Hating

i know i'm wishing my life away but i sure do wish it was friday.... for being a short week, last week was a bear.... i sure hope that yesterday and today are not examples of what is going to transpire this week.... yesterday i was freaking out... i literally felt like i was losing my mind and i'm not totally sure why... i hadn't been awake 5 minutes yesterday morning when i was already all over r's ass.... he didn't even do anything either.... maybe that was what made me mad... the fact that he hadn't done anything.... lately my anger has been flaring back up and i've been hating on everyone and everything... i know that i have some repressed emotions that i need to deal with.... they've been repressed for years and i do not want to let them surface but, i'm going to have too.... and with that i'm going to have to forgive.... which i do not want to do... but, that's the only way to make me feel better... hating on others isn't going to make them feel bad, just me... i'm probably angry too because i know what i need to do i just haven't made myself do it yet... basic emotions i need to deal with 1) hurt 2) anger 3) jealousy and to forgive.... how do you forgive though? i mean, really, truly forgive? so that it is a non-issue.... when you think about it emotionally you feel nothing.... i need to understand that first i think....
there is this other issue... jealousy... i hate using that word but that's exactly what this is.... pure jealousy.... my brother and his girlfriend.... OMG! could they not be more sickening... she is absolutely beautiful, nice, sweet, i mean, everything... the whole package... when her and my brother look at each other, which they do quite frequently, they just smile and get giddy... neither one of them is working.... they "jet set" all over the country with no cares in the world... it just blows me away.... what am i jealous of? maybe it's the fact that her dad and step-dad and mom have money and just give it to them both freely? maybe it's the fact that neither one of them work... they're both gorgeous... everything just seems to be "perfect" for them... i know that's an outsiders opinion looking in but that's what i see.... as much as i hate to say it, hanging out with them last night kinda bummed me out... it shouldn't though... what r and i have together is amazing... we've got a long way to go but we've also come a long way!! i just need to be more positive and not worry so much about "the joneses"....
one last thing before i go... my back has really been bothering me lately... and my head has been hurting... my part of the shots to the skull, $635.00.... nice! i was hoping that the shots would help more than they have... i've been back on the meds, pain pills, anxiety, and muscle relaxers... all of them... i can no longer tolerate the pain pills... even the different ones... they make me feel like i'm freaking out and my patience is totally non-existent... i'm not really happy with this situation but i don't really know what to do....
i feel so bad griping about all of this now... i know my life is good and i have everything that i need in this moment... i have nothing to be unhappy about... i need to stop whining and recognize the positive!!