Update

Lately I guess you could say that I’ve been feeling stressed and overwhelmed… and tired… tired mentally, physically, and emotionally….
things have been a bit difficult lately... let me phrase that differently, i'm not dealing with "life" so well, my perspective & perception has been off/negative.... i'm not a big fan of reality and prefer to live in my own safe little world... i don't (or try not too) let the stuff that bothers me in... i feel like i am losing my mind... mazzy, the older kitty, jumped up in my lap monday morning for some kitty love when i was getting ready for work and i just started bawling... tuesday morning i was petting murphy on my way out the door, started bawling... last wednesday i read an article about a truck that overturned down here in texas and 4 penguins were killed, that was the "beginning of the end".... that's when the uncontrollable crying started... i have had a few "highs" but they have been few and far between.... i realize this probably sounds a lot worse than it is....
I went and saw my psychiatrist Tuesday afternoon and my boss let me take the rest of the day off… can’t say I blame him… it has to be hard for my family, friends, and co-workers to deal with me… walking on eggshells all the time, never knowing what will set me off… I have never asked my doctor before what he has me “labeled” as and Tuesday he said something about one of the meds helping with bipolar disorder… that’s kinda what I had figured since my mood swings are so bad… when I say bad I mean that one minute I can be perfectly fine and then someone will say something, I’ll read something, or something will happen and then I will be irate angry or crying, in a split second… I mean, it’s not all the time (except for lately)…. we changed up my meds and i go back in 2 weeks.... we'll see how things go between now and then....
one thing I guess I should mention is that I hate being labeled… that irritates me so much… probably because of past issues that I’ve had involving labeling… I’m working on that though… resolving old issues that need to be resolved and then letting go of them… also, am I going to have to take all these meds the rest of my life just so I can feel “normal” or keep my emotions under control? I hate the thought of that… right now, I am on 4 different meds just from my psychiatrist… that doesn’t mean that I just take 4 pills a day though… oh no! I take at least 7 daily and then 3 more “as needed”… he said that they all work together… I believe him but to me the thought of having to take these pills the rest of my life is a downer… he also said that if/when r and I start thinking about kids I need to let him know so he can get me off my meds because they can cause horrible birth defects… my next thought is me, no meds, and pregnant… pregnancy really messes with your hormones and emotions and seeing the way I am now, I can’t imagine what I would be like…. Poor r… i know that this will all take care of itself and work out just fine but when I have idle time my mind just starts to thinking… right now it’s thinking of the negative…
i guess i feel like i'm stuck in a rut right now... i know that things will get better but until then i just have to take it day by day... i'm just tired of the stresses of life… the day-to-day stresses... it will pass.. i just hope soon.... i know that i have so many good things going in my life but am really seeing the negative right now and not the positive... happiness has been eluding me lately... through no one's fault but my own…
on the positive side, i do have an hour massage scheduled for monday after work... and i did yoga Monday and Tuesday night... my mood seems to be getting better and i'm really trying to work on that... even though the negative has been wanting (and has been) "winning" lately i know that my perspective will get better....
sleep has been eluding me lately too.. i've been so tired lately but as soon as i lay down in bed i'm wide awake... on a good night i'll get 4 hours of not-so-good sleep... that needs to change too, i love to sleep.. and i used to be so good at it! like I said though, day by day… be in this moment and know that I have everything that I need….
peace, not pieces.....

p.s. this was in my mailbox this morning and it fits… I need to do this in everything… ah, one note though, the use of the word God in this does not mean the judging Father figure that most people think of… it can mean anything, whatever God is to you…

AS I PREPARE TO MOVE INTO A POSITIVE FUTURE....... I RELEASE PAST NEGATIVITY

Dear God,

Thank You in advance for my positive future.

Knowing it is coming prevents me from clinging to anything negative from my past.

And it would be impossible for anyone to accuse me of not being prepared for a positive future, since the POWER and PRESENCE of Your UNIVERSAL MIND is with me always.

I am swiftly eliminating all of the 'old' & no longer welcome negative traits of my personality..... and further
strengthening my already strong & getting stronger traits, thanks to Your Higher God-Mind, Eternally within me.

Thank You for the way I am already moving into a positive future. I appreciate my strengthening trait of eternal optimism very much.

I am a genuine GOD-DIRECTED PERFECT PRESENCE of positive emotions & beliefs... which means
when I am positive, I can't be feeling negative. That's just like why I can't stand up and sit down at the same time.

Thank You Mother/Father God for this POWERFUL understanding.

And so it is.....

Amen