Rambling...

this is long... you can't say you weren't warned...

Where to begin… I’m not sure… I’ve been really busy lately and looking at my to-do list it doesn’t look like it’s going to get shorter anytime soon… well, not soon enough anyways… at lunch today I was thinking, you know, I would really love to have some “me” time… time where I can do whatever I want and not feel guilty because I’m not doing something else… that is something that I will have to work in and work on…. I’m really looking forward to the 3 day weekend that’s coming up… I was hoping for a couple of days to rest and relax… maybe Monday! Saturday and Sunday seem to be filling up pretty fast… but, if I can get everything accomplished that I want to accomplish, my to-do list will be much shorter… I think it may have something to do with the fact that I do have a 3 day weekend but I have stuff to do 2 of those days so far… and it’s stuff that has to be done… well, needs to be done…. Finish painting the restaurant… go buy and hang decorations… mom is making the curtains for the non-smoking dining room (awesome, one less thing I don’t have to worry about)… do payroll, since we’re going to be closed Monday everyone is getting paid Saturday…. At least I can get that done Friday night… that will be one more thing off my to-do list AND I won’t have to worry about it the rest of the weekend! ok, so thinking “aloud” about all the stuff that I have to do doesn’t seem that bad now… I’ll get the house cleaned tonight, start on the laundry tonight, and pay our personal bills tomorrow at work…. That pretty much takes care of my “home” to-do list… well, except for one thing… I think this might be what’s making me so, um, well, not wanting to do anything… for some reason this scares the hell out of me… I need to call a realtor to see about selling our house… what we need to do in order to list it and what repairs we need to make… what we need to fix-up… things like that… r is on me about moving to iowa park… I’m all for that! I am just really nervous about selling our house… not so much because I want to stay in it but because I’m scared of what the realtor and/or potential buyers will think… or that the realtor will be like, um, yeah, no one is going to want to buy your house… in all reality and to be perfectly honest, I know that is not going to happen… so why do I have that fear? I don’t know… I guess because I’m always so worried about what people think (I’m working on that!!)…. That they’re judging me (I’m working on that too)…. And that they’re going to judge me and my house… like I said, I’m working on that…
I’ve been reading self-help books if you will… I don’t really like those combination of words together but anyways, I’ve been reading these sorts of books lately… there is one author, Don Miguel Ruiz, he wrote The Four Agreements and there is a companion book that goes with it… the companion book walks you thru what the book explains… there are exercises that you can do…. Anyways, I’ve managed to ramble way off track… in the companion book Ruiz says, All of the personal drama that we experience, all the emotions that burn us up, that lead us into self-destruction, into addictions, into lies, into dogmas and fanaticism, are the result of our beliefs, the result of a program. He explains that we are the way we are because of the way that we were programmed, or domesticated (brought up, raised, taught, whatever word you choose to use). It’s no one’s fault because they were just programming us the way they were programmed… by us being taught that way, we were unable to choose our beliefs… what we wanted to believe … everyone else’s beliefs were just forced upon us and we accepted them… when the whole domestication process started (at birth) we had no choice but to believe what we were told….. ok, I could go on and on but to shorten this up, I’m working on changing my beliefs… I’m re-evaluating my beliefs and if I don’t like it, it’s changing… Ruiz said that everyone started looking for happiness outside of themselves because you no longer trust who you are… the world, society, the “domesticators” were always telling you what to believe so now you look out there for answers you can only find within yourself… not who everyone else thinks you are or who you should be…. Justice, beauty, happiness, love, and peace (everything that you are searching for or have been searching for) are all inside you… you have to find those good positive qualities inside yourself and then you will see them in others… so, in a really long, round about way, I guess I’m saying that I need to learn to be happy with me and myself and not worry about what others think about me… as long as I’m happy with myself what anyone else thinks about me will not bother me… that’s where I’m working on going… finding all these good positive qualities inside me (I know they’re in there, I have to believe that)… maybe believing in myself (more than I do)…. Ok, I’ve rambled on long enough… long enough to make myself feel better anyways… I guess I feel like, I know where I need to go, now I just need to get there… and programming these beliefs didn’t happen overnight so I can’t expect them to be gone overnight but I can start working on changing… baby steps right?!