking and let it ring… he had a salesman in his office yesterday when I went to lunch and the phone started ringing… he just sat there talking to the salesman so I had to get the phone… he constantly is looking over my shoulder as if I’m incompetent… I understand the reason that he does this is because he’s incompetent but it still irritates me… he constantly points out my mistakes and makes a big deal out of them… I never point out any of his mistakes (even though there are a ton) and basically just let them go… honestly, I feel like he is in the beginning stages of alzheimers, his mom has it bad & it’s genetic, and he said something to me one day that kinda confirmed that… sometimes i feel like an overpaid babysitter, i just walk behind him and clean up his messes and mistakes... I feel bad for him and really don’t want to call him out on his mistakes because it is alzheimers but all I can do is try to hold my tongue… no promises… I can only take as much as I can take… he feels that he can call me out on things and I hate to say this but turn around is fair play… my hits would probably be below the belt but I’m pretty sure his comments towards me would cease… I don’t want to take this road though, I really am trying to take the high road… I basically feel like he so disrespects me and that really makes me mad, more upset I guess… I don’t like to feel disrespected… I started treating him like he was treating me today and he was like, are you ok? Not feeling well? I said, nope, I’m fine and went back to what I was doing…
On the personal level… remember, this is all my perception and I’m sure what’s going on at work is affecting my perception of my personal life too… I hate to admit this and talk about this but this is what my blog is for… lately I’ve been feeling unappreciated and un-needed by r… it’s like, when he gets home from work he sits down on the couch and watches tv… I feel like when I try to talk to him he doesn’t even listen to me… it just goes in one ear and out the other…like what I say isn’t important and doesn’t matter to him… it’s like, he only talks to me or whatever when he needs something… I figure this has to do with my calmness and peace of mind lately (with the exception of the past few days)… like I said before, it’s like we switched attitudes… he is angry and irritable and I’m calm and collected… I know that all this is because of the restaurant and he has so many things on his mind… I also know, without a doubt, that if I said something to him about it the issue would be resolved… I just haven’t had the energy lately to talk to him about it…
One more thing before I go…I guess this is where the unappreciated and un-needed feelings kind of come into play regarding work… a while back, in the spring, I asked my boss’s wife if j (remember grandson of the boss) was coming to work here to take rrll’s place or the boss’s place… his wife said the boss’s… to me though, it’s looking like he’s here to take rrll’s place.. if this is the case it’s really going to hurt my feelings… rrll (and sometimes the boss) refer to me as the secretary (and rrll has made some snide remarks about, oh, that’s just the secretary) and nothing more… even though my job entails much more than just being a secretary… I do payroll, HR, take care of the insurance & benefits, A/P, A/R, basically everything except purchasing… that’s rrll’s job… which lately he has been passing more responsibility on to me, well, until j got here anyways… I was under the impression when I got this job that one day when rrll retired (he’s old enough) I would get his job… from some of the comments that rrll and the boss have made though, I get the impression that I’m a woman/”female” and that women are supposed to be at home taking care of the kids… old school type mentality… I’m not all women’s lib but it really irks me when someone assumes that I can’t do something because I am a woman and not a man… it seems to me like my boss and co-worker are just, oh, she’s a girl, she can just stay the secretary, she won’t mind… but you know, I have been looking for a job where I can advance, move up… nothing I can do about it but wait and see what comes of it… I would really like to ask my boss who’s place j is taking just so I’ll know… i think i'll go home and watch the kitties, my simple delights... that's an excellent way to end a crummy day....

p.s... i think i've been talking things very hard lately because i've been dealing with my issues by eating... oh yeah, so of my 49.5lbs that i had lost i've now gained 8lbs back... 8lbs might not sound like much but the more weight you lose the more you notice when you start putting the pounds back on... that has me discouraged... every day when i wake up i say, i'm going to walk or do yoga tonight... do i though, nope. i really would like to do yoga and meditate tonight, i think that one of those or both of them would really do wonders for my attitude... i'm hoping anyways... we'll see if i actually follow thru...