I Don't Understand

i feel like i'm going crazy in my head... like things are spiraling out of control and i can't do anything about it... none of it... i know i can but this is how i feel right now.... i have no control... i don't understand though... r and i are doing everything right that we know how to do, the restaurant is running good numbers, and we are making more money each month than we are paying out... so, why do we have no money?? none!!! i really don't get this... i can account for every single penny!! we are way in the hole... and i don't know what do do?!? what am i doing wrong??
i get home tonight and am looking thru the mail... hhmm, something from txu... it's a disconnect notice saying if we don't pay the restaurant bill by the 28th they are going to shut the electricity off... it was due on the 10th and i mailed it on the 2nd... i call the 800# that they give me and all can i get is a voice automated "woman".... every time i say "agent" like she says to0, i am disconnected... by this time i am really getting worried... i finally manage to "mess up" bad enough on the automated part that they connect me with an agent... the guy said, no, your payment hasn't been received yet but sometimes it takes 7 to 10 days for us to receive and process your payment... even though there is no benefit to being mad, i am... maybe you should hire more people or whatever to "process the payments faster"... i have not had one electric bill under $1000 yet and they're telling me they can't process the payment faster?!? bullsh!t they can't!!!
this is just the perfect end to a what has been perfect two weeks... or how ever long it's been that i've been in a bad mood... i have been taking everything so personally and to heart lately... i feel like i've been carrying the weight of the world around.... it's like it just hit me... i have so much to do and there is so not enough time for me to get everything done... i have some things i need to do around the house but they are outside and by the time i get home from work it's dark... another added "bonus", i have no help... not that i have to have help with everything but it's like, it's always just me... and there are some things that i can't do all by myself... on the flip side, it's ok for t's grandson to take the day off to go hunting... that's acceptable but me taking off to take care of some crap around the house that most men have to take care of is unacceptable... even though t is always how everything is going... he knows our situation... thanks for caring!
ah, another "sore" spot... j is t's grandson... he started working there and is going to take over t's job... well, as i understand it... i can't really tell if he's "being groomed" to take over t's or rrll's position... if it is for rrll, my feelings are going to be very hurt... i know that there is nothing that i can do except accept it and move on... i'll cross that bridge when we get there... but, j has gotten all new "stuff".... t cleaned out the old fax room (the fax machine plus the old crap).... so now it's his office, not the fax room... now we have the file/fax room... and j's office... t buys j a brand new laptop, 2 printers- 1 for the home (that he just built for them) and 1 for the office.. brand new 10 key... gets him a bulletin board so that j can hang pics of his twins up (so that i'll see how cute they are and want to have kids- that's what t says)...
rrll went and picked out a new phone system (which was why i was so pissed at the end of last week) and that has been nothing but a major disaster... and since it was "his" project then he should have to deal with it whenever the phone guys come out (which has been everyday since friday... they'll be back tomorrow, and then at the beginning of next week) i have to deal with them... he just sits in his office... someone asked him if we had been busy today and he said, nah, not really, it's just a typical wednesday.... get payroll processed, pay some bills, wrap up some loose ends (he does NONE of this!!!) courtney has really been the only one working today... then he laughs and goes back in his office... the other day he took the church deposit to the bank but wouldn't take the business deposit... i asked him if he had my receipt and he said, oh, i just took the church deposit, i was going to let j take the business one... must be nice to do nothing except for your church crap!! (and make damn good money for it!!)
i've been thinking about our finances a lot lately... wondering how and why they seem to be in the situation they are in... we're making money, i just don't understand where it's going?!? kb said she has got some stuff listed on ebay... i need to do that, badly!! i just don't know where to start- like, with what to list... i've got a whole ton of stuff i could get rid of... i've also been thinking about talking to r about me maybe waiting tables out at the restaurant or something... getting a part-time job? i really don't want too but if that's what i have to do then that's what i have to do... i don't want to say anything to r though because he'll freak out... anytime i say something about money he automatically thinks the absolute worse... and won't let it go...
i just had to get all this off my chest and get it out... it's been eating me up inside now and it just keeps growing... i can only imagine that is where my anger and bad attitude has been coming from lately... i am way too stressed... i know i allow myself to get stressed and it's my choice to let things stress me out but sometimes i think it just gets to that point... like, no more!!