Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Approved
i just went on the wells fargo website and checked to see if they had approved our personal loan or not... it was approved.... we now have the money to cover our start up costs and our down payment.... now i'm nervous!!!
Feeling Better
this morning i have a whole attitude... i am going to call the small business development center so that r and i can go talk to them about buying the cedar tree... the sbdc helps people start up businesses, buy existing business, offers free training for business owners.... stuff like that... so we're going to go talk to them and get them to help us put together a loan proposal so that we can get financing... i think i got so upset yesterday because talking to the banker was just the straw that broke the camel's back... i am still so excited about the cedar tree though!!! i know it's going to happen and it's going to be awesome!!! even if r only makes the same amount of money that he's making now, we're not losing anything... he has no benefits or anything like that thru his current job... i am so not worried about it though... we're going to give it our best shot (and prove all the haters wrong!!)
i didn't go weigh in last night.... after a long talk with k i realized that lately i feel that i have been doing ww for the wrong reasons... for everyone else but me.... i'm so proud of myself for losing44.5lbs!! i'm not quitting weight watchers but i'm just not taking it as seriously... i've proven to myself that i can lose weight and if i want to not take it as seriously i don't have too.... i'm not going to gain it back, i just want to keep losing if not just maintain... maintaining to me would be excellent!! there are 2 parts to losing weight... losing the weight and keeping it off... for some reason, right now i just want to try maintaining... see how that goes... but, like k and i talked about... i'm doing what i want to do and i'm doing it for me! i'm not going to let everyone else's "number dependency" affect me... if they want to decide their happines with numbers, so be it... happiness is not about the amount of money that you make, how much you do or don't weigh, the number of kids you do or don't have... it's about what you make out of life... it's if you decide that you want to be happy and i am so incredibly happy right now... i am so excited about the cedar tree opportunity and everything that the future holds... i am chosing to be happy!!
i didn't go weigh in last night.... after a long talk with k i realized that lately i feel that i have been doing ww for the wrong reasons... for everyone else but me.... i'm so proud of myself for losing44.5lbs!! i'm not quitting weight watchers but i'm just not taking it as seriously... i've proven to myself that i can lose weight and if i want to not take it as seriously i don't have too.... i'm not going to gain it back, i just want to keep losing if not just maintain... maintaining to me would be excellent!! there are 2 parts to losing weight... losing the weight and keeping it off... for some reason, right now i just want to try maintaining... see how that goes... but, like k and i talked about... i'm doing what i want to do and i'm doing it for me! i'm not going to let everyone else's "number dependency" affect me... if they want to decide their happines with numbers, so be it... happiness is not about the amount of money that you make, how much you do or don't weigh, the number of kids you do or don't have... it's about what you make out of life... it's if you decide that you want to be happy and i am so incredibly happy right now... i am so excited about the cedar tree opportunity and everything that the future holds... i am chosing to be happy!!
Monday, June 26, 2006
Honesty
i've been thinking all morning long.... thinking about where r and i are in life and how to allow life to manifest itself.... meaning, how can we make our thoughts our reality? i don't know...
i started this blog to allow myself a neutral place to vent, let my thoughts and emotions out, and just basically try to get everything out of my head... here i am now... sitting here and thinking about my blog earlier.... i was working and kept thinking, i wish i was busy today so my mind would quit thinking.... then i thought that it probably didn't matter how busy i was today, my mind would be on r and our current situation...
i guess i should start at the beginning.... r and i have been talking to two guys about buying a restaurant in a small town about 10 minutes away from where we live now... i would never even listen to an idea about a restaurant here... even some of the big name chain restaurants don't make it here.... our town is just too restaurant-infested.... up until this past tuesday we had no other details about the restaurant... we know that it's been there forever and everyone in town wants it to open again.... it's been closed for about 2 months... the previous "owner" ran it into the ground... r went and talked to them tuesday and then we both went out there saturday morning and talked to them.... everything that they said was excellent! the asking price, the montly payment... everything... the men that own the restaurant are so nice and kept saying that they are willing to work with us... they only want $20,000 down... that's really not bad at all... as far as businesses are concerned anyways... then we'll need some cash for start-up costs.... r and i have been super excited because he has always talked about owning his own restaurant.... i was so nervous this morning to call the banker... he's a friend of the family and we've known him forever... he said that without financials it's going to almost be impossible to get a business loan because no one is going to want to loan us the money not knowing that we will/or how we will be able to pay it back.... we don't have any financials though... we can't use the lady who they just repo'd it from... those are no good... there basically aren't any financials.... we would have to apply for a loan like a new business.... this crushes me though and i do not want to tell r this... i have absolutely no doubt that r and i could make this work... this is the one thing in my life i have been 110% sure of... we both know that it's going to be a lot of work at the beginning but we both know that together we can do it and it will be successful.... the problem, i don't know where to get the start-up cash or the down payment... if we had the money just laying around i'd be more than happy to use it but we don't.... i know i'm not supposed to but i'm taking this very personally... i feel like, if someone would just give us a chance, we could and would prove everyone wrong... i talked to mom about this on saturday to feel her out and see what she thought... i got the feeling that she doesn't think it's such a good idea and was more worried about me quitting weight watchers (if we did buy the restaurant) than she was about us buying the restaurant... it seems that people are so hung up on numbers and weight.... how much you weigh, how much you should weigh... not how happy you are or aren't... this bothers me because my happiness isn't dependent on my weight... it's dependent on my life and my life with r... it's not dependent on a number... any number for that matter.... several people have commented that it should be really easy to get a business loan for such a small amount of money.... after talking to the banker this morning i felt like a failure.... and i had only talked to one banker... he didn't even deny us... he just told us that most banks were going to be against us.... only because of the financials... it has nothing to do with how good our credit is... or how hard we've worked to get where we are today.... it's because we don't have any financials... (sorry, i'm getting pissed now... i think that's why i didn't really say much about it earlier... my feelings were already hurt and i didn't really want to discuss it.... too late now, it's out in the open and my emotions are on the surface....) my question is, how do people with no money start up their own businesses? we don't have anything to put up as collateral and i'm getting the feeling, from more than one person, that we shouldn't do this, it won't be successful... does no one care how r and i feel? does no one care that we know we can make it work? yes it will take time to build up our customer base but damn, that's all we have is time!!! and experience!! between the both of us i am 110% confident that we could make the cedar tree a successful business!! he has the know how to run a restaurant and i have the know how to keep the books... he's always worked in the food service industry and always will... why, personal reasons that are none of anyones business.... he doesn't feel appreciated at the job he's in now and i can't say that i blame him for wanting to better himself and his family... yes, there is a chance we could lose our asses but that's a chance we're both willing to take... if it wasn't going to work we both wouldn't be willing to chance it.... something would be telling one of us no... if it's meant to be it will all work out... how, i don't know at this point... all i can do is have faith....
i started this blog to allow myself a neutral place to vent, let my thoughts and emotions out, and just basically try to get everything out of my head... here i am now... sitting here and thinking about my blog earlier.... i was working and kept thinking, i wish i was busy today so my mind would quit thinking.... then i thought that it probably didn't matter how busy i was today, my mind would be on r and our current situation...
i guess i should start at the beginning.... r and i have been talking to two guys about buying a restaurant in a small town about 10 minutes away from where we live now... i would never even listen to an idea about a restaurant here... even some of the big name chain restaurants don't make it here.... our town is just too restaurant-infested.... up until this past tuesday we had no other details about the restaurant... we know that it's been there forever and everyone in town wants it to open again.... it's been closed for about 2 months... the previous "owner" ran it into the ground... r went and talked to them tuesday and then we both went out there saturday morning and talked to them.... everything that they said was excellent! the asking price, the montly payment... everything... the men that own the restaurant are so nice and kept saying that they are willing to work with us... they only want $20,000 down... that's really not bad at all... as far as businesses are concerned anyways... then we'll need some cash for start-up costs.... r and i have been super excited because he has always talked about owning his own restaurant.... i was so nervous this morning to call the banker... he's a friend of the family and we've known him forever... he said that without financials it's going to almost be impossible to get a business loan because no one is going to want to loan us the money not knowing that we will/or how we will be able to pay it back.... we don't have any financials though... we can't use the lady who they just repo'd it from... those are no good... there basically aren't any financials.... we would have to apply for a loan like a new business.... this crushes me though and i do not want to tell r this... i have absolutely no doubt that r and i could make this work... this is the one thing in my life i have been 110% sure of... we both know that it's going to be a lot of work at the beginning but we both know that together we can do it and it will be successful.... the problem, i don't know where to get the start-up cash or the down payment... if we had the money just laying around i'd be more than happy to use it but we don't.... i know i'm not supposed to but i'm taking this very personally... i feel like, if someone would just give us a chance, we could and would prove everyone wrong... i talked to mom about this on saturday to feel her out and see what she thought... i got the feeling that she doesn't think it's such a good idea and was more worried about me quitting weight watchers (if we did buy the restaurant) than she was about us buying the restaurant... it seems that people are so hung up on numbers and weight.... how much you weigh, how much you should weigh... not how happy you are or aren't... this bothers me because my happiness isn't dependent on my weight... it's dependent on my life and my life with r... it's not dependent on a number... any number for that matter.... several people have commented that it should be really easy to get a business loan for such a small amount of money.... after talking to the banker this morning i felt like a failure.... and i had only talked to one banker... he didn't even deny us... he just told us that most banks were going to be against us.... only because of the financials... it has nothing to do with how good our credit is... or how hard we've worked to get where we are today.... it's because we don't have any financials... (sorry, i'm getting pissed now... i think that's why i didn't really say much about it earlier... my feelings were already hurt and i didn't really want to discuss it.... too late now, it's out in the open and my emotions are on the surface....) my question is, how do people with no money start up their own businesses? we don't have anything to put up as collateral and i'm getting the feeling, from more than one person, that we shouldn't do this, it won't be successful... does no one care how r and i feel? does no one care that we know we can make it work? yes it will take time to build up our customer base but damn, that's all we have is time!!! and experience!! between the both of us i am 110% confident that we could make the cedar tree a successful business!! he has the know how to run a restaurant and i have the know how to keep the books... he's always worked in the food service industry and always will... why, personal reasons that are none of anyones business.... he doesn't feel appreciated at the job he's in now and i can't say that i blame him for wanting to better himself and his family... yes, there is a chance we could lose our asses but that's a chance we're both willing to take... if it wasn't going to work we both wouldn't be willing to chance it.... something would be telling one of us no... if it's meant to be it will all work out... how, i don't know at this point... all i can do is have faith....
Mixed Up
This morning I was driving to work, looked at my hand, and realized that i was gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles were white…. We only have 4 more days, after today, until vacation… I can’t wait!! Saturday morning r and I went and talked to 2 guys about an incredible business opportunity… I was so not even nervous or worried until I was on my way to meet them…. Up until this morning everything seemed so do-able… like it was right there for us to take…. Now, I’m not so sure… I know that everything happens for a reason but how do you know when you’re trying too hard to make it happen? Where is the line? I’m not sure how you determine that… right now I really don’t feel too sure of much of anything…. 3 hours ago I had a totally different point of view… this morning I was so excited to blog… I just couldn’t wait to get to work because I had so much to say… that balloon has been deflated and now I don’t really know what to say….
R and I had a really good weekend… we didn’t do much of anything but it was still good!! My meeting is tonight…. last week I said I was going to go and stay for the meeting… i don’t really want too now… I would just like to go home and go to bed… I’m so dang tired… I haven’t slept well the past 2 nights… I’ve been having crazy stressful dreams! Anyways, I guess I’m off to work….
R and I had a really good weekend… we didn’t do much of anything but it was still good!! My meeting is tonight…. last week I said I was going to go and stay for the meeting… i don’t really want too now… I would just like to go home and go to bed… I’m so dang tired… I haven’t slept well the past 2 nights… I’ve been having crazy stressful dreams! Anyways, I guess I’m off to work….
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Life
Ah, where to begin… I went and got my hair done yesterday, cut and colored… I really like it, she cut the back of it off and it feels so much better… not that it was really long in the first place, but I’m not a hair kind of person… she also pierced my right ear 2 more times for me! I love getting my ears pierced!!! That makes for a total of 10, 6 in the right, 4 in the left… next time I go in I think we’re going to work on the left side… maybe… my right ear is pretty sore and I didn’t realize how much I used my left ear for until yesterday… we’ll just have to see how long the soreness lasts! If it’s not that bad then we’ll go ahead and do it…
R called me at work yesterday and told me that a little tiny kitten ran across the street yesterday and almost got hit by a car… last night we were watching tv and we kept hearing this little meowing…. There are 2 baby kittens outside our house! They’re white with a little brown and black… and oh so fluffy and furry!! They are so adorable!! I know we can’t keep them… two inside is enough…. They’re just so little and adorable though, they break my heart!! we haven’t seen any other babies around though…. they’re so wild… the neighbors from across the street came over last night, they were sitting outside and heard them meowing, and we asking if they were ours… they said they weren’t theirs and weren’t sure where they came from…. One lady kept saying to call animal control… I don’t think I can do that, our animal shelter is not a no-kill shelter… the one in a neighboring county is but not ours… she said they were little enough to be adopted but I feel so bad… I don’t know what to do… all over 2 baby kittens…
This morning when I got to work one of our foremen came over to the office and said, hey, come see what I’ve got in the back of my truck… he had a raccoon in a cage!! He said that it was in their backyard last night and so he put a trap out… he trapped it and said he couldn’t bring himself to shoot it… my reply, good!! It was so cute too!!! he’s going to let it go over by our main shop….
These poor little furry animals… I feel so bad for them… I realize that this is the way life is and that these things are going to happen but for some reason the cute, furry animals just get to me!!! talk about tearing at my heart strings!!! Up until we got mazzy I could take an animal or leave it… now, man my feelings have changed!! I would save all the little furry animals if I could… On a different note though, last night one of my friends called… we got to talking about life and how it seems that everything is just falling into place right now… things are so good, not just for r and I but for everyone… life is just rolling right along and it’s like I couldn’t ask for anything more!! The plans that we’ve talked about and the future that we hoped we would have just seems to be unfolding! I could not be happier!!! (with the exception of the little furry animals! J) but seriously, the skies are so blue!! It kinda makes me nervous because in the past when life has started to go good I started looking for the bottom to fall out… not this time though! life is good and it is going to continue to stay and be good!!! There will be little bumps along the way but that’s to be expected… knowing that I have r, my friends, and family by my side I know that together we can overcome anything!! There is nothing that we can’t handle!!
R called me at work yesterday and told me that a little tiny kitten ran across the street yesterday and almost got hit by a car… last night we were watching tv and we kept hearing this little meowing…. There are 2 baby kittens outside our house! They’re white with a little brown and black… and oh so fluffy and furry!! They are so adorable!! I know we can’t keep them… two inside is enough…. They’re just so little and adorable though, they break my heart!! we haven’t seen any other babies around though…. they’re so wild… the neighbors from across the street came over last night, they were sitting outside and heard them meowing, and we asking if they were ours… they said they weren’t theirs and weren’t sure where they came from…. One lady kept saying to call animal control… I don’t think I can do that, our animal shelter is not a no-kill shelter… the one in a neighboring county is but not ours… she said they were little enough to be adopted but I feel so bad… I don’t know what to do… all over 2 baby kittens…
This morning when I got to work one of our foremen came over to the office and said, hey, come see what I’ve got in the back of my truck… he had a raccoon in a cage!! He said that it was in their backyard last night and so he put a trap out… he trapped it and said he couldn’t bring himself to shoot it… my reply, good!! It was so cute too!!! he’s going to let it go over by our main shop….
These poor little furry animals… I feel so bad for them… I realize that this is the way life is and that these things are going to happen but for some reason the cute, furry animals just get to me!!! talk about tearing at my heart strings!!! Up until we got mazzy I could take an animal or leave it… now, man my feelings have changed!! I would save all the little furry animals if I could… On a different note though, last night one of my friends called… we got to talking about life and how it seems that everything is just falling into place right now… things are so good, not just for r and I but for everyone… life is just rolling right along and it’s like I couldn’t ask for anything more!! The plans that we’ve talked about and the future that we hoped we would have just seems to be unfolding! I could not be happier!!! (with the exception of the little furry animals! J) but seriously, the skies are so blue!! It kinda makes me nervous because in the past when life has started to go good I started looking for the bottom to fall out… not this time though! life is good and it is going to continue to stay and be good!!! There will be little bumps along the way but that’s to be expected… knowing that I have r, my friends, and family by my side I know that together we can overcome anything!! There is nothing that we can’t handle!!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Grand!
Life is grand!! No matter how sarcastic it may sound I am being honest!! I would like to say, right now life is grand but looking at the big picture, life is grand!! There are some bumps along the way but for the most part, it’s awesome!! Things are just going so good!! Everything seems to be turning out the way we hoped it would! R and I have been planning… well, planning as much as you can really plan life… talking about our future I should say… I am so excited for us and what the future holds!! Years ago when we would talk about the future or I would think about it I would have never imagined that we are actually in the process of manifesting what we want out of life!!! It is truly incredible!! R and I are meeting with two guys Saturday morning regarding a future business opportunity!! That is so exciting!!! I am so happy!! last night when I was laying in bed before going to sleep I was thinking, I’ll probably be in a bad mood tomorrow because the Mavericks lost… but no, I wasn’t! in fact, this is probably the best mood I’ve been in all week, so far! Regarding the Mavericks…. I can’t believe they lost… and to the heat! If you would have asked me when the finals started who would win, I would have said, without a doubt, the Mavericks!! But then the heat turn around and win 4 games in a row!?!?! What is that about?!?! It sure is a good thing I’m not a gambling kind of woman!! But, in the big picture, it’s no big deal and it doesn’t affect me in the least… I just enjoy watching the nba finals….
Life is just rocking right along though… I’m reading The Tao of Pooh and it is so good!! It’s so truthful!! I have read it before but it didn’t really make much sense… I’m not sure if the other books that I’ve been reading have helped me understand it or if I’m just at that point in life where it is now making sense to me… either way, I’ll take it… I just need to learn to roll with the punches…. Take things as they come… life is always changing and contrary to what I used to believe, change isn’t always bad! I’m still a very “routine” kind of person but like I said, change can be good!!! I’m off to get my hair “did”…. More later~
Life is just rocking right along though… I’m reading The Tao of Pooh and it is so good!! It’s so truthful!! I have read it before but it didn’t really make much sense… I’m not sure if the other books that I’ve been reading have helped me understand it or if I’m just at that point in life where it is now making sense to me… either way, I’ll take it… I just need to learn to roll with the punches…. Take things as they come… life is always changing and contrary to what I used to believe, change isn’t always bad! I’m still a very “routine” kind of person but like I said, change can be good!!! I’m off to get my hair “did”…. More later~
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
-5lbs. = -44.5lbs
I went and weighed last night… I lost 5lbs for a total loss of 44.5lbs!! I am very excited!! And surprised since I had no motivation and didn’t track anything at all last week!! I bought the magazine while I was there though…. there was an article in it about motivation and the meetings… I know the meetings motivate me I just need to plan better so that I can and will stay for one! I need to snack on something light at work around 4 so that I’m not starving and will stay!! That’s the main reason I don’t stay, I’m so dang hungry!! Anywho, 44.5lbs!! that’s amazing!!
As for my mood.. I’m not in a good mood or a bad mood, as I told r last night, I’m just kinda existing right now… I’m here… I don’t have much of anything to say.… that’s about it…. I know staying for the meeting last night would have really helped me out but…. That’s ok though… r had me talking and laughing last night…. That helped my mood today, it is better than yesterday… besides that, well, I don’t guess I know anything…
As for my mood.. I’m not in a good mood or a bad mood, as I told r last night, I’m just kinda existing right now… I’m here… I don’t have much of anything to say.… that’s about it…. I know staying for the meeting last night would have really helped me out but…. That’s ok though… r had me talking and laughing last night…. That helped my mood today, it is better than yesterday… besides that, well, I don’t guess I know anything…
Monday, June 19, 2006
Monday (Again!)
It’s Monday, once again… not that it being Monday is a bad thing, I just wish it was about 2 Mondays from now…. Or at least one… vacation is coming up, the last day I’ll work will be june 30th… and then we’ll come back on july 10th…. I am so ready and looking forward to it… r is taking off that whole week too so we can just hang out and do whatever… I’m so excited that he’s going to be off too… the only downfall, I know that when Monday the 10th rolls around and it’s time to come back to work it’s going to be really hard… it was hard to come to work today… we had another exceptional weekend and I am just really missing him… and the kitties, even though they acted crazy all weekend long!! I know I’ve said it before but I don’t know how I could feel anymore love for him or how I could feel any closer to him but it keeps happening… I am so absolutely in love with him…. We just keep having these amazing times and talks… it’s amazing because I feel so comfortable with him and can tell him and talk to him about anything…. This is unconditional love and I am so lucky to feel this and to have someone feel this way about me…
This past week I didn’t write down/track anything I ate all week long…. In a way I feel guilty but then I keep asking myself, why should I feel guilty? I don’t know if it’s because my parents instilled in me a drive to never quit or because of what other people think…. Or maybe a combination of both… this past week I told myself, and r, repeatedly that I was going to weigh in and stay for the meeting tonight…. this morning I found myself not wanting to do anything… not wanting to go to work, to go weigh in tonight, or go to the meeting… I know that I will feel better after the meeting, I always do, it’s just the getting there that is a problem…. Maybe I should say, it’s making myself go that’s the problem!! This morning the scale said I lost, I’m not too worried about that though… if I can maintain and not gain I’ll be really happy!! i’m going to try to go tonight… I know people say that there is no such thing as trying… you either do or don’t…
Work called 3 times Friday night after I left… man, I feel guilty about that too… very guilty…. The first 2 times were because of my mistake…. Well, the 3rd one could be classified as my mistake too but…. I don’t know… that might have been one reason I was so dreading work this morning…. I didn’t notice that one of our guys didn’t get paid… well, he got a check, it just went to our other location, which is over 4 hours away… if I would have been paying attention I would have noticed that he didn’t get a check but I wasn’t… it’s really not that big of a deal, I just feel so bad…. Messing up people’s money really bothers me… I know that a lot of our guys live from paycheck to paycheck and they need what they are counting on…. my boss loaned him some money so like I said, it’s not really that big of a deal, but it’s still his money that I didn’t get here…
I didn’t realize until yesterday how many pills I’ve been taking lately… the pain pills I’m on because my body is physically addicted to them so I’m just going to wait until vacation and then get off of them… the other pills I take because of the pain pills… they help calm me down… yesterday though I was looking and realized that I need to cut back on the pill usage… I was going so good until my back started hurting me again…. my back is still hurting but to avoid being classified as a hypochondriac, I’ll blog it but not speak of it… I know, excuses excuses… I’m feeling super guilty today, like I have done something horribly wrong and I can’t think of anything that I have done to make me feel this way… I think pms is playing a big part in the way I feel today…. It’s either that or depression creeping back in…. I think I’m going to go with pms…. Well, the boss is here, more later…
This past week I didn’t write down/track anything I ate all week long…. In a way I feel guilty but then I keep asking myself, why should I feel guilty? I don’t know if it’s because my parents instilled in me a drive to never quit or because of what other people think…. Or maybe a combination of both… this past week I told myself, and r, repeatedly that I was going to weigh in and stay for the meeting tonight…. this morning I found myself not wanting to do anything… not wanting to go to work, to go weigh in tonight, or go to the meeting… I know that I will feel better after the meeting, I always do, it’s just the getting there that is a problem…. Maybe I should say, it’s making myself go that’s the problem!! This morning the scale said I lost, I’m not too worried about that though… if I can maintain and not gain I’ll be really happy!! i’m going to try to go tonight… I know people say that there is no such thing as trying… you either do or don’t…
Work called 3 times Friday night after I left… man, I feel guilty about that too… very guilty…. The first 2 times were because of my mistake…. Well, the 3rd one could be classified as my mistake too but…. I don’t know… that might have been one reason I was so dreading work this morning…. I didn’t notice that one of our guys didn’t get paid… well, he got a check, it just went to our other location, which is over 4 hours away… if I would have been paying attention I would have noticed that he didn’t get a check but I wasn’t… it’s really not that big of a deal, I just feel so bad…. Messing up people’s money really bothers me… I know that a lot of our guys live from paycheck to paycheck and they need what they are counting on…. my boss loaned him some money so like I said, it’s not really that big of a deal, but it’s still his money that I didn’t get here…
I didn’t realize until yesterday how many pills I’ve been taking lately… the pain pills I’m on because my body is physically addicted to them so I’m just going to wait until vacation and then get off of them… the other pills I take because of the pain pills… they help calm me down… yesterday though I was looking and realized that I need to cut back on the pill usage… I was going so good until my back started hurting me again…. my back is still hurting but to avoid being classified as a hypochondriac, I’ll blog it but not speak of it… I know, excuses excuses… I’m feeling super guilty today, like I have done something horribly wrong and I can’t think of anything that I have done to make me feel this way… I think pms is playing a big part in the way I feel today…. It’s either that or depression creeping back in…. I think I’m going to go with pms…. Well, the boss is here, more later…
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Growing Up
I’m not real sure how to start my blog today… there are so many different emotions that I’m feeling right now… love, confusion, sadness, and worry… I guess first would be my love for r… we celebrated our 3 year anniversary yesterday and it seems that lately things have just been getting better and better between us…. Not that things weren’t good before, they’re just getting better! unconditional love is so amazing… knowing that r loves me the way that I am and will love me makes me feel so good… it makes me love him even more… sometimes I feel like it’s impossible to love him even more than I already do… I hope that everyone can experience this kind of love in their life… it’s the most amazing thing in the world! That I’ve experienced so far anyways…
Mom called last night… I hadn’t talked to her in a while…. She called to tell me that grandma was coming into town with my aunt and uncle… they’ll be here from today until Monday morning early…. then they’ll go back to Tennessee… mom was calling to warn me that grandma was going to be staying at the house so that I wouldn’t be caught off guard… I appreciate that! I would have freaked out if I had called over there and hadn’t have known…. Mom told me that I didn’t have to come over if I didn’t want too… I do not want to see her… but in a way I feel bad about that… she’s just an old “stuck in her ways” person… but the way she treats daddy and his sister makes me so mad! I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this situation… I’m trying not to let it stress me out but it is… big time! Mom has a dr. appt. this morning… she gave me some news last night that worried me… poor momma… I feel for her… she’s a strong woman though….
in addition to this, my co-worker, stabbed me in the back... well, that's how i feel anyways... i got my job thru my best friend... her mom is a cpa and wmp is one of their clients... they were looking for a bookkeeper and i was looking to get away from cingular... yesterday my co-worker goes over to the cpa's office... he ends up complaining about her oldest daughter and i... my co-worker is the nosy one and i feel like he is trying to make me out to be a bad person... he is acting like i'm trying to be the nosy one though.... to me it's a big thing because he is basically saying that they're giving me info (and/or i'm asking) that he doesn't want me to know... it's about our bonuses... my opinion, i don't care who is getting what bonus... my boss has been running this business since he started it and it's been extremely successful... he will do what he feels he needs to do... i'm the one who actually submits the bonuses thru payroll so i'm not sure what his problem is but i think that he feels left out of the loop since the girls call me now and not him... i have no idea if this makes any sense or not but i am not happy with him doing this and am probably going to say something to my boss about it... my co-worker has no right to do that...
When I was little I didn’t think growing up was ever going to happen… it seemed like time just drug by… I remember being in 3rd grade and thinking, high school, what?!?! I’ll never be in high school!!! This year is my 10 year reunion… that is crazy… now that I’m older it seems like time just flies by… that there isn’t enough time in the day some days… hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I knew then what I know now… I think everyone does though…. growing up isn’t exactly what I thought it was going to be but then, I have no idea what I thought it was going to be like… all I can do is stay positive and know that everything happens for a reason…
Mom called last night… I hadn’t talked to her in a while…. She called to tell me that grandma was coming into town with my aunt and uncle… they’ll be here from today until Monday morning early…. then they’ll go back to Tennessee… mom was calling to warn me that grandma was going to be staying at the house so that I wouldn’t be caught off guard… I appreciate that! I would have freaked out if I had called over there and hadn’t have known…. Mom told me that I didn’t have to come over if I didn’t want too… I do not want to see her… but in a way I feel bad about that… she’s just an old “stuck in her ways” person… but the way she treats daddy and his sister makes me so mad! I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this situation… I’m trying not to let it stress me out but it is… big time! Mom has a dr. appt. this morning… she gave me some news last night that worried me… poor momma… I feel for her… she’s a strong woman though….
in addition to this, my co-worker, stabbed me in the back... well, that's how i feel anyways... i got my job thru my best friend... her mom is a cpa and wmp is one of their clients... they were looking for a bookkeeper and i was looking to get away from cingular... yesterday my co-worker goes over to the cpa's office... he ends up complaining about her oldest daughter and i... my co-worker is the nosy one and i feel like he is trying to make me out to be a bad person... he is acting like i'm trying to be the nosy one though.... to me it's a big thing because he is basically saying that they're giving me info (and/or i'm asking) that he doesn't want me to know... it's about our bonuses... my opinion, i don't care who is getting what bonus... my boss has been running this business since he started it and it's been extremely successful... he will do what he feels he needs to do... i'm the one who actually submits the bonuses thru payroll so i'm not sure what his problem is but i think that he feels left out of the loop since the girls call me now and not him... i have no idea if this makes any sense or not but i am not happy with him doing this and am probably going to say something to my boss about it... my co-worker has no right to do that...
When I was little I didn’t think growing up was ever going to happen… it seemed like time just drug by… I remember being in 3rd grade and thinking, high school, what?!?! I’ll never be in high school!!! This year is my 10 year reunion… that is crazy… now that I’m older it seems like time just flies by… that there isn’t enough time in the day some days… hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I knew then what I know now… I think everyone does though…. growing up isn’t exactly what I thought it was going to be but then, I have no idea what I thought it was going to be like… all I can do is stay positive and know that everything happens for a reason…
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Emotions
Where to start… I didn’t go to my meeting last night, I didn’t even go weigh in…. I feel so guilty about that too but I was thinking… why am I feeling guilty for not going? I don’t know… I’m not quitting, I’m just not trying so hard…. Is this ok? Is this why I feel guilty? I don’t know…. Monday turned out to be a good day though…. well, with the exception of me feeling guilty because I didn’t go to my meeting… and getting worked up right before I left work… I got all worked up because of r’s co-worker… I got home from work and it was so hot, I was so tired, and just really didn’t feel like going anywhere…. so I didn’t… this bothers me too… that I’m trying to justify this to myself… not going to the meeting… I don’t have to answer to anyone…
Tomorrow is our 3 year anniversary…. We don’t really have any plans, just hang out together… maybe go out to eat… we’ll just see how it turns out… we can always do something this weekend…
I just got off myspace and I am in a pretty foul mood… I’ve been talking about dealing with my emotions and being on myspace brings those emotions that I don’t want to deal with forward… ok, so identifying emotions… sad/hurt and angry…. Ok, let me rephrase that… sad/hurt makes me angry… now I realize that I’m angry because I’m feeling sad and hurt… this is what gets me though… these emotions have been repressed for about 12 years…. Maybe even longer… I think that if I would just deal with these emotions they wouldn’t bother my anymore… I don’t know how to go about dealing with them though… I’m not sure where to start…. I know the source of the pain… I just don’t know how to let it all go and not have it bother me anymore… DAMN!! What is my problem?!?!? I have no idea why/how I let myself get so worked up over what should be water under the bridge…. I have no idea if I’ve posted this or not… it’s been in my inbox for a while… I think this would be an excellent idea for me to try… I think it would be an excellent idea to try but it scares the hell out of me… I so do not want to go there at all…. There are so many things buried that I just want to leave buried and not have to deal with… I just want them to go away…. As r says, if you ignore whatever it is it’s not going to go away….
Throughout our lives, we may experience emotions that disturb or distress us. Often, our first reaction is to push our feelings away. We may say, "I don't want to think about that right now, I'll think about it later" and we bury our emotions, deny the validity of our feelings, or distract ourselves with other concerns. But the diverse emotions you experience are neither good nor bad-they are simply a part being human. Choosing not to experience pain, anger, or other intense feelings could cause those feelings to become buried deep into your physical body. There, they may linger unresolved and unable to emerge, even as they affect the way you experience the world. Allowing yourself to experience all of your emotions rather than push the more painful ones away can help you come to terms with your feelings so you can experience them and then move on. It is possible to bring forth the old feelings you have pushed aside and experience them in a safe and enriching way. It may sound silly to set aside time to feel your old wounds that you haven't dealt with, but this can be a very beneficial healing experience. Find a safe place and pick a time when you can be alone. Make sure that you feel secure and comfortable in your surroundings. Bring to mind the circumstances that originally triggered the emotions you've been pushing away. You may need to revisit these circumstances by reading relevant entries in your journal or using visualization to relive your past. Once you have triggered your long-denied emotions, let yourself feel your feelings, and try not to judge your reactions. Cry or sound your emotions if you need to, and don't block the flow of your feelings. Allow any thoughts that are connected to your emotions to surface. As you release the feelings you have pushed inside of you, you will find yourself healing from the experience associated with these emotions. When you deal with your feelings directly, they can move through you rather than staying stopped up in your body as emotional blocks that can sometimes turn into disease. Acknowledging your emotions, instead of pushing them away, allows you to stay emotionally healthy and in touch with your feelings.
Tomorrow is our 3 year anniversary…. We don’t really have any plans, just hang out together… maybe go out to eat… we’ll just see how it turns out… we can always do something this weekend…
I just got off myspace and I am in a pretty foul mood… I’ve been talking about dealing with my emotions and being on myspace brings those emotions that I don’t want to deal with forward… ok, so identifying emotions… sad/hurt and angry…. Ok, let me rephrase that… sad/hurt makes me angry… now I realize that I’m angry because I’m feeling sad and hurt… this is what gets me though… these emotions have been repressed for about 12 years…. Maybe even longer… I think that if I would just deal with these emotions they wouldn’t bother my anymore… I don’t know how to go about dealing with them though… I’m not sure where to start…. I know the source of the pain… I just don’t know how to let it all go and not have it bother me anymore… DAMN!! What is my problem?!?!? I have no idea why/how I let myself get so worked up over what should be water under the bridge…. I have no idea if I’ve posted this or not… it’s been in my inbox for a while… I think this would be an excellent idea for me to try… I think it would be an excellent idea to try but it scares the hell out of me… I so do not want to go there at all…. There are so many things buried that I just want to leave buried and not have to deal with… I just want them to go away…. As r says, if you ignore whatever it is it’s not going to go away….
Throughout our lives, we may experience emotions that disturb or distress us. Often, our first reaction is to push our feelings away. We may say, "I don't want to think about that right now, I'll think about it later" and we bury our emotions, deny the validity of our feelings, or distract ourselves with other concerns. But the diverse emotions you experience are neither good nor bad-they are simply a part being human. Choosing not to experience pain, anger, or other intense feelings could cause those feelings to become buried deep into your physical body. There, they may linger unresolved and unable to emerge, even as they affect the way you experience the world. Allowing yourself to experience all of your emotions rather than push the more painful ones away can help you come to terms with your feelings so you can experience them and then move on. It is possible to bring forth the old feelings you have pushed aside and experience them in a safe and enriching way. It may sound silly to set aside time to feel your old wounds that you haven't dealt with, but this can be a very beneficial healing experience. Find a safe place and pick a time when you can be alone. Make sure that you feel secure and comfortable in your surroundings. Bring to mind the circumstances that originally triggered the emotions you've been pushing away. You may need to revisit these circumstances by reading relevant entries in your journal or using visualization to relive your past. Once you have triggered your long-denied emotions, let yourself feel your feelings, and try not to judge your reactions. Cry or sound your emotions if you need to, and don't block the flow of your feelings. Allow any thoughts that are connected to your emotions to surface. As you release the feelings you have pushed inside of you, you will find yourself healing from the experience associated with these emotions. When you deal with your feelings directly, they can move through you rather than staying stopped up in your body as emotional blocks that can sometimes turn into disease. Acknowledging your emotions, instead of pushing them away, allows you to stay emotionally healthy and in touch with your feelings.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Update
it’s Monday and I haven’t blogged in a while… well, blogged anything of any “importance”…. I’m not too glad it’s Monday but that’s ok though…. after today only 14 more working days until vacation! I am so ready for vacation…. Time to get away from work and just relax…. Not do much, just hang out… r and I were talking this weekend about him taking off work that week too… we were also talking about maybe trying to redo the front bathroom but, we’ll see on that one… it would be nice just to have time off to not have to do anything…. R and I had a really good weekend… I left work about 45 minutes early Friday because my stomach was hurting… it had been hurting since Thursday night and hurt all day long… Friday night we watched the end of season 3 of the sopranos and then watched running scared… I love the sopranos! Running scared was ok, it was long though…. Saturday I was very productive…. The kitties woke me up at what seemed like the crack of dawn so I got up, went to the grocery store, came home, cleaned up my car, and swept off the back porch… the amount of dust and kitty fur on the back porch was absolutely amazing… needless to say, my sinuses and allergies have been bothering me since… that’s ok though…. the back porch looks much better!! (I put my pedometer on Saturday morning when I got up and took it off when r got home, I walked 3.68 miles… and my legs are so sore from cleaning my car!! The wheels were a killer!!) after that though I didn’t do anything the rest of the weekend… just hung out and chilled… it was really good to just spend time with r… nice, quiet, and relaxing… I hated it though that Monday had to come… when we have a good weekend or I’m just really feeling close to him and/or the kitties I hate going to work… I don’t want the good times/feelings to end and I hate to leave them…. I know that probably sounds corny but it’s the truth…. Not that the good times/feelings have ended I just would love to be back at the house with the three of them, even though r is at work….
One of our really good friends hurt my feelings Friday though I didn’t hear about it until last night… he’s made comments before but the comments before never really bothered me… I guess it’s just because I feel that, with the exception of lately, I’ve been trying really hard to “clean up” my life… get rid of all the negativity and things that I don’t need in my life… (I’m talking about my pills and my attitude)…. And going back to the blog about me feeling like a hypochondriac… “it’s always something with me”… that’s how I feel… (even though today I’m great… I don’t feel bad, there isn’t anything wrong, I’m tired but I think that’s the danged ‘ol heat!! How I love the Texas heat…. Ok, not so much…) maybe I should just start keeping everything to myself… when I feel bad, down, or whatever… just not say anything to anyone… I don’t know if this is the right attitude to have or not… I just know that I feel I have been working really hard to try to get my life right and to get control of it (and myself) and by him making that comment I feel that everything has just been nullified… I know that I shouldn’t be concerned by what others think but when it’s a close friend it stings a little…. Ok, hurts a lot….
Tonight is my weigh in and meeting… I really need to stay for the meeting because I’ve gotten really off track not writing anything down… this weekend I didn’t write down anything… I’m not worried about the weigh in though…. Friday I ate breakfast and a little dinner but not much because my tummy was so upset…. Saturday I had 2 pieces of toast and an apple… the scale this morning said I was down about 5lbs… we’ll just have to wait and see what their scales say tonight… all I need to lose is ½ lb to get another 5lb. star!! Then I’ll have lost 40lbs!!! that is awesome!!! I know I need to stay for the meeting to get motivated!! I really enjoy the meetings and I really would like to stay!! It’s hard though, knowing what you should do versus what you really want to do…. The main reason I haven’t been staying is because I’ve been so dang hungry!! I’m like, if I stay I’ll have to wait about 45 minutes to eat dinner (meanwhile my tummy is growling!) I really don’t want to eat before I go weigh either… maybe I should snack while I’m still at work… ok, here’s the reason I don’t snack… I don’t want to go over my points… and if I snack at work on a Monday then I won’t have enough points for taco bell… (that’s our Monday night dinner)… in a way it’s a reward for me but lately it seems I’ve been rewarding myself way too much…
I’ve been having so many crazy thoughts and emotions running thru my head/heart today that it seemed appropriate that I got this email and thought I would post it… I think getting myself under control emotionally has been much more of a challenge for me than even losing weight has been…. Lately I realized I’m repressing a lot of things that I need to deal with (and have repressed things that I should have already dealt with) but man, it’s just so much easier to repress them…. I need to get in the habit of dealing with my emotions when things occur, not repressing them so that I can still be troubled by them like 10 years later…. All in all though, today is going to be a good day!! I will make it a good day!!
The complexity of your feelings could make you feel frustrated today. It may seem like your thoughts are at odds with each other and that understanding them may be overwhelming, if not impossible. Perhaps today you can focus on being at ease with and accepting everything that arises. As a feeling occurs, take a moment to verbally name it—simply acknowledge it. Tell yourself if you are feeling sad, irritated, happy, or confused. Once you name your emotion, take time to be with it. Allow yourself to care about what is happening without any struggle to erase it. If you are present with each emotion that arises, you may notice that even though your feelings seem convoluted at first, once you identify them, they are actually straightforward. They arise and pass one at a time. When we label our emotions we find that their intricacy unravels to reveal only one feeling or thought. Our minds tend to race faster than we can imagine. It can seem like we are thinking hundreds of conflicting notions at a time. In fact, our racing minds are just reflecting the speed with which our brain processes our emotions. Slowing down and naming our thoughts allows us to see our emotions as they occur one by one. Being in the moment in this way can also alleviate some of the irritation we feel when our thoughts gallop through our heads. As you watch your feelings today, you will notice that the many layers of your thoughts will become less complicated.
One of our really good friends hurt my feelings Friday though I didn’t hear about it until last night… he’s made comments before but the comments before never really bothered me… I guess it’s just because I feel that, with the exception of lately, I’ve been trying really hard to “clean up” my life… get rid of all the negativity and things that I don’t need in my life… (I’m talking about my pills and my attitude)…. And going back to the blog about me feeling like a hypochondriac… “it’s always something with me”… that’s how I feel… (even though today I’m great… I don’t feel bad, there isn’t anything wrong, I’m tired but I think that’s the danged ‘ol heat!! How I love the Texas heat…. Ok, not so much…) maybe I should just start keeping everything to myself… when I feel bad, down, or whatever… just not say anything to anyone… I don’t know if this is the right attitude to have or not… I just know that I feel I have been working really hard to try to get my life right and to get control of it (and myself) and by him making that comment I feel that everything has just been nullified… I know that I shouldn’t be concerned by what others think but when it’s a close friend it stings a little…. Ok, hurts a lot….
Tonight is my weigh in and meeting… I really need to stay for the meeting because I’ve gotten really off track not writing anything down… this weekend I didn’t write down anything… I’m not worried about the weigh in though…. Friday I ate breakfast and a little dinner but not much because my tummy was so upset…. Saturday I had 2 pieces of toast and an apple… the scale this morning said I was down about 5lbs… we’ll just have to wait and see what their scales say tonight… all I need to lose is ½ lb to get another 5lb. star!! Then I’ll have lost 40lbs!!! that is awesome!!! I know I need to stay for the meeting to get motivated!! I really enjoy the meetings and I really would like to stay!! It’s hard though, knowing what you should do versus what you really want to do…. The main reason I haven’t been staying is because I’ve been so dang hungry!! I’m like, if I stay I’ll have to wait about 45 minutes to eat dinner (meanwhile my tummy is growling!) I really don’t want to eat before I go weigh either… maybe I should snack while I’m still at work… ok, here’s the reason I don’t snack… I don’t want to go over my points… and if I snack at work on a Monday then I won’t have enough points for taco bell… (that’s our Monday night dinner)… in a way it’s a reward for me but lately it seems I’ve been rewarding myself way too much…
I’ve been having so many crazy thoughts and emotions running thru my head/heart today that it seemed appropriate that I got this email and thought I would post it… I think getting myself under control emotionally has been much more of a challenge for me than even losing weight has been…. Lately I realized I’m repressing a lot of things that I need to deal with (and have repressed things that I should have already dealt with) but man, it’s just so much easier to repress them…. I need to get in the habit of dealing with my emotions when things occur, not repressing them so that I can still be troubled by them like 10 years later…. All in all though, today is going to be a good day!! I will make it a good day!!
The complexity of your feelings could make you feel frustrated today. It may seem like your thoughts are at odds with each other and that understanding them may be overwhelming, if not impossible. Perhaps today you can focus on being at ease with and accepting everything that arises. As a feeling occurs, take a moment to verbally name it—simply acknowledge it. Tell yourself if you are feeling sad, irritated, happy, or confused. Once you name your emotion, take time to be with it. Allow yourself to care about what is happening without any struggle to erase it. If you are present with each emotion that arises, you may notice that even though your feelings seem convoluted at first, once you identify them, they are actually straightforward. They arise and pass one at a time. When we label our emotions we find that their intricacy unravels to reveal only one feeling or thought. Our minds tend to race faster than we can imagine. It can seem like we are thinking hundreds of conflicting notions at a time. In fact, our racing minds are just reflecting the speed with which our brain processes our emotions. Slowing down and naming our thoughts allows us to see our emotions as they occur one by one. Being in the moment in this way can also alleviate some of the irritation we feel when our thoughts gallop through our heads. As you watch your feelings today, you will notice that the many layers of your thoughts will become less complicated.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Perception
it's funny how many times you can hear the same thing over and over again and then one day it just clicks and you finally understand... or how something can be rephrased and then it makes perfect sense.... things have been really good the past couple of days and i think it has a lot to do with my perception of things which have been influenced by emails, conversations, and thoughts... r and i have had 2 very good days... this is only surprising to me because of my attitude the past week or so.... my conscience was making me feel super guilty for being so mean to him lately... maybe i should explain.... i've been angry the past week or so.... i know it's "bad" and i shouldn't do it but i take my anger out on r.. he's my "emotional sponge" or as he put it recently, very pliable... hehe... anyways, instead of getting mad or upset with whomever upset me i just bottle it up and then blow up at him... he knows i do this and he always asks, are you mad at me or just taking it out on me? it's his way of telling me to calm it down without him actually having to say that.... that usually works... anyways, my conscience was making me feel guilty for being so mean so i had the attitude that i'm going to go home (yesterday) and be in a really good mood and be really nice... i went home and was really nice.... we got along really well, cutting up, laughing, watching tv, and just talking... last night we went out to eat (at an all you can eat chinese buffet- with sushi!!) and then we went to target.... dinner was excellent though i ate way too much... that's a subject for a little bit later though.... target was fun!! normally when we go somewhere one of us usually gets stressed out.... not last night though... we went to target and had a blast! we got him a ton of new shirts, sunglasses, and 2 hats..... i got a couple of shirts and some new bath sheets.... (i decided we needed new bath sheets, ours just weren't very fluffy anymore....) .... we ended up spending a little less than $300... that's ok though, it was worth it!! when we got home he was trying on all his new shirts, it was too cute!! he was excited i think!! so things have been really good between us lately.... if i can remember to keep my attitude in check i think things can and will stay good!!
the eating though... monday night i went and weighed in, i lost 2lbs for a total loss of 39.5lbs!! that is really motivating but i feel that i'm getting off track!! i need to start staying for the meetings again though... i haven't been doing so good this week tracking my points and writing down everything i've been eating... this started last weekend.... i really need to get back to tracking everything... and i need to get back on track watching what i'm eating... i'm still losing even though i'm cheating more... this is both a good and bad thing for me.... plus, i need to keep exercising.... i only exercised one day last week and then one day this week so far! i ate so much last night at the all you can eat buffet though... maybe half a plate of chinese food but a lot of sushi, which isn't as bad as regular chinese, but it's still not great! my tummy hurt all night though... it was so full... i really need to quit eating until i feel like that.. that's something else i need to work on... stop eating when i'm full... my mind was saying, you never get to eat here, better eat all you can while we're here now!! and the chinese donuts!!! man!!! they beat everything all to heck!! yeah, it was the sushi and the chinese donuts that got me!! i just really need to "control" my eating though...
perception though, it's a funny thing... r and i had a big conversation about "seeing the big picture" the other night... sometimes it's really hard for me to see the big picture... and change, i complain about my co-worker never changing and not being open to change at all and in some ways, i'm the same... i need to be more open to change and doing things differently... listening to others people's positions before i fly off the handle and get mad... try to see things from a different perspective.... change my attitude of, if it's not done my way it's not the right way... when it comes to getting mad, i need to ask myself, is this really going to have any "big" effect on my life? if not, then it doesn't really matter... there's no reason to get mad over the small stuff... that's part of my problem, i get mad over the small stuff.... yes, some of the big stuff too but... for instance, i'll get fuming mad if r does something "his" way instead of "my" way.... but i can go in and rip up all the carpet in the hall without a second thought... meanwhile, he's stressing the carpet (big thing) and i'm stressing the small thing... at least i'm conscious now of the way i act... this was in one of my emails today and it made sense.... this is what i need to remember!
What was learned over a course of a life cannot be changed overnight-remember, one day at a time.
the eating though... monday night i went and weighed in, i lost 2lbs for a total loss of 39.5lbs!! that is really motivating but i feel that i'm getting off track!! i need to start staying for the meetings again though... i haven't been doing so good this week tracking my points and writing down everything i've been eating... this started last weekend.... i really need to get back to tracking everything... and i need to get back on track watching what i'm eating... i'm still losing even though i'm cheating more... this is both a good and bad thing for me.... plus, i need to keep exercising.... i only exercised one day last week and then one day this week so far! i ate so much last night at the all you can eat buffet though... maybe half a plate of chinese food but a lot of sushi, which isn't as bad as regular chinese, but it's still not great! my tummy hurt all night though... it was so full... i really need to quit eating until i feel like that.. that's something else i need to work on... stop eating when i'm full... my mind was saying, you never get to eat here, better eat all you can while we're here now!! and the chinese donuts!!! man!!! they beat everything all to heck!! yeah, it was the sushi and the chinese donuts that got me!! i just really need to "control" my eating though...
perception though, it's a funny thing... r and i had a big conversation about "seeing the big picture" the other night... sometimes it's really hard for me to see the big picture... and change, i complain about my co-worker never changing and not being open to change at all and in some ways, i'm the same... i need to be more open to change and doing things differently... listening to others people's positions before i fly off the handle and get mad... try to see things from a different perspective.... change my attitude of, if it's not done my way it's not the right way... when it comes to getting mad, i need to ask myself, is this really going to have any "big" effect on my life? if not, then it doesn't really matter... there's no reason to get mad over the small stuff... that's part of my problem, i get mad over the small stuff.... yes, some of the big stuff too but... for instance, i'll get fuming mad if r does something "his" way instead of "my" way.... but i can go in and rip up all the carpet in the hall without a second thought... meanwhile, he's stressing the carpet (big thing) and i'm stressing the small thing... at least i'm conscious now of the way i act... this was in one of my emails today and it made sense.... this is what i need to remember!
What was learned over a course of a life cannot be changed overnight-remember, one day at a time.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Monday, June 05, 2006
Control
i need to learn to control my mouth... lately when i open it ugliness and hatred just spew out... i probably say too much when i'm mad as well... control...
Hating
i know i'm wishing my life away but i sure do wish it was friday.... for being a short week, last week was a bear.... i sure hope that yesterday and today are not examples of what is going to transpire this week.... yesterday i was freaking out... i literally felt like i was losing my mind and i'm not totally sure why... i hadn't been awake 5 minutes yesterday morning when i was already all over r's ass.... he didn't even do anything either.... maybe that was what made me mad... the fact that he hadn't done anything.... lately my anger has been flaring back up and i've been hating on everyone and everything... i know that i have some repressed emotions that i need to deal with.... they've been repressed for years and i do not want to let them surface but, i'm going to have too.... and with that i'm going to have to forgive.... which i do not want to do... but, that's the only way to make me feel better... hating on others isn't going to make them feel bad, just me... i'm probably angry too because i know what i need to do i just haven't made myself do it yet... basic emotions i need to deal with 1) hurt 2) anger 3) jealousy and to forgive.... how do you forgive though? i mean, really, truly forgive? so that it is a non-issue.... when you think about it emotionally you feel nothing.... i need to understand that first i think....
there is this other issue... jealousy... i hate using that word but that's exactly what this is.... pure jealousy.... my brother and his girlfriend.... OMG! could they not be more sickening... she is absolutely beautiful, nice, sweet, i mean, everything... the whole package... when her and my brother look at each other, which they do quite frequently, they just smile and get giddy... neither one of them is working.... they "jet set" all over the country with no cares in the world... it just blows me away.... what am i jealous of? maybe it's the fact that her dad and step-dad and mom have money and just give it to them both freely? maybe it's the fact that neither one of them work... they're both gorgeous... everything just seems to be "perfect" for them... i know that's an outsiders opinion looking in but that's what i see.... as much as i hate to say it, hanging out with them last night kinda bummed me out... it shouldn't though... what r and i have together is amazing... we've got a long way to go but we've also come a long way!! i just need to be more positive and not worry so much about "the joneses"....
one last thing before i go... my back has really been bothering me lately... and my head has been hurting... my part of the shots to the skull, $635.00.... nice! i was hoping that the shots would help more than they have... i've been back on the meds, pain pills, anxiety, and muscle relaxers... all of them... i can no longer tolerate the pain pills... even the different ones... they make me feel like i'm freaking out and my patience is totally non-existent... i'm not really happy with this situation but i don't really know what to do....
i feel so bad griping about all of this now... i know my life is good and i have everything that i need in this moment... i have nothing to be unhappy about... i need to stop whining and recognize the positive!!
there is this other issue... jealousy... i hate using that word but that's exactly what this is.... pure jealousy.... my brother and his girlfriend.... OMG! could they not be more sickening... she is absolutely beautiful, nice, sweet, i mean, everything... the whole package... when her and my brother look at each other, which they do quite frequently, they just smile and get giddy... neither one of them is working.... they "jet set" all over the country with no cares in the world... it just blows me away.... what am i jealous of? maybe it's the fact that her dad and step-dad and mom have money and just give it to them both freely? maybe it's the fact that neither one of them work... they're both gorgeous... everything just seems to be "perfect" for them... i know that's an outsiders opinion looking in but that's what i see.... as much as i hate to say it, hanging out with them last night kinda bummed me out... it shouldn't though... what r and i have together is amazing... we've got a long way to go but we've also come a long way!! i just need to be more positive and not worry so much about "the joneses"....
one last thing before i go... my back has really been bothering me lately... and my head has been hurting... my part of the shots to the skull, $635.00.... nice! i was hoping that the shots would help more than they have... i've been back on the meds, pain pills, anxiety, and muscle relaxers... all of them... i can no longer tolerate the pain pills... even the different ones... they make me feel like i'm freaking out and my patience is totally non-existent... i'm not really happy with this situation but i don't really know what to do....
i feel so bad griping about all of this now... i know my life is good and i have everything that i need in this moment... i have nothing to be unhappy about... i need to stop whining and recognize the positive!!
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Boring
i haven't blogged lately because i'm not really sure what to say... there hasn't been anything going on... just working... i'm not complaining about nothing going on.... it just sure doesn't make for interesting blogging.... i'm really enjoying this short week at work though.... 21 working days until vacation after today!! not that i'm counting down or anything... i've just been blah lately... not in a good mood or a bad mood... just indifferent.... i guess i'm off to pay bills.... if i think of anything later i'll post it... until next time....
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