courtney in control

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T00:10:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas!!

Our Motto

2009-12-07T12:45:00.003-06:00

This was on our (dc and I's) table at Bubba Gump's Shrimp in Colorado over the summer... and it is so true and fitting... so we have adopted it as our motto, because, you know, it is funny how things work out.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T03:04:00.001-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving from our furry family to yours!

Dreams

2009-06-22T09:20:00.001-05:00

Quote

2009-06-04T09:54:00.003-05:00

I stumbled upon this quote today and I really like it...

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. –Dr. Seuss

One More...

2009-05-27T12:06:00.002-05:00

damn already... this has been my mantra for a few days now... today will be a good day...negativity get behind me!

Today

2009-05-20T10:10:00.001-05:00

I "borrowed" this from Sweet Blessings

Checking In

2009-05-05T14:52:00.003-05:00

I’m not even sure where to start… dc and I have been so busy working on the kitchen… it’s looking really good though… we’re making excellent progress!!
Poor Murphy doesn’t seem to be taking all the construction too well though… he hides under the couch pretty much all the time and only seems to come out at night… it’s making me so sad but I don’t know what to do about it right now. (All I can do is just keep working on the kitchen, the sooner we get it done the better!!!) My daily kitty calendar said, “Because their sense of security is linked to their territorial instinct, cats make mental maps of their personal space. It may take a cat cartographer as long as 6 months before he feels he can settle down comfortably in a new home.” So poor Murphy hides all the time and Mazzy is out and about, always inspecting and wondering what’s going on; we have officially dubbed her the “project supervisor”. Last night dc had his drill bit set open on the floor and Mazzy was all over it, rolling around on it… she is nuts but apparently she loves chaos!!! Up until the construction got crazy both of the kitties seemed to be taking the move very well… so I’m really hoping that after all is said and done Murphy will be back to his old self.
There hasn’t been too much going on besides the kitchen… I’m working on dealing with the stress of having the whole house an absolute wreck and I think I’m doing ok… I’m very OCD and anal about everything… everything has a place and having sheetrock dust everywhere (nothing is clean!) and not having a kitchen is a little stressful but at the same time I’m learning to deal with it (I think!)…
Anyways, it seems there was so much else to say until I actually sat down and started writing and now my mind has gone blank (too much damn sheetrock dust!)…

Gerbers!!!

2009-04-27T13:08:00.002-05:00

Awww!!!! For our anniversary dc wanted to get me some flowers… he said he’s been thinking on it and he knows that gerber daisies are my favorites so he decided on those… and instead of just sending me flowers he thought he would buy them for me for the house so we could plant them and they would live longer than just a few days… bonus, they come back year after year… so.. here is what we did on Saturday… we cleaned out the flower beds and planted my gerbers… I love them! They are so pretty!!

Updating... Kitty Claws

2009-04-02T12:24:00.001-05:00

Update on my dilemma with the kitties… I called the vet this morning and talked to them about having the kitties de-clawed… in a way I am relieved because it’s a no-go… they are too old and the lady said that they wouldn’t do it because of their age… apparently if they de-claw older cats there is a higher chance that they will quit using their litter box…. So my vet won’t do it… which is fine by me… so I’ve spent all day researching alternatives…. I’m going to get a spray that is supposed to help stop them from clawing furniture and carpet and stuff… I’m also thinking about maybe a catnip infused scratching post… the soft paws/claws seem to be an ok idea (if you can get them on) but I’m going to try the spray first… the soft paws are about $20 a package and each set will last for about 3 to 4 weeks on average and there are 40 in a package… the vet will put them on for $25… I’ve read that you can put them on yourself but I honestly don’t know how well that would work… the kitties hate having their nails trimmed, I can’t imagine trying to glue the caps on, dc has to hold them by the neck just so they don’t scratch me to pieces… we decided we would try the spray and other stuff first and see if that would work… keep your paws crossed!!!

Ideas? Anyone?

2009-04-01T16:36:00.001-05:00

I kinda feel like I’m stuck and I don’t really know what to do… I’m about to drive myself crazy over-thinking this… it’s the kitties… and their claws… when I moved into the apartment the lady that lived there before me had a dog… the apartment didn’t replace the carpet before I moved in and the kitties were constantly clawing/scratching it… I thought maybe it was just the dog smell that they were after… they have a scratching post, I’ve actually had several for them, vertical ones, horizontal ones… Murphy won’t use it and I’ve tried to “show” him how to use them… Mazzy uses it but she has also started using the back of dc’s couch… Murphy (and sometimes) Mazzy are now clawing at the new carpet in the 2nd bedroom… then, when Mazzy goes outside and freaks out she slices you to pieces… (I got cut again last night, other arm, when I let her outside… she immediately darted off towards the back of the yard and I had to chase her down… needless to say she is not allowed outside anymore!)
I have always been vehemently opposed to having kitties de-clawed… to me it is inhumane and completely unnecessary… there is absolutely no medical reason to de-claw a kitty… the past two days I have found myself thinking about having the kitties de-clawed though… I have even gone as far as to call the vet and see how they did it in town, what was involved, and the cost… de-clawing the kitties doesn’t sit well with me at all… I feel so extremely guilty even thinking about it… I honestly can’t believe I am thinking about it… considering it… calling on it… I can’t for the life of me figure out how to get them to stop scratching the “wrong” things though… I’ve tried spraying them with water, spanking them, showing them how to use the scratching post, and I am out of ideas… I’m going to get some of the spray that’s supposed to stop them from scratching- I tried it in the beginning at the apartment … but that’s the last thing I know of… the vet I called today suggested those nail caps but the kitties hate having their nails messed with so I’m 99.99% sure that’s not going to work… I don’t want to not do anything just because what we have now isn’t “that” nice because I don’t want them to think it’s ok to keep scratching… you know, in case we ever get new furniture or nice carpet… but I really don’t know what to do… my arms hurt like hell from Mazzy’s razor blade like claws and the back of the couch is and the carpet in the 2nd bedroom is getting scratched up… The kitties (and I) would greatly appreciate any and all thoughts and ideas!!!

The Move Is Over!

2009-03-31T09:15:00.000-05:00

So the move is over with… we took the last load and turned the keys into the apartment office on Sunday. I can’t even begin to explain how nice it was last night after work to just go home. No moving anything from place to place, no having to leave after we get done working to go back to the apartment and go to bed… just going home from work and putting things up. Last night we got the living room set up, tonight we’re working on the bedrooms.
The kitties are doing well in the new place. I think they’ve smelled every square inch of the house, every closet, everything. They spent all Saturday night exploring. We let them outside in the backyard Sunday and then again last night after work. Murphy does really good; if he starts to wander off you can call his name and he’ll stop, turn around, and look at you. Mazzy on the other hand always has to push the boundaries… last night she jumped thru the gate and took off down the drive-way. I yelled her name and I’m pretty sure she started running faster. A car drove by, scared her, and she stopped running. I went to get her and she hid under dc’s truck. I finally ended up half dragging her out cause she wasn’t coming out on her own! She clawed and hissed the whole time. The t-shirt I had on has holes in it and my left arm looks like I got in a knife fight (and lost horribly). Needless to say, she ended up back inside after that little escapade. Murphy on the other hand just hung around outside; he laid on a concrete slab in the yard soaking up the sun, wandered around eating grass, enjoying being outside. Too bad his sister couldn’t act the same way.
dc’s sister is having a garage sale Saturday so we are in the process of going thru everything that we moved over and deciding what to keep and what to sell… man alive we have a lot of junk!!! I’m just hoping that the majority of it sells!!!
Ever since the move in December 2007 I’ve changed my address every 6 to 9 months, so I’m really hoping that this is the end of my nomadic journey for a while…

Feeling It

2009-03-27T12:27:00.002-05:00

I am feeling the stress… the stress of remodeling the whole house in about 2 months and the stress of moving… for me moving is stressful enough… add in the remodeling and I’m out of control!! Last night dc called me his "little stress ball" and that fits perfectly. This past week I’ve felt like I’ve been just having a constant panic attack. Everyone says, don’t worry, don’t stress, you’re ahead of schedule. That’s great that everyone else feels that way but when you’ve got your stuff strung out between a house and an apartment and the house is almost done but not quite I’m going to be stressed. I also feel bad, and more stressed, because the kitties are feeling my stress and are stressing themselves. They know something’s going on because dc and I have been moving stuff out all week long. I wish the kitties understood when I tell them, don’t worry, you’re going too, just not yet!! Poor Mazzy has been all over me when I’m at home, like, hey, what are you doing, don’t forget about me, I’m still here!!! Murphy has spent most of his time under the couch or staring out on to the balcony.
The apartment is pretty much empty now except for the big stuff, you know, the washer & dryer, couch, tv, bed, dresser, and chest of drawers. We are supposed to be moving that stuff this weekend so hopefully the weather will cooperate. We had a cold front blow in and have a chance of snow today and tonight. If I wasn’t trying to move I wouldn’t mind at all but I’m not really looking forward to the weather being nasty (side note, it’s been in the 70’s lately and of course the weekend we are supposed to move stuff with the trailer the weather is not cooperating). I’m really hoping that getting moved will take the stress level down about 100 notches for me. I’ve already decided that I’m going to schedule a massage after the move is over. I was going to wait and schedule it after we got the kitchen finished but I don’t know if I can wait that long. Something has to give soon because I don’t like this all stressed out me… the always angry, irritated, or way upset me.

More Work...

2009-03-24T11:58:00.008-05:00

So dc and I have been working on the house non-stop pretty much and I must say it’s looking very good!! I’m really proud of what we’ve done so far!!! We “officially” started moving last night after work, we took two loads of stuff over… technically we don’t have to be out of the apartment until Tuesday so we’ve still got a week but I’m ready for the move to be over and done with. We can’t really do anything else, except demo, on the house until the kitchen cabinets come in. We ordered them last Wednesday and they said it should take 2 – 3 weeks for them to come in. The kitchen is all we have left to do. The carpet was installed in the 2 bedrooms on Friday and we finished the bathroom over the weekend… well, finished except for re-finishing the bathtub but we are going to tackle that one night this week.

The Bathroom- Before:

The Bathroom- After:

Our Bedroom & Closet:

Guestbedroom:

Hindsight

2009-03-13T12:29:00.003-05:00

You know what pisses me off more than anything… well, maybe not more than anything but right now it’s my more than anything… when someone can’t take care of something that is going to affect someone else… and it’s something so simple that one little phone call could take care of the whole situation… unfortunately it’s not something I can take care of though… believe me, I’ve tried calling, letters, faxes, but I don’t have the “authority” to remove myself… that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me but whatever… but then, the situation gets even better shall we say… the person doesn’t understand why what happened between you two happened… it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you “took care” of everything else like you took care of this situation… you put absolutely no effort into anything and just hoped someone else would take care of it for you… your relationships, your work/business, everything… that’s how you approach life… to me that’s sad that you don’t even care enough about yourself to try to take care of your own life... you try to act dumb (or whatever excuse you are using now) but it all boils down to being lazy and not wanting to do anything that would require you to take any action whatsoever until you have no choice but to take action… let’s rely on everyone else but the person best suited to take care of your life… I only wish I would have seen all of this sooner but they say hindsight is 20/20…

Bits and Pieces

2009-02-17T12:47:00.003-06:00

dc and I are working on the rent house we are moving in to when my lease is up in March, if not before, depending on how long we can tolerate the people who moved in below us- and the only moved in yesterday but they are quite noisy!!! The rent house is coming along good… so far we’ve changed out all the plugs, switches, and covers… they are all nice, new, white, and they all match now!!! dc changed out all the doorknobs so those all match too… we’re almost done painting, all I have left to do is 2 closets, the trim in the 2 bedrooms, hall, and living room, and 4 doors… then we’re onto more major projects… we’re putting in an awesome closet system… we’re also in the process of demoing the bathroom… the only thing staying in the bathroom is the bathtub and the tile he just put up around the bathtub… we’re putting in a new light fixture, pedestal sink, toilet, mirror, and medicine cabinet… the bathroom is really dated so this will help a lot!!! lastly, the kitchen is going to be completely gutted and redone… I’m not sure if we’ll have time to do that before we move in but it is going to have to happen… we’re taking out one pantry (there are currently 2) and putting the fridge in that area, adding more counter space, changing the layout, putting in new cabinets, lights, and floor, tearing down part of a wall to make a bar area (not like a wet bar just a regular ‘ol bar), adding a dishwasher- there is currently no dishwasher and that stresses me- I’ve always had a dishwasher!!!- and changing out the stove/oven that’s in there for one with a microwave/stove/oven combination… oh yeah, there is no microwave currently and I honestly don’t think we have room for one… the kitchen is a really good size but the way it’s set up right now it isn’t very functional (kinda like the bathroom)… like I said, it’s going very well and pretty fast so far and once we get all the smaller projects done we can really focus on working together on the big projects… I love home improvements and it’s really nice when you’re working with someone else who helps out and likes doing them too, not someone who just wants to sit on the couch and have you and your parents do it… we’re having a lot of fun and learning stuff in the process!!! I so kept asking dc to remind me to take before and after pictures but of course I failed to take before pictures… I suppose I could still take them although you wouldn’t get to see all of the ugliness that we’ve fixed so far, lol…
um, Valentine’s was really good… we cooked dinner for his parents, my parents, and his aunt and uncle… everyone already knows everyone (thru church) so that took a lot of the pressure off of the situation… we cooked brisket, cheddar stuffed bacon wrapped jalapenos, potato salad, bread, and sopapilla cheesecake… it was so yummy!!!!
We’ve been working on the rent house every chance we get… and we’ve got our February dinner party coming up on the 28th which I am really looking forward to... I suppose that’s about all the excitement in my life lately which is fine by me, I'll take that!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T01:00:00.001-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

Love is not finding someone to live with, It's finding someone you can't live without.

- Rafael Ortiz

You may conquer with the sword, but you are conquered by a kiss.

- Daniel Heinsius

Self-Love Day

2009-02-13T12:15:00.004-06:00

Ok, today (well, actually tomorrow since it’s Valentine’s) has been declared Self-Love Day (thank you Ilax and Hilly)!! So, I decided to participate this year…

The Rules:
1.) Post a banner on your blog and declare February 14th as the day you not only love your one and only, but the day that you love yourself!
2.) Post one nice thing about yourself……then ask others to post one thing that they really like about you.
3.) Enjoy yourself!

So I decided to participate now I’m having some trouble coming up with one nice thing to post about myself. Let’s see… I love that I am working hard to become the person that I want to be, that I’m learning to relax (about a lot of things!), that I’m no longer scared to stay “stuck in a rut” if something’s not working and am willing to try something new; I love that I discovered that being happy is something that everyone deserves and that I will take the steps I need to take to make myself happy!!!
I suppose all that came from everything that’s been going on for the past year… I’m learning a lot about myself and I’m really learning how to be happy. It’s amazing how much better life is when you’re happy!!
On a side note- I don’t want anyone to feel pressured to say something nice about me, I feel weird “asking”…

Deep Breaths

2009-02-05T15:45:00.005-06:00

Hopefully you can’t just feel the ugh coming out in this post… today has been one of those days when everyone just manages to crawl all over your last nerve!!!! I think that all the idiots of the world are in town today and are either calling or coming by to bother me… it’s just one of those days…
I took my car in today at lunch… the air bag light is still on (from since oh, November-ish) and the part they were supposed to order in December never got ordered and no notes were mad as to what the problem was… so they asked me to bring it in again to have it re-tested… I know, it’s not like I’ve just been on them about the problem either… I’ve been procrastinating… I have no idea why it’s such an “ordeal” for me to take my car to the shop, it’s not like I have to do anything but take it in and drop it off.
More “good” news… I found out yesterday that if someone isn’t paying their taxes, like payroll, unemployment, sales, or whatever (if they own a business) and your name is on the taxes somewhere that can go on your credit and affect your credit… which brings me to…. The ex hasn’t been paying any of the taxes for the restaurant since I quit taking care of them (figuring and paying them)…. The restaurant is a sole- proprietorship but my name was on the unemployment tax so I’m not really sure if it’s anywhere else… luckily km’s sister is taking care of the tax situation for me… he’s also not paying on his part of the debt from the divorce and the company doesn’t honor divorce decrees so even though it’s his debt per the decree since we both signed the loan papers and he hasn’t refinanced it it’s still going against me… I can only hope he’s still making the house payment since the mortgage company doesn’t honor divorce decrees either… normally I try not to be a “number dropper” but in this case I’m going to be… my credit score at the beginning of September was an 816… a freaking 816!!! Pretty damn good if I do say so myself!!!! I don’t even want to know what it is now as I am constantly getting letters “reminding” me of the payment that is past due… I just need to keep reminding myself that even though my credit may suck (cheese) balls I am much happier now and I can deal with this, I will take bad credit over happiness in this situation… (I think this is going to be my new mantra)… ok, enough of the bad and negative…
Um, positive and good… positive and good… we still haven’t been to the gym, lol!!! (ok, maybe that’s not good- I was just joking!)… Saturday I get to go to a birthday party for jw’s twins who are turning 6!! I can’t believe they are already going to be 6- I remember when she was pregnant with them!!!! (mental note- charge the camera battery) so as of now I think the plan for Saturday is dc is going to work for a while, I’m going to go to the birthday party, and then we are going to find something to do to enjoy the weather!! The weather this weekend is supposed to be in the 70’s! YAY!!! Another positive- in a little over a month time changes and that is all kinds of goodness in itself!!! That means warmer weather is on the way and it will start staying light later!!! Plus, golf season is right around the corner AND I get to use my pretty pink balls with my initials on them!!!! Ok, I’m feeling better now!!! Much more positive!!! I should have blogged earlier and got all the negativity and ick out here sooner!!! I just hope the nasty doesn’t stick on you my fellow bloggers!!!

1 Month Down...

2009-02-02T15:41:00.002-06:00

I really can’t believe it’s already February… one month of the new year is already over… I almost feel like I’ve had bloggers block lately… I’ve had a list of stuff to blog about but it doesn’t seem very interesting… then again, are any of my posts just really that interesting, lol?!?! ok, so what’s been going on… um, in January I had jury duty, although that seems like an eon ago now… it was ok… I’d only heard horror stories about jury duty but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be… (maybe it’s been long enough that it doesn’t seem that bad now)… I learned a lot about the court system and how people can get away with stuff- let me clarify that… the defense attorney objected to everything- he was trying to get the case thrown out on a technicality and I can see how that happens… anyways, it was a learning experience…
I saw my first 3D movie… dc and I went to see My Bloody Valentine in 3D and it was awesome!!!! not only is 3D super cool but the movie was really good!!! it was a good scary movie, not cheesy like some of them are… I highly recommend it!!
Lately dc and I have been joking about getting old… you know, things like, you know you’re getting old when… two of our “getting old” signs… we went to a dinner party in January and had a blast… a group of my friends from junior high (we’re all still friends) decided to have a monthly dinner party… there are 5 of us and each month one of us will host it at our house… I’m not sure what we’re going to do when it’s our turn since the apartment and the rent house are not big enough for 10 people but we’ll figure something out… maybe someone will “loan” us their house… anyways, we had a blast!!!! The dinner party was so much fun, I absolutely can’t wait until the next one!!! (as of right now I’m not sure if dc will be able to go to the February one- he may be moving his stuff back from Corpus that day- which I’m not happy about but at least that will be taken care of!)… and our second “getting old” sign… we started making cheese… he got me hooked on fresh mozzarella cheese, it is so good!!! we’ve tried to buy it at the store but it is kinda expensive so we were researching how to make it and found a cheese kit… we bought the kit and Friday night we made our first batch of cheese!!! The directions said if your first batch doesn’t turn out good don’t get discouraged but we were really impressed!!! The cheese was good!!! so now we are cheese artisans!!! We were hanging out with his sister and her boyfriend yesterday, along with some golf friends, and they were making fun of us for being cheese artisans… it’s ok, they’re just jealous, not everyone is cool enough to make cheese…
One final note I suppose… we really need to get back to the gym… bad… I wore a pair of shorts Saturday and they didn’t fit near as good as they did about a month ago…. Not good…

Happy Days!!

2009-01-21T09:26:00.001-06:00

Happy days are here again!!! I found Murphy last night!!! The apartment complex has several big like semi- truck containers out in the back (they are redoing the apartments) and he was hiding under one of them… dc had put some food out yesterday morning and last night after work I went back to where the food bowl was at (for the 2nd time), got down on my knees to look under the container, and he stuck his head out… I thought I was going to have to drag him out but after he stuck his head out he just started creeping out really slow… normally he’s not big on being carried around but I picked him up and he just latched onto me… I cried the whole way home I was so happy!!! Mazzy on the other hand has been hissing at Murphy and I both since I brought him home… she is not a happy kitteh… poor “little” Murphy is worn out and last night he was sleeping in his bed and she walked over to him, started hissing at him and slapping his ears… he was so tired he didn’t even move but she is being mean!!! Back to her “old” self I suppose… she’s acting the way she did when we first brought him home… I know in time she’ll be ok with him being back but until then she’s just going to have to get over it… (I know, I’m such a mean momma)… Murph is covered in dust so today at lunch I’m going to buy him (and her) a new collar and make new name tags with the correct phone number on them… I’ve also got to get some kitteh shampoo or some shampoo wipes or something, I think they have those- shampoo wipes… he’s like a big dust ball!!!! You just pet him and your hand is covered in dust… I tried brushing him last night and then dc and I tried to clean him with a wet paper towel but it’s going to take more than that… I don’t care though!!! I’m just so happy he’s home!!!! I just had to share the good news!! Thank you ALL for all your positive thoughts!!!

Cat-astrophe

2009-01-19T09:42:00.001-06:00

So this weekend I had my first major catastrophe… Murphy ran away… silly as it sounds, I guess he jumped off the balcony… my 17.5# kitty jumped off the balcony… that’s the only explanation dc and I can come up with… the last time we saw him was about 7:00 Saturday night… we’ve walked miles and searched for hours… we’ve driven around… I called the animal shelter this morning but they didn’t pick him up… I’m about to make some fliers to put up in the apartment complex and put an ad in the paper… I’m so worried about him… he’s never been outside before, not like this anyways, it was always “supervised”…
About how he “escaped”… the lady who lived there before us had put chicken wire up over the balcony slats to keep her dog from squeezing out… one corner of it had been pulled back and for the longest time I always watched Mazzy & Murphy while they were outside… they’ve only been going out on the balcony since I’ve lived there- about 7.5 months… they never did anything outside, just sat in the sun or looked out the slats… dc and I are guessing that he squeezed out of the slats and chicken wire… saying all this, he had to really work to get out…
We put food out where he jumped at, hoping that he will realize hey, this is my food, this is home… nothing yet… none of his food is gone… there are so many places that he could have gone… the possibilities are endless…. Into several neighborhoods, across the street to the golf course, under bushes or cars… like I said, we’ve searched and searched, both at night and during the day…
Mazzy on the other hand is back to her “old” (read: pre-Murphy) self… she’s happy and content now being the only kitty… I just hope she’s not the only kitty for long and that he comes home soon… I keep looking around for him, thinking I’ll see him somewhere… that he’ll just be sitting there…
I’m devastated to say the least… I can’t quit crying and I feel so helpless… Saturday night when dc and I were driving around I kept thinking, so this is what it feels like when your child runs away…. I’m hoping Murphy finds his way home or that we find him… I just want him to come back home!!! I keep thinking, did I treat him so bad that he just had to run away… is there something I could have done differently? I hope he knows that I’m searching for him endlessly and that I’m not happy that he’s gone… please send out good thoughts for Murphy… that he comes home soon!!!

2009

2009-01-09T09:57:00.007-06:00

Happy (Belated) New Years to everyone!!!! Here’s to hoping that everyone has a most excellent 2009!!!
Vacation was good and so far 2009 has been stellar!!! Over vacation dc and I went skiing in Colorado… we had a blast (gotta love credit card miles)!!
Other highlights, I found out that I got the one thing I was really wanted for Christmas, dc to move back!!! He hasn’t moved all of his stuff back yet, we’re going to go down one weekend and get it because his roommate is using it right now, but, he is back!!! YAY!!! I met all of dc’s family over the holidays and they were all really nice, not that I was expecting anything less… we got to play golf one day!!! I hit a 189 yard drive and got my first par!!! That was exciting!!! I can’t seem to find my motivation as far as exercising goes… it’s been gone and doesn’t seem to be coming back… I’m really ready for the time change and warmer weather… there is so much more to do outside… being cooped up inside the house all the time makes me not want to do anything… I had a whole ton of stuff that I was going to blog about but now that I’ve actually started blogging it has all just escaped my mind… so, with that being said I’ll post some pics of our Colorado trip... you can see the rest (actually, all) of the pics here.

dc and I at the Ore House in Vail:

Frisco: where we stayed

Me skiing:

dc skiing:

Looking up the mountain:

Looking down the ski trail (Wrangler):

And... borrowed from Post Secret....

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T12:00:00.001-06:00

May this Christmas season fill your home with joy, your heart with love, and your life with laughter.

Up... Again

2008-12-12T11:05:00.002-06:00

Ok, so today’s a good day… this up and down emotionally is really getting to me… wearing me out… oh well, I suppose I just take the good with the bad… maybe I should say the good with the not-so-good…
Last night I went to the Y and participated in an “upbeat” water aerobics class… basically dare I say a “hip hop” class… I was worried about this for several reasons- 1) it’s been forever since I have swam, 2) um, I am so uncoordinated and I have absolutely no rhythm, 3) I had to wear a swimsuit (I ended up wearing a t-shirt over it- but hello, it was a white t-shirt and my top was black- not so smart!), 4) it was in a not-so-good part of town, and 5) I was going by myself and had absolutely no idea what to expect. Needless to say, I was all kinds of worried and stressed for no reason… there were only 4 other people there besides myself and they were all really nice… that was good… so now I am going to start going to the class on a regular basis… Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6… the guy teaching the class was really nice and said that they never have anything going on down there and I am welcome to use the indoor pool anytime, just call him and let him know and he’ll turn the heater on for me… YAY!!! So I’m thinking that while dc is gone I’ll just go swim… I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss swimming, I love being in the water… it’s such good exercise and for me it’s very enjoyable!!! I guess you could say it’s like exercising without hating it, or exercising without really exercising, doing something fun!!! I’ve been looking for that type of exercise for a while!!!
So here’s to hoping that today will be a good day and dc and I will have another amazing weekend (since, once again, it’s his last weekend here)!!! Happy Weekend Wishes to all of you too!!!

Again?!?!

2008-12-11T10:48:00.001-06:00

I’m not really sure where all of this “being so emotional” is coming from… or even why it’s here… I don’t know the answers to those questions but I do know that it’s driving me up the wall… I have been so emotional… extremely emotional…. Way too emotional…. I can’t even read some blog posts because I just bust into tears… I’m taking everything so personally…. And probably taking everything the way wrong way too… if there is any possible chance that something could be taken negatively, I will take it that way… I’m not like this all the time but I have been lately and like I said, it’s driving me crazy!!!! (Yes, my “visitor” is still here and has been for the better part of the past month… I’m pretty sure that my hormones are all crazy and that’s not helping me emotionally but I just can’t seem to make myself call the doctor. I suppose it’s just easier to gripe about it than actually do something about it.)
The holidays are usually a pretty emotional time for me but this year I am excited about them. I’m really excited about spending them with dc, who loves the holidays like I do, instead of with someone who doesn’t really care about them. For instance, this Thanksgiving was better than my past 8 have been. I wasn’t being pressured with “are you ready to go?”, “ can we leave now?”, “how long do we have to stay?”??? It was really nice to be able to relax and enjoy the time with my family.
That doesn’t help me with the way I’m feeling now though. I honestly feel like I can completely out of control, regarding my emotions anyways. Saturday dc and I were working and we had the radio on, it seems that every stupid song that came on brought tears to my eyes, and it was like all the songs were depressing too!!!! He told me last night that he’s leaving Monday and isn’t sure when he’s coming back… either Friday or Monday… of course we all know that my vote is for Friday… he said it depends on when his roommate is coming back… if he’s staying thru the weekend then dc will stay and they will work… if he’s coming back that weekend then dc will come back Friday… this really pisses me off end because his roommate is the one “helping” him to decide… I know, I know… selfish… it is very selfish of me but that’s the way I feel and I can’t help it… I really am working on and trying to be ok with all of this… with him “living” down there for about two weeks at a time but damn, he’s just killing me… getting used to him being here for a month at a time, then leaving again, just drains me… every time he leaves I feel like we’ve broken up because my life is the same as it was when he was here except he’s gone… I don’t get to go somewhere else and change up my routine…. once again, I’m being extremely selfish… I apologize for the majority of my posts being so negative and “all about dc” being gone and me being sad… I’m just really having a hard time with it and I feel bad talking about it because I know everyone gets tired of hearing it… so instead I just blog about it… it gets it out anyways…
I promise I really am trying to be positive and to stay positive but these damn emotions keep taking over and the negative just keeps on coming…

And More...

2008-12-10T16:33:00.001-06:00

So it seems that the number of things that I am grateful for in my life just keeps growing and growing… and I’m excited and happy about this… I went and weighed today for the first Holiday Trimmings weigh in and since last Wednesday I lost 3.8lbs! This makes for a total of 15.5lbs that I’ve lost total!!! The weight loss was going much better until Thanksgiving rolled around and it took me a little while to get back on the wagon so to speak but I’m not complaining. Working out at the Y is helping and seeing the loss on the scale is also motivating!!! Tomorrow night I’m going to a different Y and going to a water aerobics and swim class!! I am so excited, I love to swim!!!! (dc is going to be out of town until about 8 so that will give me a chance to go check out another Y and see what this swim class is all about!!!)
dc announced last night that he’s not going back until Monday now… he said that he had been thinking about it and decided that he wouldn’t leave on Friday, he’d stay til Monday. very nice!!! I’m glad he’s going to be here for the weekend, the weather is supposed to be beautiful, in the 70’s, and we’re going to go golf!!! Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad he’s going to be here for the weekend, I hate weekends without him, but in a way he’s just prolonging the inevitable. Except he did say, you never know, I may just keep delaying going back and just not go back… don’t toy with my emotions like that!!! but, he knows how I feel and I can’t be the one to make that decision, he has to be. It will all work out though, this I know.
So there are three (weight loss, swimming, and dc staying longer) more things for me to be grateful for!!!

More Good Things

2008-12-08T14:25:00.003-06:00

I was hoping that dc and I would have a good weekend and we did. We had a really awesome weekend!!! Saturday I cleaned and then went over to help dc work a little. We worked until a little after 5 and then went home… Saturday night we played Scrabble- too late to cook dinner- and built a fire!! I love fires!!! We’ve been talking about going camping but it has been really cold so we decided that since we haven’t been able to go camping we would camp in the living room. He had brought his sleeping bag so we set that up in front of the fire and camped out. I honestly haven’t had that much fun in a long time!!! Sunday we got up and he made cinnamon vanilla pancakes and omelets for breakfast!!! Lunch, during the Cowboys game, was brots with sauerkraut, and dinner was salmon, rice, and broccoli… the salmon was supposed to be dinner Saturday night but like I said, Scrabble got way good!!!
The kitties absolutely love boxes, especially the boxes that bottles of water come in… they are constantly playing or sleeping in them… Murphy loves being pulled around in a box so dc got the good idea to make them a sled out of a water box and some phone chargers that didn’t work. He cracks me up!!! So, here are the kitties in their sled… I suppose I should add that the sled has been repaired multiple times already… Mazzy likes to bite the charger cords…. She has an “old” one to play with that can chew up that won’t break anything but we apparently like to bite the one that is the handle to the sled…

And… as an added bonus, next week is my last full week to work this year!!! I only have 11 working days left this year after today!!! But it’s a good thing I’m not excited and I’m not counting down!!!!
I was invited to December’s wine night on Monday the 15th but I’m not sure if I’m going or not. dc and I joined the Y (YMCA) and are participating in the Holiday Trimmings special they are doing. It’s basically 6 weeks for $6 and you can use any of the three Y’s in town and take advantage of all the programs that they offer. They have a grand prize winner for the most weight lost and then first thru third place winners for men and women. You have to weigh in all 6 weeks to be eligible for the prizes (so I know for sure dc won’t be since he won’t be here next week to weigh) and I’m not sure if I will be either. The only day I don’t know if I’ll be able to weigh will be the 30th- it all depends on if we go skiing or what over my Christmas break. I’m excited though, we’ve been working out and playing racquetball. They also have an indoor pool that I’m going to take advantage of when he leaves. I know wine night is only one night but I really think that if I don’t continue to go after work on a regular basis I’ll end up “one nighting” myself to death and never go to the Y and work out.

Maybe It's Not So Bad

2008-12-06T11:29:00.000-06:00

As an update to yesterday’s post, things are better today… something else occurred to me though… I’ve had my “visitor” basically for the past 3 weeks… yes, I’m on the pill but it doesn’t really seem to be working as far as regulating goes… so my hormones could be (and probably are) completely out of whack…
dc and I went and looked at Christmas lights last night. That is probably one of my most favorite things to do. I love looking at Christmas lights. We used to go look at lights together, years ago. I honestly don’t remember the last time I went to look at lights though. anyways, back to the point… the Christmas lights were disappointing this year… I don’t know if they have been the past few years but as of last night there were only a few people that had lights up (I say a few- a few compared to what I remember). We were talking and we don’t know if the economy is the reason or if people are just being Scroogey… the ex brought all my holiday decorations over about a month ago and they’re all sitting in the 2nd bedroom… the only problem is, I have no place to put anything… I’m debating on trying to put out a little bit of stuff or just not doing it… last year I didn’t have anything out either due to the move… I love decorating for Christmas though… so, decisions, decisions…
dc’s working and I just finished cleaning… I thought I’d stop by and blog for a minute before I go get in the shower… here’s to hoping his last weekend here is a good one!!

Enough Already

2008-12-05T16:30:00.001-06:00

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving, when I was in such a not-so-good mood, and was trying desperately to get out of the funk, I decided to finally make a gratitude list. I haven’t shared my list with anyone because for some reason I am embarrassed about it… because of what I put on there I guess? I don’t really know… my list made me realize that I do have an abundance of things to be thankful for but somehow when I go re-read my list, I get sad. Really sad. I don’t know why this happens. It bothers me though.
I don’t know if me getting so sad has something to do with the fact that dc’s leaving next Friday, the 12th, to go back to Corpus for about a week or what. (He’s mentioned several times in my gratitude list). And I know I have no reason to be sad about him leaving but ever since I found out earlier this week that he was leaving next Friday I have just obsessed over that. It’s driving me crazy. I’m driving myself crazy. He is still here for a week but I’m already thinking about him leaving (and yes, he’ll only be gone about a week) and I know that the week will fly by and it will all be ok but it seems that every time he leaves it gets harder and harder to say bye. Devastating is the word that comes to mind. I absolutely hate it when he’s gone. I just want to ask him, do you really have to go? Why can’t you just stay? I know I should be grateful for the time he’s here (because he’s here more than he is there) but damn it if I can’t be. We’ve been hanging out/dating for almost 8 months and I still feel like I did when our relationship was new. The whole, I can’t quit thinking about him all the time, I constantly want to be with him, how good he makes me feel, how I think I can’t possibly care about him anymore than I already do but somehow I manage to find myself caring more and more. Feeling all of these emotions makes me feel like a sad sap of a person. Is this normal or is there something just “wrong with me?” I would give anything for him to just move back. Bring everything back with him when he comes back for Christmas… even better would be him not leaving and over Christmas vacation going down there and packing all his stuff up and bringing it back. Like I keep saying, I know I can’t make this decision for him, he has to do it, but damn it, I hope he knows how much it hurts when he leaves. He did say that he was shooting for the first of the year as far as moving back goes because it’s really hard trying to work from Corpus and here. We’ll see. I don’t want to get my hopes up and get excited until I know for sure.
I just want out of this funk. After writing all of this, I’m thinking that my sadness could be caused by a multitude of different things right now, mainly the holidays and dc’s leaving though. I’m really having second thoughts about posting all of this… like I said, I just feel like such a sad sap because I guess it’s almost like I feel that my happiness is directly related to if dc is here or not... and I know that’s not the case, I’m just so much happier when he is here.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T12:01:00.002-06:00

The kitties, dc, and I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm Trying, I Really Am

2008-11-26T10:44:00.004-06:00

Momma wrote me a letter once and in it she said something along the lines of, those that we are closest too will hurt us the most. It took me a long time to really and fully understand what she meant by that. Things have been a little on the “rough” side lately. With Thanksgiving tomorrow I’m really trying hard to focus on the good things in my life. I have so many things to be thankful for, I just need to get rid of the negative mindset and work on the positive mindset. That in itself is a challenge and right now I’m so tired and worn out. I’ve been sick since Sunday and on top of that haven’t been sleeping good at all, like 3 maybe 4 hours a night. I would so much rather be happy than sad, I just need to get there.
Ironically, after I published that I got an email which was very much needed…

For me, this picture embodies what I feel thankfulness is. Presence, Recognition, Honor and Gentleness
Thankfulness comes from awareness gained by being completely Presence in the moment.
This presence leads to a deep Recognition of what we have and how precious it all is.
The realization of the precious nature of what we have leads to Honoring it.
Honoring it leads to being Gentle with what we have.
Being Thankful can be like walking a razor’s edge sometimes. I know I fail at times to be Present, to Recognize, to Honor and/or to be Gentle. We all have varying issues that cloud our ability to be thankful for any given thing from a job to a relationship. Sometimes, it takes effort to be thankful! It is fighting yourself, your inner demons, to choose and have happiness. The Spiritual Warrior doesn’t fight the world. The Spiritual Warrior fights those things within him or herself that prevent health and happiness.
Wishing you all a grand GivingThanks day. May you have fewer inner and outer battles this GivingThanks day!

That Stings

2008-11-17T10:50:00.002-06:00

A blog that’s finally not about food…
I understand that people can’t hurt you unless you let them hurt you… that doesn’t make it any easier though. Someone that is supposed to be one of the people closest to me in my life has really hurt my feelings and it’s not something that has just happened once. There have been a few situations and I’ve tried to just let it all go and not worry about it but like I said, it doesn’t make it any easier. I suppose this is just one way of finding out who your true friends are; friends that will love you and accept you when you’re happy or sad, rich or poor, no matter what your situation or what choice you make in life. I thought that this person was a true friend but over the past few months I’m thinking that 1) I was wrong in that assumption or 2) maybe things have changed between us and that’s not the case now. I have decided that I’m not going to apologize for the choices that I’ve made and that if my “friends” can’t be happy for me finally being happy then maybe they’re not really my friends after all. I don’t understand why they can’t be happy for me, maybe they’re not happy in their lives and seeing me happy upsets them, maybe they liked me better when I was sad and miserable most of the time, I don’t know the reason and I really don’t understand but there’s nothing I can do about it except try to remove myself from the situation. I’m not going to stand around and let them pick on me and make me feel bad about myself especially when the decisions that I’m making are making me a happier person and they are good decisions for me. I can’t do that because it’s not fair to me. And as selfish as that sounds, I have learned that I have to take care of me. This has made me realize who my true friends are and it makes me so grateful for them.

Food, Food, and more Food

2008-11-16T13:24:00.002-06:00

So McDonald’s didn’t hurt me like I thought it would, on the scale anyways. As of this morning I’m down 14.7lbs- YAY!!! So, on that note I decided not to wait until Wednesday to update my ticker… I’m too excited!!! Ever since dinner last Saturday I’ve been craving fish so I decided to cook some cod and veggies last night for dinner. dc told me that it wouldn’t be that difficult to cook some fish so I thought I’d give it a try… um, it was ok… let’s just say that my fish wasn’t near as good as it was last Saturday night or dc’s fish. That’s ok though, it’s part of the learning process I suppose. I ended up making cod and asparagus and sautéed mushrooms… the asparagus and mushrooms were good though. I still have a piece of fish in the fridge that I need to cook but I’m not really craving it anymore, lol. I thought about giving it to the kitties, we’ll see though. I’ve been craving an omelet too though so last night dc gave me instructions on how to make an omelet. (If you don’t know by now you should know that I am extremely challenged in the kitchen…lol.) The omelet wouldn’t have been bad had I not burned the bacon. But I’m good at burning bacon… oops this morning I just kinda forgot about it… I didn’t wander off, in fact I was right by the stove, cutting up mushrooms… I just forgot about it and then was like, crap, my bacon’s burned… no biggie though… so I had an omelet and an avocado… I threw almost half of the omelet away though because I was so full… and I feel so bad about throwing food away, I don’t know if this comes from being told to clear my plate when I was little or what but I think that’s a big part of my problem, still feeling so guilty about not eating everything on my plate. The solution then would be to not put so much on my plate or not make so much. I need to tuck that away and (try to) remember that I don’t have to eat everything on my plate.
So I found out for sure that dc will be home Friday. We were talking last night and he made the comment that it is ridiculous that we miss each other so much and he said, I’ve got to figure something out. Hopefully that means he’s going to work on getting his butt back here asap!!

I Really Did...

2008-11-14T12:34:00.004-06:00

So the wine party was last night… it was fun… there were 6 of us there… they said sometimes there can be up to 15 people there but I’m glad last night was small since I was so nervous anyways!!! the “girls” that were there were really nice (what was I expecting??) and made me feel really comfortable… that was really good!!! S and I went and ate sushi before the party and I got home a little after 10… not bad… not bad at all… I’m glad I went.
(This is where it gets bad!!) But, when I got home I was so hungry!!! I mean, starving (or so I thought)! I can only imagine that it was the wine I drank that made me think I was hungry but I had visions of a quarter pounder with cheese and fries dancing in my head… I changed clothes, washed my face, and got a bottle of water… dc was still working so I couldn't talk to him and I for the life of me could not get the image of McDonald’s out of my head… so, I gave in… I got in the car, drove to Mickey D’s, but when I got there I saw the line in the drive-thru and was so bummed out that it was so long. So I sat in the parking lot for a bit… yes, I did… I just sat there, hoping I guess that all the cars would be like, oh, we don’t want to be here, let’s just leave…. But instead of anyone leaving the line I left and went home. I was proud of myself for not giving into temptation but guess what is still dancing in my head?!?! If you just happened to guess a cheeseburger and fries you are a mind reader!!! Yes!!! Still!!! So, I have decided at lunch that I am going to get a cheeseburger and fries…. I can’t even begin to explain the amount of guilt I feel over this decision. Hello, it’s one meal?!?! It’s not like I’m committing to eating this for every single meal the rest of my life but I feel like I’m cheating!! And I keep telling myself, the only person I’m cheating is me, by not “rewarding” myself every once in a while. Before the sushi last night, I can’t remember the last time I actually ate something that wasn’t a Smart Ones or a frozen meal like that. If I don’t eat the burger and fries I’ll probably end up doing something really stupid later like eating a million burgers and fries… besides, one “bad” meal isn’t going to cause me to gain the 12.9lbs back that I’ve lost so far… (I weigh every morning and calculate my loss to that point but I only update the ticker on Wednesdays- why, I have no idea… maybe I’m scared I’ll constantly be adjusting it up and down)… I really like seeing the numbers on the scale go down and I think that if I eat bad today and they go up tomorrow, even just a little, I’ll freak out… we’ll see what happens… I almost had myself “talked into” going to Mickey D’s and it being ok, well, somewhat ok… now, I’m second guessing myself… all over one stupid cheeseburger and some fries….
(and to make it even worse, dc got a star for working out yesterday and I didn't. yes, this is his first star since he's been gone but still... so I ask you, WTH is wrong with me?)

UPDATE:
So I went to McDonald’s for lunch… got my quarter pounder with cheese meal… and you know, it wasn’t that good… the fries weren’t what I was hoping they would be nor was the burger… In my mind I was expecting something quite different… on the way I told myself, ok, when you’re eating, eat slow, enjoy it, this is a treat. Don’t just inhale the food and then think, hhhmm, I wonder if that was good…
Maybe it was the fact that I actually paid attention to how it tasted (and it’s always been not that good) or maybe something inside of me changed (hopefully) and maybe after it not being so good I won’t crave it anymore… I really don’t know and I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing… I’m hoping that I can remember how not good it was though.

One More

2008-11-13T15:52:00.002-06:00

I get one more star for last night, I did my yoga dvd again!!! I know I won't get a star tonight though because it's wine night... and I am already really nervous...

Good Stuff

2008-11-12T14:21:00.001-06:00

I get another star for working out last night. That’s good stuff. My scale showed a total loss of 12.2lbs this morning, more good stuff.
Last night I stopped by Target to get my fall themed gift and I was standing in line to check out- there were only like 2 registers open and both had long lines of people with buggies full of stuff… after standing there with my 2 items for what seemed like forever this lady in the line next to me said, m’am, why don’t you go in front of me, you only have 2 items. I try to do this on occasion just to be nice and it was really nice to have someone “return the favor”. That was a very nice thing for her to do. I thanked her several times, I hope she knows that I really appreciated that.

Another Post!!!

2008-11-11T10:25:00.001-06:00

So, be proud of me, I earned a star for my calendar last night… I did my yoga dvd… and I can’t tell you how profound the change in my attitude was after I was done with yoga… yesterday was a difficult day emotionally for me… I think the majority of it is coming from pms but also from the fact that dc is gone and then from the “Friday event”…
On a side note- Friday I got some disturbing and not good news but there’s nothing I can do about it. I wasn’t going to blog about it and I’m not going to get into details but let’s just say that financially things have changed for me. It pisses me off to no end but like I said, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’m working to forget it the best I can. (The only reason I mention this is because this “event” was weighing heavy on my mind yesterday having to go to the dentist and not knowing how I was going to be able to pay for it. Luckily my mom is so freaking awesome and she “took care of it for me”. That made me cry, she has no idea how much that means to me, well, she does now, after I broke down in tears when she told me she had paid for it.)
One of our account reps and I have gotten to be friends… we talk when she comes in here and we text… she’s been inviting me to wine night with her and her friends for several months now and finally this Thursday I’m able to go! I’m really excited but at the same time really nervous since she is the only one that I will know but she is picking me up (she lives right around the corner). At least I won’t have to show up by myself. (I don’t know that I would!) Normally I wouldn’t do anything like this. Being married to my ex I became quite the socia-phobe!! Bad!!! Occasionally it would get to the point where I wouldn’t even want to leave the house (and for a while didn’t). Since we are no longer together and dc and I are always going and doing being social has become quite a bit easier. I find myself falling back into my old patterns and habits- the way I was many years ago before I “hermited up”. Getting there Thursday night will be the battle but after that it will be fun!! Last night dc and I were talking and I was telling him the S had invited me to wine night and that I was going to go. This was our conversation:
dc: wait, did you say you were going to go?
Me: yes I am.
dc: really?? Do you know anyone else besides S?
Me: nope.
dc: and you’re really going to go?
Me: yes!!!
dc: good for you, I’m proud of you!! I know you’ll have fun!!
The only not-so-good part of wine night… I need to go get a bottle of wine and then she also said that they were having a Chinese Christmas with a fall themed gift (under $10) and if I wanted/could I could bring an appetizer or a small dish of some sort… normally I would be quite excited to do all this but it’s looking like wine night is going to cost me about $50 or $60 and that stresses me… oh well, it will be fun though.
I keep telling myself- focus on the positive, focus on the positive!! Think about what you want, not about what you do not want.

A First... and Pics

2008-11-10T10:23:00.002-06:00

So Saturday night was a first for me… I went to eat with km and her sister and I ordered grilled salmon for dinner… I debated and debated until I thought km and her sister were going to kill me… I was going to go with the usual “stand by”- a cheeseburger and fries but I just kept thinking, 10.8 lbs and 6.5 inches… really? Do I really want a cheeseburger and fries?? So I ordered the salmon and that was the first time I’ve ever ordered fish at a restaurant before. It was really good too!!!
Kim blogged about this and it’s something that I’ve really been thinking about lately and it has been bothering me. Since I decided to really get serious and commit to losing weight I have become obsessed with food. Thinking about food, what I’m going to eat, what I would like to eat, what is the scale going to say when I do eat. Surely this can’t be healthy. I know I have to be conscious of what I eat but obsessing over it non-stop? Is there no happy medium? I was really worried that I would just start eating everything in sight when dc left but luckily that hasn’t happened, something inside me is using what little self-control I have.
As far as exercising, I’ve only worked out one day in November so far. That is not good. I have that free year membership but I can’t quite get myself to go. I brought my bag of workout clothes today so maybe after I leave the dentist I can convince myself to go. I’ve also got my yoga dvd that I love doing but can’t seem to make myself actually get up and do it. Where is my motivation?? And why does it seem so much harder to work out with dc here? When he’s here I’m the one motivating us to go. What changes? I don’t understand and it’s frustrating me!!
I got pictures of Brianna! YAY! I even took a video of her dancing but I didn’t realize that you can’t rotate a video (or if you can I don’t know how) so I’m going to have to redo that… (actually, it never occurred to me that I would have to rotate it anyways)… once again, sometimes I am so smart it scares me…

Catching Up

2008-11-05T14:03:00.013-06:00

Where to start… dc and I have been hanging out, all the time… when he’s here he stays with me… his sister is getting divorced and her and her kitties took over his old room at his parents house… since he’s been staying with me that’s how "the takeover" happened… I don’t mind though, I actually like it, ok, I really like having him there. He’s leaving Friday to go back to Corpus but I honestly don’t think he’ll be down there (permanently) much longer. He will be back for Thanksgiving so he’ll only be gone for about 2 weeks this time. He doesn’t really seem to like it much, not as much as he thought he would anyways. Besides, he’s actually here more than he’s there. I just realized that when he leaves Friday he will have been here for a month. He says that it’s not fun down there with his roommate, if it was me it would be different but it’s not, and that the longer we’re together the more he wants to be here and doesn’t want to leave here. (Plus, his office is here, he just takes work with him when he goes back and then has stuff shipped down there.) I hate the fact that he’s not happy down there but hopefully he won’t be down there much longer, from the way he’s talking anyways. So keep your fingers (and toes) crossed that he’ll be moving back soon!

The past two weekends we’ve gone to Dallas and gone bowling at the 300 Dallas and then on to Dave & Buster’s (if you haven’t noticed we really like D&B’s). I have now officially scored my high score bowling, 127, which I have a picture of!! (please don’t “judge” the picture- the beer was going down way too smooth!)

At D&B’s we won Brian (the pink hippo) a sister, her name is Brianna. She is a (lighter color- think baby) pink hippo (and smaller) and has on a cheerleader outfit, too cute. I don’t have a picture of her yet but I will. I may even try to post a video of her “singing” and “dancing”, she is so cute when she dances. She shakes her little hips. dc and I had been joking for quite sometime that Brian has been telling us that he wants a sister so we went on a mission to win him a sister and we did. We have now accumulated over 30,000 tickets. I have no idea what we’re going to do with all of them, but right now we just plan to keep on accumulating them.

Momma and daddy were out of town the last week of October so dc and I borrowed Scrabble and Monopoly from them. We have had the best time playing games. That’s what we do at night (and on Sundays), play Scrabble and Monopoly. Up until Monday night I had lost every single game of Scrabble that we’ve played. My Scrabble skills are improving though, I finally won three games the other night!! I’ve been joking that while he’s gone I’m going to play by myself. We’ve only played one game of Monopoly, it continued over like 4 days though. It kept getting late and we would get tired so we would pack it up and continue on the next day. He ended up winning though, no surprise to me, I’ve never ever won a game of Monopoly in my life.

Here are Mazzy & Murphy "playing" Monopoly although before they discovered the box lid they were trying to eat the houses and the money-

(Yes, Murphy weighs 17.5 lbs- I don't know what to do though, they're both on low-fat food and they each get 1/2 cup a day, that's it. By the looks of things you would think I feed them non-stop!)

We’ve been working out although we took this week off since it is his last week here. (He was going to leave Wednesday, then it was Thursday, now it’s Friday, but I know he’s leaving Friday but only because his friend is flying into Houston to visit his uncle about business and then driving to Corpus for the weekend. If his friend wasn’t flying in I don’t think he would be going back.) So we took this week off but I finally did take a picture of our October workout calendar with the stars on it. We'll see how good our November calendar looks after we have a whole month to work on it! The working out/losing weight is going fairly well. So far I’ve lost 7.6lbs and he’s lost 9.4lbs. They say it’s easier for guys to lose weight than girls but I think right now my problem is my “visitor”; she’s getting ready to visit and I really honestly thinks that messes with my weight. We’re taking our measurements tonight too so we can see how we’re doing there.
I almost forgot, I entered a raffle for a year membership to CardioPlus and I won!! It’s open 24 hours and it’s right by the apartment. I haven’t gone by to check it out yet but I plan on doing that at the beginning of next week. I’m hoping they’ll have a yoga class or something!! I’m excited though and I can't wait to see what they have to offer!
And lastly, my face… man alive, what is the deal with my face. I switched birth control back in February to see if the new one would help with my pms- the emotional side of it. It has but I don’t know if it’s causing my face to break out horribly or what. (My face hasn’t been out of control since February though, only since sometime in the late summer.) The only other thing I can think of that has changed was the base I was using. I changed my base in the summer because dc and I were always outside and I was getting tan so I needed to change colors so I decided to go with an “all mineral” powder base. Saturday I went back to my “old” base though, hopefully that will help because I’ve even gone to the doctor and she gave me a topical stuff to put on my face to try and that’s so not helping either. And it’s not like my “situations” are just small, oh hell no, they’re these large nasty pus filled things. They are SO gross!!! I mean, nasty!!! (Sorry for being so nasty and descriptive). Since the topical stuff isn’t working I’ve got all my hope in the old base, maybe that will do the trick. If not I guess I will call the doctor about my not-so-new birth control or go to the dermatologist.

Here's a picture of dc that I took on Friday afternoon. He had to go to a funeral and he was all dressed up so I couldn't resist taking a picture of him looking so cute!!

So that’s what’s been going on in my corner of the world. Maybe next time I won't wait so long to post so that my blog won't be 10 million pages long.

More on Getting Serious

2008-10-24T12:17:00.000-05:00

I can’t believe I forgot to blog about this when I blogged about our weight loss plan… duh, hello brain?? So in addition to weighing, we took our measurements the other night… that was a depressing site but at least we’re doing something about it… we’re not just going to rely on the scale to monitor our progress since hopefully we’ll be building muscle in addition to losing fat so we’re measuring inches lost too… and I read somewhere, I think on some “confessions” website about someone using star stickers to help motivate them… so I printed out monthly calendars for October, November, and December and bought some star stickers. For every day that we work out we get a star on the calendar. I like stickers (I know, 5 year old mentality) and seeing those stars on the calendar do motivate me. The more stars the better!!! I know it probably sounds lame saying that but it works for me and I’ll take anything that helps!! When I first contemplated the idea and bringing it up to dc I was like, he is going to make so much fun of me, but surprisingly he didn’t. I said, you’ll probably think this is stupid but… His reply was anything that helps motivate and keep you motivated is not stupid. If you quit exercising or don’t do anything, that’s stupid.
So, now that he knows my measurements and what I weigh I do have to do something to make this better. lol I fought tooth and nail to not have to tell him what I weigh but I gave in. He said, it’s not like me knowing exactly what you weigh is going to change anything between us. He’s such a sweetie and he’s so good to me. It’s so nice to have someone support you in your decisions and not have to go at it alone.

Getting Serious

2008-10-23T15:33:00.003-05:00

So last Thursday night, at dinner ironically while eating Mexican food including chips, hot sauce, queso, and drinking beer, dc and I laid down some ground rules regarding our weight loss efforts (that have been less than stellar so far)… but that is changing… some of the rules - we must work out at least 30 minutes a day at least 5 times a week, you can’t use your two free days in a row, and no more fast food (damn!!)… for some reason since I decided to blog about our weight loss my mind went blank regarding the rules… figures! Anyways back to the point, reading ilax’s blog has really motivated me to want to work out and lose weight… between her blog and dc and I’s conversations I am super motivated!!! Plus the other night at walmart I got behind a couple that was so big they had to use the motorized wheelchairs, they couldn’t even walk, and I refuse, yes refuse, to be like that! dc and I have been working out like we agreed too and we have even started running during our walks!! I am really excited about this!!! No one has ever been patient enough to try to run with me… we’ve been going to a high school track to walk/run but the only problem is that there are no lights there. Looking around, there are no lights at any of the tracks at the schools nor are there any lights on the walking/biking trail that the city put in. So, we are going to join the Y so that we can play racquetball, swim, use the weights, track, classes, whatever… the Y offers a couples membership (and you don’t have to be married!) to take advantage of it, YAY!!! I am really excited about this, I can’t wait to have to move my ticker at the top of the page to show my weight loss!!! I can’t wait to bore everyone to tears with my weight loss tales!! So, be prepared, be very prepared because I plan to kick ass and take names!!! Here’s to getting serious!!!

Vegas Baby!!

2008-10-22T15:23:00.001-05:00

Our trip to Vegas was awesome!!! It started out a little on the not-so-good side but it turned out excellent!!! We woke up at 4:15 Saturday morning so that we could be at the airport by 5:45 since our plane left at 6:52… we have an Air Force base in town and apparently the airmen are allowed more luggage than we are so this flight was “weight restricted”… it was dc and I and another girl waiting to be called to board… turns out due to the weight on the plane they only had room for one more person… she went… we caught the next flight, 4 hours later!!! But, we did get to sit by each other on the way to Vegas, if we would have made the 6:52 flight it didn’t look like we were going to have seats together… plus, we got vouchers for money off of our next flight, and dc said, you know we’ll use those vouchers, YAY for another trip!!! We ended up getting to Vegas about 2 hours later than we would have if we would have made the earlier flight, no biggie though… the only reason I was ticked was the fact that I got up at 4:15 on a Saturday morning. After that I was kinda worried that us not making the first plane was an omen of how the trip was to go… turns out I was worried for nothing. We had a phenomenal time. Vegas is awesome and beautiful and I would love to go back. Basically we gambled and ate, walked around, and I took a ton of pictures. Our hotel was beautiful!!! They had a river inside with gondolas floating down them that you could ride if you wanted too. We casino hopped all over the place. Oh yeah, we went to New York New York and rode the rollercoaster, that was so cool!!! I collected $1 chips from all the casinos we went too. There was so much to see and so much to do… we so needed more time and we both didn’t want to leave to come home to “reality”. I think the warmest it got the whole time we were there was about 72, they had a cool front blow in Saturday and it was so nice, we wore jackets the entire time. I only took over 130 pictures but don’t worry, I won’t post all of them, lol. You can find more Vegas pictures here.

Not-So-Smart

2008-10-21T09:48:00.004-05:00

So since I don’t have any Vegas pictures with me at work right now I’ll blog about something not-so-smart that I recently did… well, it’s actually two things but they kinda tie in together… first let me say that I am proud to be a Texan… knowing this, you would think that I would know more about my state if I’m so proud of it… apparently that’s not quite the case… when dc and I were in Vegas, one of the dealers decided we would play a little Texas history (it seems everyone asked where we were from due to our accents)… needless to say I get quite nervous when this subject comes up as history (and geography) are not my strong suite… the dealer reassures me not to worry, the first question is quite easy… what is the capital of Texas? Um, I’m not sure… I know it’s either Austin or Houston but in the middle of the “panic” I don’t really know so I look at dc… he looks at me like, really, seriously, and says we were just there, you don’t remember driving by the capital- in Austin??? Hhhmm, we were just there weren’t we… and then I remembered remarking that the Capital building was so pretty… ok… so then the dealer says, well, ok, I won’t ask you anymore history questions… whew, I was off the hook then!!!
Fast forward to last night… I get a picture message from one of my friends and for the life of me I can’t figure out what in the hell it’s a picture of… I’m turning the phone all kinds of sideways, up and down, no luck…
So this morning I text him back and ask him where are you?
him: do you really have to ask?
me: um, yeah…
him: I was at the Alamo…
me: oh! That’s what that was!!! I thought it was a profile of some guy and spent forever trying to figure out who it was… duh!!!
Sometimes I really wonder about me… does anyone else have this problem… or am I just so special in my own ways???

Cheese Please

2008-10-02T16:01:00.011-05:00

I’ve been missing dc… missing him bad… apparently he’s been missing me too (I’m glad)… anyways, we met in Waco last Friday after I got off work… we spent Friday night in Waco and Saturday morning we got up and drove to Austin… we spent Saturday and Sunday in Austin. I had never been to Austin before and it is absolutely beautiful. We stayed at the Hilton on 4th Street Saturday night and walked around the 6th Street area Saturday afternoon and evening. Sunday we went to Dave & Buster's (oh yeah we did) and we now have over 26,000 tickets. We watched the Cowboys play (read: lose) and then played some more. (When dc booked the room at the Hilton, he got us the romance package, he is so sweet he just kills me!!!) I have never ever had anyone “wine me and dine me” like he is and we’ve talked about this… like how in the beginning of a relationship you’re on your “best behavior” and for the most part you may not be acting like your “true” self… we’ve both agreed that ever since the first night we met for dinner we’ve both been acting like our “true” selves… which would explain the fights and arguments that we had in the beginning but our communication has grown so much better though, I am amazed. (I think that us both being our true selves has a lot to do with us having known each other our whole lives.)
This weekend his parents are going down to see him. It’s also our Autumn Harvest Moon Dinner (Knight of Columbus “thing” that my boss is really active with) at work. Last year at the dinner I won the Grand Prize which was a $750 gift certificate to United (grocery store) AND a $750 gift certificate to Walmart! Woohoo!!! I just wish dc was going to be here to go with me. That’s ok, he’ll be back Tuesday or Wednesday, hopefully Tuesday.
His birthday is Friday the 10th. Last weekend in Waco he decided that he would like to go to Vegas for his birthday. He said that if I could get off work he would pay for everything… SO… I’m off work the 13th and the 14th and we’ll be in Vegas the 11th thru the 14th!! I am so excited!!! I have never been to Vegas before and I can’t wait!!! He’s been once so we’re both really excited to go!!! I’m so excited, we’re staying at the Venetian (in a luxury suite-omg!!! I have never been exposed to anything so nice before- how sad is that?!?)!!! I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of pictures I’m probably going to take seeing as how I can’t seem to take enough pictures of places around here, lol. Momma is “kitty-sitting” her grandkitties while we’re gone… she’s so sweet!! I don’t know what I would have done lately without her watching her grandkitties while I roam all over the place.
I know I’ve only said this about a million times but it’s so nice to be happy, I could really get used to being happy all the time!!! It's not the "material" things or the places we go that make me so happy, it's just being with him. He is a truly amazing person. (I only wish he didn't live 8 hours away!) Things are good though and I couldn’t be happier.
(Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, on the way home I got a speeding ticket, 81 in a 55, ouch. I need to call on it to see how much it's going to be.)

Welcome to the Family

2008-09-18T11:39:00.007-05:00

This is Bryan. I would like to take a moment to welcome him to the family. This last weekend dc and I went to Dave and Buster’s then to eat at Fogo De Chao’s. Before we started playing at Dave and Buster’s we walked thru the gift shop to see what we wanted to win. Of course I immediately spotted the pink hippo and was hell bent on that! Having figured out what we were going to win, we set out on a mission. We finally found this one game (I can’t for the life of me remember what it was called- the jack and cokes were going down way too smooth!) and we cleaned up on tickets. It was hilarious because we had this stack/pile of tickets on the floor; I only wish I would have remembered to take a picture of that! Adults and kids kept walking by making remarks on our pile of tickets. As we were debating if we had enough tickets for the hippo and decided we would take our chances, this guy walks up and asks us if we are done with the game. We tell him yes, he can have it, and his eyes lit up like we told him he had won the lottery. We ended up having to get a tub for all of our tickets, the lady weighed them, and holy hell we had over 9,000 tickets. (We were both jumping up and down like we had won the lottery when she told us that, we were so excited about the hippo and the HUGE amount of tickets we had.) The hippo, whose name is Bryan now, was only 4,000+ tickets. lol dc couldn’t figure out why he was so expensive- “because after all he is just a stuffed hippo” and he wasn’t buying the fact that it was because “he is a hippo and everyone loves and wants a hippo. It turns out he’s not just a hippo, he’s a musical hippo AND his ears wiggle while he sings to you. (Also note, Bryan has red “painted” nails, a pink bow around his neck with hearts on it, and the hearts on his paw light up when he sings. dc said that his nails are red “fresh from a kill because we know that a boy hippo sure wouldn’t paint his nails”. I personally think Bryan might be a bit “light in his loafers” but I don’t care, I love him regardless.) Bryan, who is the most adorable pink hippo I’ve ever seen, now sits on my nightstand with my teddy bear. When dc leaves to go back “home” they will move to the bed so that I won’t have to sleep by myself.

In case you’ve been doing some math and you’re wondering what we did with the rest of the tickets, we bought a coffee maker for my apartment, a coffee mug, a shot glass, another glass, and we still have over 500 tickets left… whew!!! Dave and Buster’s is awesome; I can’t wait to go back!!!

P.S. Mazzy wasn't quite sure what to think of Bryan singing while his ears wiggled.

"Our" Story

2008-09-17T16:36:00.003-05:00

I’ve know dc my whole life- ever since I can remember. Our parents went to the same church, this is the only church either of us have ever known and I think we started going when I was 3. (Ironically, over Labor Day while we were dog-sitting for his parents- we were staying at their house- we were going thru a cabinet in the kitchen looking for a Bundt cake pan- monkey bread rules!!!- and we found church directories going back to the early 1990’s. We were all in there and it was hilarious!!! Taking that trip down memory lane together was so much fun and it was so funny to look back on those times.) Anyways back to the story, we grew up at church together. We have history, a lot of history together- some of it just friends some of it more than friends. Growing up and as far back as I can remember I always said, I’m going to marry that boy one day. I’ve loved him for as long as I can recall. During high school and college dc and I were really close. We talked on the phone constantly- usually all night long and hung out together constantly- especially when km and I got our own apartment. dc and I have talked about this so many times and for the life of us neither one of us can remember or figure out why we quit talking. We just kinda quit talking and drifted apart, somehow, unbeknownst to us. I graduated shortly after we quit talking and we went separate ways. We’ve talked and somehow just based on where we’ve both been in our lives and the way we are if we would have got together before now it wouldn’t have worked out. We just know that. We both agree that everything happens for a reason and we both think what is happening between us is the best thing that has ever happened to either one of us. He is the most phenomenal person and has made me happier over the past 5 months than I’ve been in years. So that’s “our” story. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. (cheesy yes I know but so true.)

Exactly What You Need to Hear

2008-09-17T15:54:00.007-05:00

So I emailed momma this morning and was pity- partying about dc leaving… he was supposed to go back on Monday, it was switched to Tuesday, now it’s Friday… every day it gets one day later- I’m not complaining though, just like, you’re prolonging the inevitable… and it never fails the day before I get so sad it’s his “last night here” only to find out he’s staying another day… now he’s waiting on more product to come in… like I said, I’m not complaining, it’s just killing me- slowly… lol… anyways, I was pity- partying to momma and she said exactly what I needed to hear… exactly!!!
When dc first started talking about moving I was ok with it… I mean, not ok with it like I’m really ok with you moving 8 hours away but I’m ok with it because I understand that this is something that you’ve wanted to do for a long time and I don’t want you to end up resenting me because you didn’t go. It hurt (a lot) and I cried (a lot) and somehow seemed to lose sight of that perspective.

Momma’s reply to me was: I know you hate to see dc leave but you said he'd wanted to leave here for a long time. If he doesn't do it now and see if that's what he wants, he may never be happy. The new may wear off in a short time and he may move back but he'll always wonder if he doesn't take the chance now. He'll be back for a visit soon and who knows how long he'll decide to stay there at all. Maybe you can find something to get involved in to help pass the time.

After I cried, yes, I know, cried, I emailed her back and told her thank you; that was exactly what I needed to hear. She’s so right and now thinking back I’m disappointed in myself for losing sight of this but at the same time I’m grateful that she was able to help me shift my mindset and get me back to there. I have absolutely no idea where I would be right now without my family and my friends. I only hope they know how much they mean to me and how much I appreciate and love them.

My "Confessions"

2008-09-15T12:19:00.001-05:00

I’ve spent most of my morning reading True Confessions- Body, Mom, & Office. Here are a few of my confessions for today:

I know others have it worse than I do but I just can’t seem to shake the funk right now.
I haven’t been thinking about dc leaving and going back “home” but now that he’s leaving Wednesday I am getting so depressed. The tears have already started. I don’t know why he had to move.
I have quit taking all my prescription meds- except my birth control. I’ve been so moody and emotional lately it’s driving me crazy, ironic isn’t it? I read that it can take up to a month for your body to get back to “normal” after you quit taking meds... it hasn’t been a month yet but I’m still waiting.
I’m letting the “little stuff” get to me. I think this has to do with quitting the meds and dc leaving too. I can’t read, watch, or hear anything even semi-emotional without tearing up.
I want to write a book. I love to read and my whole life I’ve always wanted to write a book. I don’t know how or where to begin.

Happiness and suffering come from your own mind, not from outside. Your own mind is the cause of happiness; your own mind is the cause of suffering. To obtain happiness and pacify suffering, you have to work within your own mind.

Ike

2008-09-10T10:42:00.008-05:00

For the past week dc and I have been watching (Hurricane) Ike to see where he’s headed… I’m so glad that dc didn’t go home but even if he would have, he would have had to come back. His roommate is still there but is waiting for orders to evacuate… dc and I have been joking about Ike tearing down his house but now it looks like Ike is knocking on his back door. Like I said, I’m so glad he’s here and not there. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, where Ike decides to land, and what damage he does. I know everything happens for a reason, I’m just asking for your thoughts and prayers for everyone that has been and will be affected by Ike. You can track Ike here.

(On the good side, dc brought -almost- everything but his sleeping bag back with him when he came down. His roommate is packing up the rest of the "important" stuff to bring back. It's almost like it's a "sign" he should just stay here.)

(Update: dc just emailed me and said that the he talked to his roommate and that the water is already above their lowest deck and that the road surrounding the island is already flooding. I just read that WF is in an extended flood watch. We haven't even recovered from the flood a month ago and from my understanding this isn't part of Ike. 09/10 @ 2:10pm)

Corpus Pictures

2008-09-09T14:39:00.004-05:00

Instead of posting a billion pictures of Corpus here I thought I'd post them here

Pictures

2008-09-09T10:00:00.003-05:00

dc and I after a long day bowling- (read: long day bowling & drinking)

my 2nd highest score (I can't find the picture with my high score of 117)

Muenster- Hole # 11

one of the many views of the "fan farms" at Muenster

Happiness

2008-09-08T10:56:00.003-05:00

I know I keep blogging about being happy, mainly I think it’s because it’s something that I haven’t really felt in so long… bear with me…
For the past several months I have been so happy, happier than I have been in years. And it’s not just me that’s noticed. People that I don’t even know that well have made comments to me about it. I have mixed feelings about this. Was that I that unhappy that it was so obvious (to everyone) or now that I’m happy is it so obvious that I was unhappy? Does that even make any sense- is it the same thing? I’m hoping that it’s the fact that now that I’m so happy it’s obvious that I was so unhappy. I would hate to think that everyone was able to see that I was so unhappy for so long, especially since it took me a long time to accept the fact that I really was unhappy and that I needed to make a change. Needless to say, I suppose that none of that matters now because I am happy. I have made changes in my life for the better and for my happiness.
dc came into town early. I got back from Corpus on Monday the 25th and he was supposed to be here Friday the 29th. He ended up coming in Thursday. Only one day difference but I’ll take it any time! Originally he was supposed to be leaving today but he told me last Thursday morning that he wasn’t leaving today. I finally had the heart to ask him yesterday when he was going back “home”. He said he’s thinking next Monday (never would be fine with me, I think he should just move back here).
We decided that we’re going to go skiing over my Christmas “break”. Our Christmas vacation will be a long one this year too. We’ll work the 23rd and then not have to come back until 5th!!! Way too awesome!!! We’re going skiing in Breckenridge so that we can ski Vail and another place too (only I can’t remember the 3rd place). I’m really excited. Our weight loss isn’t going so swell but it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he is an amazing cook and is showing me how to navigate the kitchen. I know for a fact that I haven’t met anyone who can cook like dc can. We did buy a grill for my apartment though so hopefully we can try to cook a little healthier. I am inspired by Ilax and her weight loss though!! I need to follow her example!!!
On Labor Day we went bowling. I took a bowling class in college and never managed to break 100. Needless to say, in 2 different games I broke 100!!! I was so excited!!!
Saturday we went golfing in Muenster. They have the most beautiful golf course; hills, water, trees, everything that our golf courses in town don’t have. Everyone playing Saturday was playing so slow so I golfed a bit. I am currently learning how to putt. I suck pretty good at golf but it’s still fun and I love that dc is trying to teach me how to play. He doesn’t get frustrated and I don’t get embarrassed around him (that I suck). He’s a very good teacher.
(I do have pictures of my bowling scores and our golf trip to Muenster but I just can’t seem to remember to get the usb cord from dc so I can put them on the computer.)
Yesterday was a lazy Sunday. The only time I left the apartment was to go to get ice cream- I know, I know, once again, I wonder why we can’t lose weight. We watched 3 football games and the race. The Cowboys played an excellent game and Carl raced a good race.
I’m excited to see what this week has in store though. Life just keeps getting better and better.

We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.
— Anne Frank

Fate I Tell You!

2008-09-05T09:35:00.004-05:00

I mentioned before that I’ve been looking for a new car. I went and picked up a BMW 328i Wednesday at lunch and drove it until Thursday. I was so sad to say that I didn’t like it. I tried to talk myself into liking it but dc kept saying, if you don’t love it don’t get it, you should be really excited about it and I wasn’t. I kept thinking, I would really like another Passat but the new Passat I want is more than the BMW. So I took the BMW back and was driving a new Accord. I liked the car but not the color so the salesman and I were driving around to the back to see if they had any other colors and what happened… if you happen to guess that someone had just traded in a Passat you are correct!!! And when I say just traded in I mean just traded it in. It hadn’t even been detailed yet. It’s not brand new but it’s a 2006, 3 years newer than mine and only has 33,000 miles on it (mine is less than 300 miles away from hitting the 100,000 mark). It’s charcoal too, which I personally think is a sign it’s meant to be since my first one was black, the second one is white, and now the third one is gray- a mix of black and white!!! A sign I tell you!!! I drove it at lunch yesterday but it wasn’t detailed and it needed to be serviced so I’m going back down there today to drive it at lunch and hopefully to sign the papers on it. The best part is that my payment should only go up about $100. That’s awesome!!! Keep your fingers crossed that Perry (yes, he already has a name!) is mine!!!
I'm looking at Perry like I have manifested a new car! What I've been wanting! See, good things are on their way!! To me this is just another sign that I am where I need to be and want to be, that I am on the right track.
Update: I just called the dealership and my car isn't ready yet. Not a problem though. I would rather them take their time, do everything right, and get everything taken care of before I get down there. The salesman is supposed to call me back this afternoon to let me know what's going on and where we stand. Everything happens for a reason and when it's supposed to happen yes? Exactly what I thought.

Perfect

2008-09-04T09:04:00.002-05:00

Bits & Pieces

2008-08-28T11:37:00.004-05:00

(a pic of dc and I in Corpus)

I am officially divorced as of yesterday at 4:00. The court approved the divorce and my request to change my name back to my maiden name. So now the fun process of changing my name begins. It seems that since the divorce was final yesterday my to-do list has gotten significantly longer. I need to cancel our life insurance policy, close some bank accounts, and other fun stuff that I was just waiting for the divorce to be final before I did. That’s ok though, I’m not dreading doing any of it. Well, except standing in line at the Social Security office, lol. It also seems that I have an abundance of energy and that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m hoping that since I’m feeling better now my blogging will pick back up because I feel like I have so much to say now. I would hate to write one really long boring post though so for now I’ll just sum up everything and then fill in the details later.
My trip to Corpus rocked!!! dc and I had so much fun!! I have lots of good pictures to share! We didn’t do too much- except eat anyways. I managed to gain 6 lbs from Thursday to Tuesday morning when I weighed. Needless to say, we’ve talked about it and we’re both working on lifestyle changes as far as our eating habits are concerned. We have a bet going. We each have a certain amount of weight we want to lose so we have given ourselves until my Christmas vacation to lose the weight. The loser pays for a trip somewhere. We’re not sure if we’re going to go skiing over my Christmas break or if we’re going to go somewhere else. We’re also setting 10 lb goals with rewards too. I’m really excited about this. dc and I are doing really good. It’s been really hard with him being in Corpus but it’s getting better. He’s on his way back right now so he will be here when I get off work and he will be here thru the 8th. YAY!! Things have been going really good for me. Normally when things are going really good I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not this time. I have decided to take a different approach mentally and see what happens. dc and I were joking around when I was visiting him- I made the comment about how well things were going and how happy I was and have been and he said, next thing you know you’ll break up with me because life just keeps getting better and you’re not used to that. So instead of me waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’m going excited to see what new and positive things are coming my way. I’ve worked on a list of goals that I want to accomplish, some of them are short term and some are more long term. After my trip, reading and catching up on what my blogger friends have been doing- and being super motivated by them, setting goals for myself, and from conversations with dc, I am really excited about my life, what is going for me, and what is coming up. I actually have a plan (somewhat anyways!) of action, I know what I need to do to make my life what I want it to be so now I just need to work on making it happen. So far so good. I finally feel like I am “in charge” of my life so to speak. I suppose that the divorce was empowering to me. It made me realize that I can make my life anything I want it to be so that’s what I’m doing. Honestly I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve felt so good and so happy. That everything in my world is right the way it is now. Right now this is where I should be.

Tidbits

2008-08-21T09:03:00.001-05:00

My blogging has become more and more infrequent… I’ve had a lot going on and have really been working on myself and trying to figure myself out… so far so good… so on that note I have 2 little tidbits to share today…

I got a letter from my lawyer yesterday that said Wednesday, August 28th at 4:00 we go to court and my divorce is final. YAY!!!

My plane flies out of Wichita at 6:05 tonight and lands in Corpus Christi at 10:35. There is a small layover at DFW but that’s ok. I’m going to see dc (David). My plane gets back Monday night at 9:04. I am so excited and I can’t wait. There is more to this story but I’ll share that another time.

Good things are going on and I hope they continue. I’m working on staying positive so that hopefully they will!!!

Head Above Water

2008-08-04T10:40:00.003-05:00

The past few months I’ve been a “bad blogger”. I suppose I should say my blogging has been basically non-existent. The reason(s) for this… I’m not sure what to say, how much to say, what do I feel- this changes all the time, and then the main reason- I’ve been too down to even want to try to put any effort into blogging. It also seems that me feeling down and not really wanting to put any effort into anything is spilling over into other areas of my life as well- keeping in touch, emailing, basically being a productive person in most areas. I’ve tried to hide this and just keep it out of sight from (most) everyone. I realize that this is not healthy but that’s how I’ve been coping, or trying to cope anyways.
The past month or so I’ve been sleeping about 4 hours a night. Normally when I wake up and I’ve got at least two or more hours left to sleep and I can’t go back to sleep I get pissed. I lay there and get more and more mad so by the time my alarm goes off I have started the day in a super foul mood. Last week I decided that I would walk over to the fitness center in the apartment complex. So for 3 days last week I would find myself in the fitness center using the elliptical for 30 minutes at some crazy time of the morning when all the people in their right minds are still sleeping. At least I wasn’t already fuming mad when it was time for me to “get up”. Last night I actually slept. After tossing and turning for an hour I crashed. Finally. This morning when the alarm went off I was so tired the last thing I wanted to do was to get up but I did. I’m worn out now but hoping that I can get some sleep again tonight, it’s amazing how good sleep can make you feel.
So I’ve officially been in my apartment for a little over a month. The kitties have adjusted well. And they’ve been very good company. I picked up a final copy of our divorce decree last Thursday. So far so good. R and I are still talking and getting along. Things between us are weird for sure but there’s no hard feelings or bad blood. We’re both just taking care of what we need to take care of and trying to go from there. August 25th is the 60th day of our cooling off period. My attorney said he would schedule a court date and let me know when it is.
Last Sunday my car broke. And then I helped break it some more. Apparently somehow (and I have no idea how but I sure wish I knew!) I managed to put a hole in the oil pan and then proceeded to drive it with no oil in it. When daddy pulled the oil pan he noticed that the teeth from the cam gears were in the oil pan. Not a good sign at all. Right now I’m not sure what other damage I’ve done to the motor. It could be anything from just new cam gears to a whole new motor. Lovely. So now I’m car shopping.
Yesterday it was 107 outside and the air conditioner in my apartment decided to break down on me. Finally when it was 90 in the apartment I called the office and the maintenance guy came over. He rigged it up to work until he could get back over there today to fix it. All I know is that last night when I went to bed a little after 10 it was still 84 in there. Another lovely situation. At least this situation won’t cost me any money directly out of my pocket, not in repairs anyways.
As odd as this might sound, I know that this has been a rough patch for me but I do know with 100% certainty that it is for the best. Even though I’ve been down and haven’t been too overly optimistic, I do realize that I am already happier than I’ve been in a long time and that’s saying a lot. At least knowing (and feeling) that I’m on the right path to making me happier makes it easier to deal with everything.

On that note:
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." — Agnes Repplier

Sometimes, we can feel trapped by someone or a situation, but in reality we have created the situation ourselves by denying what we really want or who we really are.

Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.

Step One

2008-06-24T09:44:00.003-05:00

I went to see a/my lawyer this morning. It’s a very straight-forward uncontested divorce but since we have the restaurant a friend of mine recommended going thru a lawyer, basically to protect me since we did buy it while we were married. I can’t believe how expensive it is to get a divorce. I think our marriage license cost maybe $10 but the divorce is over 100 times that much. I obviously chose the wrong profession. They said that there is a 60 day “cooling off” period so it will be at least 60 days before the divorce is final. I’m looking for a place to live right now. I’m leaning more towards an apartment or something so I don’t have yard work to do. I don’t mind doing yard work occasionally but I think it would get old after a while. R is letting me take the kitties though.
Last night while I was reading the comments that were left by my blogger sisters, I realized why I hadn’t blogged about all of this. It hurts. Even though this is what I want and what will be best for both of us in the long run it still hurts, bad. I’ve been to see a counselor once, just to figure out if I was making the right decision. I’ve given this so much thought, ok, this whole thing has done nothing but consume me and eat at me for months now. I’ve come to accept the fact that I am ok with being divorced. I am ok with being alone. No matter what happens I will be ok. I’m still scared to death though. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes not. I just know that it’s time for me to work on me being happy. This is step one.

Over

2008-06-23T16:13:00.001-05:00

A lot has happened since the last time I blogged. Basically the long and short of it is that I decided that I wanted out. We are now talking divorce and all the things that come along with that. On the good side though, we are remaining civil. We have both decided that there is no reason for us not to be civil; it will make things easier both now and in the long run. We want to remain friends after this. Last week we talked about who wanted what and how we were going to separate everything. We had no problems with that. Everything has been going smooth thus far, I just hope it stays that way. We should be fine as long as his mother stays out of it. That’s another story for another day though. I haven’t blogged about this yet because I’m not sure what to say or even where to start. Ironically, I was the one who wanted the divorce but I’m the one who doesn’t want to talk about it. I do have an appointment with an attorney in the morning though. We’ll see how that goes.

Summer Already

2008-05-20T09:47:00.001-05:00

102! That's how hot it was here yesterday!!! 102 degrees!!! We tied the record high set in like 1942 or something. May 19th and it’s 102!!! The only downfall about living in Texas is the heat!!! It gets so damn hot here!!! Oh well, summer is officially here!!

Dirty Laundry

2008-05-19T12:26:00.002-05:00

A month ago I gave R a letter that said I’m unhappy and here are the reasons why I’m unhappy. The letter wasn’t all, here’s what you’re doing wrong, it was here’s why I’m unhappy and what I’m feeling is happening to us. We talked and he is really making an effort to make things better. What I don’t understand is why isn’t this making me happy? Is it a little too late? Should I have said something sooner? What is my problem?
There are so many issues I feel are causing problems in our relationship. He brought up a good point the other day. We were married in June 2003 and my back problems started in August 2003. The problem was finally fixed in August 2007 but I’m still not back to 100%. I don’t know if part of the problem we are having is us trying to have a normal relationship after all the back problems, you know, like finding a “routine” that works for both of us.
About a month before I gave him this letter, he “cornered” me one day and we had a “talk”. We needed to communicate more because we don’t communicate well and all our talks end up in fights. Then a month later I gave him the letter because what we talked about wasn’t working, nothing had changed. We can’t talk about anything serious with arguing. My guess would be 99.9% of the conversations we have end up with one of us getting mad. It’s really hard to communicate and try to work on things when this is happening.
Another of my hang-ups is the fact that we never go anywhere or do anything. It took me a long time to remember and realize that I used to go and do all the time. I was never at home, now I’m always at home and it’s driving me nuts. I hate it. Unfortunately, R is not good with the public, he never wants to go anywhere or do anything but when we do it’s always hectic.
The last issue to tackle is the restaurant and I don’t even want to go there right now.
So, here it is, most of my “dirty laundry” for everyone to see. These are some of the bigger problems that I feel R and I are battling. The reason I’ve been thinking of seeing a therapist is to find out why I’m acting and responding the way I am. I can sit back and pin-point exactly what I’m doing. I realize what I’m doing but I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it or control it.

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

The truth is that we do not need pleasurable circumstances and events to evoke happiness with us. Happiness is within us at all times. Just as soon as we make the decision to be happy, regardless of our circumstances, it manifests.
No person, thing or circumstance controls our response to that person, thing or circumstance. We choose our own responses. We have complete control over our state of mind and happiness is a decision that we make between our ears.

“Knowing” that you are in complete and total control of your life, and that no one or no thing can have any control or influence over you without your permission puts you in the place of power.

13 Affirmations

2008-05-17T09:04:00.004-05:00

I will explain everything later and in somewhat more detail but I’m sure that by now you know that I’m not happy and haven’t been happy. I know I’ve been unhappy in my current situation for over a year but I’ve been trying to just “hide” it. I’ve learned that this only works for so long. Eventually everything seems to blow up in your face and then you have a complete shit-storm to deal with instead. I have been looking for a counselor/therapist to see. I have finally realized and accepted that the problems are within me, not anyone else. So on that note, here are 13 daily affirmations that I’m going to try to instill in myself.

1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life. I accept the responsibility.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious act must be to remove negativity from my life.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
9. The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past, I am a new person.
10. All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.

Signs & Baby Steps

2008-05-10T13:43:00.000-05:00

I was reading an article in a magazine today and this was a quote in there:
The only person who can ultimately change that opinion for you is you. If you don’t change your mind, your mind will not get changed.

The past few weeks my life has been filled with “signs”, things that appear because they are supposed to be there for me to see and they make me feel better and more at peace with everything that’s been going on… anything and everything from someone saying something “random”, a song that comes on the radio at the “right” time, an email… (for those who don’t believe in all these “coincidences”, I can only imagine how ridiculous this must sound… I’m fine with that though, trust me). In one way I feel like it’s so bizarre, almost like life is surreal, that my thoughts and decisions are being validated, but maybe they are, maybe the universe knows that I need these signs. Something has to change, and I know this now, but the hard part is figuring out what part to change. Which leads me to this….
The baby steps… dc and I were talking about life and I made the comment that I would like a “life redo”…
M: I would like a life redo
D: Why?
M: So that I could change my life
D: Can’t you do that now?
M: Huh? What?!? (with a look of utter confusion on my face)
D: Start over, now, today, tomorrow. Trim the fat but take baby steps. Think about one small tiny thing that makes you unhappy. What purpose does it serve? Can you change it to make you happy, is it worth it? Fix it or get rid of it. Each thing you conquer builds you up in so many different ways.
M: Phenomenal!!

This might be plainly obvious to some people but apparently it’s not (or wasn’t) to me. I mean, I guess I know that you can always change stuff but I’m not sure exactly how to say this or whatever… maybe it’s because of the magnitude of what’s going on, that I’m not “supposed” to be thinking about changing stuff like this because it’s just wrong. All I know is that it took him saying that to me to fully understand and realize that I can change my life if I’m unhappy. I have the power to do it, I can do it, and there’s nothing wrong with starting small. I know that being able to be happy in one area of my life will so help with all the other areas. So onward change, here I come!

Happiness

2008-05-05T10:47:00.004-05:00

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking… working on trying to figure out what makes me happy. This isn’t really a “coherent” post, more just like a collection of things I’ve found in random places that I think are appropriate and that fit here. Lessons I’m trying to learn, values to instill in myself, random things. I’m working on changing to be a better and happier person.

Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.

Christopher Robin said to Pooh: “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time, often just one baby-step at a time and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. Stop waiting..... There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

You can learn to accept change with equanimity, absorbing each phase in stride and learning from each new experience. Instead of running for the hills each time a change arises, deal with change in three distinct stages: Loosen your grip, separate your feelings, and tap into wisdom. Learning to make peace with life's calamities—lost jobs, romances, dreams—does not mean you have to be passive.

"No matter where the problem is, how acute it may be, or how difficult the person may be, there is in the final analysis no one to change but yourself." - - Joseph Murphy

I kept looking for ways to fix the outside world so that I would enjoy it more. The problem is - the outside world is very resistant to being "fixed", especially the people in it. They seem to resent it if you try. What I know now is that none of those problems were outside me at all. As Joseph Murphy says, there was never anyone to change but me. And when I finally got miserable enough, I became willing to start work on myself. Here's the interesting part - as soon as I stopped blaming God and everyone else for my problems and took full responsibility for what I had created, my life began to change. I didn't see it at first, but I can sure see it now as I look back to that point 15 years ago. It reminds me of a little saying that I saw years ago - "My, how you've changed, since I changed." All that stuff I fought about in the outside world seemed to take care of itself when I started taking care of myself. So why am I telling you this story? Well, if there's any person, place or thing in your life that you think needs to be changed, why not think of it as a sign that there is something in you that needs work? Then ask that guiding Spirit within you what needs to be done, in you.
That doesn't mean that there is never any action to be taken in the outside world. It just means that you accept full responsibility for the situation being in your life, and you take corrective action without blame. You act in love, for yourself and others.

My Motto

2008-05-01T09:22:00.002-05:00

So recently I decided that I was going to start working on myself… making myself a better person (working on my self-esteem issues along with other things) and start taking better care of myself…
I’ve been walking after work several times a week and I am really enjoying it so far… of course summer isn’t here yet so we’ll see how much I enjoy it when it’s a million degrees outside… hopefully by then I will be in a routine so it won’t be so “horrible”… I need to start eating better but I have to go to the store before I can do that and I am so not wanting to go to the store…
Anyways let’s get to the point… I have about a ton of music downloaded at home… last night I was trying to get out of my sad funk so I started randomly picking some tunes to listen to… I came across this song and realized I had never listened to the whole thing before so I cranked it up because I knew I really liked the chorus… thanks to Ja Rule and his song “New York New York” I am inspired… this has become my new motto:

“You can't take shit for granted, life is too short...

I'm not cocky, I'm confident

if you tell me I'm the best it's a compliment”

Oh yeah, I spent the majority of last night trying to figure out how to add tunes to my blog… no luck so far but I’m still working on it… I’m hoping to figure out how I can add a playlist…

Changes

2008-04-28T11:19:00.003-05:00

I don’t deal with things very well… I’m pretty sure it’s the approach I use… just don’t deal with it… just push it to the side until it gets to be so big and such an issue that I am forced to deal with it… over and over I’ve been shown that this technique for dealing with things isn’t effective but I still continue to use it because well, it’s the easiest… avoidance is my policy… like I said, not the best way to go but right now it’s how I roll…
Like usual, I’ve had all sorts of craziness going on in my head… normally I try to force something to happen instead of just letting life take its course… dc made a comment to me one night about me and my “self esteem issues”… something along the lines of, I have no idea where these come from… so I’ve been thinking on that… you know, I mean, I know where they come from but at the same time I need to respect and love myself more… if I don’t love me how can I expect anyone else to love me? so, in this confusing time of my life I have decided that I am going to work on me… km and I walked last week and I have decided that I am going to start walking… I have too plus I think it will make me feel better. I need to work on me… I need to figure out what will make me happy… what do I need? I’m doing a good job of figuring out what I don’t want and what doesn’t make me happy… so what will?
Some people think that believing in “signs” is silly… when I say signs I mean things that appear or come to you that you weren’t expecting… an email, something someone says to you, the weather, having your cards read… stuff like that… “signs that the universe sends you”… because as I’ve learned, everything happens for a reason… there are not really any coincidences… since Monday I have been getting sign after sign… one almost every day… and these are helping me to believe that I am heading in the right direction… that what I’m feeling is “right”…
I’m sorry for being so vague right now… there is a lot going on right now and I’m just not sure where everything is going to go… as of now I know what I need to do and I’m preparing myself for that…

Here is the first part of my weekly horoscope: There is a lot going on beneath the surface this week, courtney, the kind of thing that you can't quite get a handle on. You sense that there is a shift happening, but know that you have no control over what is about to take place. It is as though fate has the upper hand, but you are still master of your destiny. What is needed is to understand yourself from a deeper perspective than just your personality.

Weekend Wrap-Up

2008-04-21T10:17:00.002-05:00

It was so nice to actually have a weekend and not constantly be working… I didn’t do much of anything Saturday afternoon… we did go to Atwood’s… it was good, not quite as exciting as I had myself hoping it would be, but it was still good!! They did have little baby ducks, rabbits, chicks, & geese you could buy though…. they were cute!! I bought a little 4 pack of gardening tools and yesterday I cleaned out one of our flower beds… I didn’t buy any flowers and it’s a good thing, that one little flowerbed worked me over! Next weekend we’re going to try to trim the bushes and then I want to clean all the weeds out of it… it was so nice to be able to rest and relax and not feel so rushed, like I have a million things to do and no time to do them…
Ok, dc… he called Saturday night… R and I had just started Michael Clayton and my cell rings… it’s dc… so after I almost have a coronary and recover we start talking… he wasn’t an ass although it would have been easier if he had of been… he was very apologetic about some misconceptions that I had- like the reason we quit talking… and I also get some “issues” cleared up that had been on my mind forever… don’t get me wrong, I have more questions for him but Saturday night was kinda catch up night… we were on the phone for over 2.5 hours when his landline phone was going dead so he called me from his cell… we talked for about 45 more minutes and joked about how we used to talk like this all the time… I felt so much better after we talked… I’m not sure where to go with this now… I know, these pickles I usually get myself into are usually my fault…
On the bright side, today is a short day for me… I get to go to the dentist at 3:00… and I love going to the dentist… I love how clean my teeth feel afterwards… plus, momma cleans my teeth… bonus!!! And after this week we only have 8 more weeks until vacation!!!

Something Different

2008-04-19T10:53:00.005-05:00

Like always, as I recently discovered, my thoughts are crazy and all over the place… so last night on the way home from my massage I decided that I was just going to call dc and get it over with… do you remember that super sick rolling nauseous feeling you got the first time a boy called you or you called a boy… like, I would rather be doing anything in the world besides this right now… I start feeling that and I’m like, omg, what is my problem?!? I’ve known dc since we were like little…I can call him to say hi… I don’t know if it’s wrong or not… I feel like it is and that’s why I’m justifying it… I just really want to talk to him- you know, you can’t have it so you want it thing… honestly, now that he’s been on my mind for about 4 days straight, I really think if he does call me back, he’ll be an ass… which is fine… closure. Oh yeah, I had to leave a message… it was apparently his “business” line… the house next door to his parent’s… I think him and his dad (maybe) went into business?!?! And most embarrassing, I called three times… the first time my ear bud died (on my way home right after I decided I had to call him), called him from home, the 1st time, got the answering machine and could barely hear the message so I hung up… it took me a little but I managed to put two and two together and realized that must be the business line… what the hell, I called again, yes, again, I know, how desperate is that, I only hope they don’t have caller id, by this time I had worked myself up into a crazy frenzy and have no idea what I said on the message… I remember some of it but not all of it… but, it’s out of my hands now, his move… Now every time the phone rings I get nervous… why does this boy intimidate me like this?!?!
Anyways, today I think (hope) that R and I are going to go to Atwood’s, technically it’s called a “ranch and home” store but they have so much more than just that… I want to maybe get some flowers for this little flower bed in the front of the house… R wants a new weed eater… plus, I’ve never been and I really want to go, R said I would love it… so I’m super excited about this and really hope he’ll feel like going when he gets home from work… he’s been hectic already today! And bonus, I have no work to do this weekend other than CT payroll… very nice!!!

I’ll let you know how Atwood’s is… I can only imagine your excitement- a farm and ranch store!

Always on the Crazy Train

2008-04-18T12:12:00.004-05:00

I was looking thru my blog searching for what I wrote about dc a long time ago and came across a common theme… most of my blogs contain something along the lines of: I feel crazy, I don’t know why I’m acting this way, why do I feel this way?, I’m so depressed…
I don’t think I understood what an emotional rollercoaster I was before now… don’t get me wrong, I know I’m a basket case, but I suppose I had no idea it was as all consuming as it is… I do know that I hate feeling this way and I hate acting the way I act sometimes… like suddenly getting mad over something stupid and insignificant or having a crazy ass mood change in front of people (very obvious, to me anyways)… I don’t know what to do about it though… I’m on all kinds of meds now and apparently they’re not working… or maybe they are and this is just life… I don’t know but I wish I did… surprise, this realization makes me sad...

All Aboard the Crazy Train

2008-04-17T20:18:00.008-05:00

I don’t really know where to start… it’s been so long since I’ve actually blogged... and be warned, this is kinda crazy... like way outta left field...
Ok, I’m going to flat out ask because I have no idea what to do... has anyone ever felt this way or do you know anyone that has… what do you do? It goes back to the boy I blogged about so long ago… Thinking … anyways, it doesn’t really matter… to summarize the long lost blog about dc I would say:
Known each other from church since we were little
Friends especially as we got older and it was the whole boys are new and they maybe don’t have cooties anymore stage…
Still friends all the way thru our sophomore year in college… something happens and we hardly ever speak again… the last few times I saw him he was kinda an ass to me…
For some reason I can’t let this go… it bugged me for a while then went away… it’s back now… I had a dream about him several months ago and now he pops into my head at the most random times (and lately more and more)…
Yesterday I was talking to my hairdresser (the one I commented about) and she had been telling me how she had run into all these guys from her past in a really short time span… we started joking about me and she brought dc up… I said, I have been thinking about him lately and I am dying to see/talk to him… I leave to head home but decide to call her to see if she maybe wants to get a beer or a drink if she doesn’t have any plans… she was going to dinner with a friend and said I could join them, nah, I’ll just head home, thanks though… she calls me and says, you’re not going to believe this but we walked into the restaurant and she said dc was sitting right there!!!! OMG!!!! WHAT?!?!? I so should have gone… so anyways, she’s like, oh hey, Courtney and I were just talking about you… he’s like, tell her hi… if I only would have gone…
This whole situation is driving me absolutely insane… me with the way I’m acting and then the fact that I can get N-O information about him… I have half a mind to call him but that makes my tummy turn… so, I ask, what is wrong with me?!?!? This situation has me thinking crazy thoughts… what am I thinking though?!?! Anyone?? Anyone??
I’m officially a passenger of the Crazy Train now.

I have more to say on this… well, him others, they’re all connected/related… later though, it's almost time to do the daily sheet... (and my wine glass is empty)

One More Day

2008-04-14T09:17:00.002-05:00

this is me today... dead tired... only one more day til tax season round 1 is over with... no more 80+ hour weeks... i'll actually have and be able to enjoy my weekends... i can't wait!!!

Shout Out!

2008-04-07T09:42:00.005-05:00

I have to send a "Shout Out" to Carl!!! He won Texas this weekend!!! YAY!!! His 3rd win so far this year!!! So here are a few pictures for you to enjoy celebrating his win!!! NASCARL!!!

R and I

2008-03-24T11:36:00.003-05:00

here is a pic of R and I at his dad's wedding last weekend... I'm working on getting something posted I just haven't had any time... hopefully soon though!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2008-03-17T14:08:00.002-05:00

Better!

2008-03-05T15:16:00.003-06:00

Today is a good day… yesterday wasn’t a bad day either but I think that was mainly because I left work early… R had a stress test and an echocardiogram scheduled for 3:00 and 4:00 yesterday… good news though, his stress test came back good and instead of us having to make an appt to come in and get the results of his echo we can just call in about 2 weeks for the results… woohoo!! It’s amazing how much less stressed things are at the house now… a very noticeable difference…
I’m so excited because I voted in our primary yesterday… (it’s only the 2nd time I’ve ever voted)… I’m getting into the election this year, well, more than ever before- I usually never even pay attention…
I am feeling better emotionally… I really don’t know if it’s the med changes or my mind… I’m not sure if the med changes would be noticeable this quick but all we did was increase two meds by 1 pill each… I think that they are curbing my appetite though… thankfully!!!
R’s dad called him at lunch today (mind you he knows lunch is a busy time for him but it never fails, he always picks the “best” times to call)… his dad is getting re-married on the 22nd… so he calls to see if R will be his best man… he said, I was going to ask your brother to do it but I thought I should ask you since you’re the oldest… R calls to tell me and I start asking him questions like, where, when, what type of dress (casual, dressy, etc), and other questions that you would think his dad would have the answers too… nope, his dad can’t answer any of the questions except for the date of the wedding… he said, let me find out and I’ll get back to you on everything… he says to R, just wear the tux you wore at your wedding… um, ok, we had this conversation before our wedding- we rented it… then he brings up the rehearsal dinner and that R will need to be there for it but it’s on Friday night… R says, um, I’ll have to see what I can do about that, Friday is a really busy day for us and we don’t have any people that could really “be” R that night… so poor R, he calls me and the first thing out of his mouth is “well, the stress is back”. On the bright side, at least it’s only a temporary stress and there’s nothing we can really do about it… but… I’m slightly stressed now too because I don’t even own a dress… I have no idea what to wear… no idea where it’s going to be… that’s awesome!!! (don’t get me wrong, I’ll figure something out- I’m going to email his sister and see if she knows anymore than we do- I’m not that stressed about it though, to me it’s nothing to get too worked up about- plus, his dad is just stressful in general!!) Oh yeah, they haven’t even sent out the invitations yet- they’re still working on them…
Ok, enough about stress… onto something better… I’ve been thinking about this and really wanted to send a "shout out" to thank you, my friends, for being there for me… thank you for the emails & conversation, comments (that helped immensely), for just “being there”, and for listening to me rant and rave… to my blogger sisters, it still amazes me how people that you’ve never met before (in person) can become such an significant part of your life… I am so glad that Kelly introduced me to blogging… I would have never made such good friends had she not…
Today I’m grateful for: friends- both far and near- I hope you know how appreciated and special you are to me!

ASPCA

2008-03-04T11:49:00.000-06:00

The Craziness Continues...

2008-03-03T11:15:00.003-06:00

This is going to be another random post… jumping from here to there… ranting, raving, crying… who knows what all it will encompass…
Lately I spend all of my time working… I have four jobs… yes, some of them are “seasonal” but right now I’m working 4 jobs… my job at WMP, taking care of the Cedar Tree stuff, bookkeeping for km and co-workers, and tax time… I do miss having free time but I know that I won’t be working this hard for too much longer… tax season round 1 is over in a month and a half… speaking of taxes, I really need to finish getting our stuff together so we can file… I’m so close to being done but there is so much to get together this year I’m a little overwhelmed… I’ll get it taken care of though… hopefully this week…
GOOD NEWS: Carl won the race in Las Vegas yesterday… Race 3 of the year and he’s won the last 2!!!! I worked while we watched the race yesterday… it was a really good race too!!! he had an issue during post-race inspection so we’ll have to wait and see what the outcome of that is… but he did win!!! So far it’s looking like a good season for Carl and the #99 team!!!
“Real” Life:
This morning I had an appt with my psychiatrist… this was one of those times I didn’t want to go because I knew he was going to upset me… (I think if I phrase it like this it makes me feel better- I was already upset I just knew he was going to ask questions and then I’d have to talk about everything and get even more upset but that’s just part of it)… I do love my head shrinker dr though… he is really awesome… so we’re changing my meds up… increasing the dosage on two of the billion I take…
I’ve been super emotional lately… some of the blurbs I mentioned two blogs ago are really appropriate… being angry, waking up depressed, thinking my life is shitty, and so on… I feel I have been trying to do everything in my power to stay positive and to keep an upbeat attitude but I feel like it’s not working… I’m tired, worn out, and have no motivation… trying to get myself to do anything is a battle… I’ve been taking everything super personally…. Needless to say I’ve been an emotional wreck lately… so this morning at the dr I didn’t even bring up the fact that I’ve been thinking about babies… if I can’t even keep myself in check and in control how am I going to take care of someone else?!? I go back in two weeks though to see how the med adjustment is doing…
I've also been eating like crazy... like there's no tomorrow... besides trying to shut everyone out, I think this is my way of trying to deal with everything, to just eat... I bought a pair of jeans maybe three weeks ago and they are already getting way too tight!!! I hate this and I have to do something about it but it seems that all I can think about is food...
The weather here has been absolutely nuts for several weeks… yesterday it was 82, today we have a chance of snow- up to 3” (with a high of 40- that was this morning when I woke up)… and tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the 60’s… maybe that’s why everyone is still sick and can’t get over this crap that’s going around… I’ve been battling the flu/sinus nastiness for the 2nd time… R has it for the first time, still, and can’t shake it… he’s been thru one round of antibiotics and he’s still sick… it seems that almost everyone is sick with this stuff and it lingers… once you get it you can’t get rid of it…
One final rant before I go… I try so hard to be a nice person and to help anyone out when I can… it seems that the more and more you try to help certain people the more and more they take advantage of your niceness… then they expect you to do everything for them all the time… like I don’t have enough of my own stuff to do and take care of… I’m not saying I mind helping people out or mind doing stuff for people it just frustrates me to no end that people take advantage of your niceness…
Today I’m grateful for my psychiatrist and my wonderful understanding willing-to-put-up-with me and all my craziness husband…

Carl (NASCAR)

2008-02-25T20:14:00.002-06:00

I wore my Carl Edwards shirt to work today to support him since the race was rained out yesterday... the only gripe I have is not being able to see him so his flip since I was working... he won though!!! way to start the season off!!!!
Go Carl Go!!!!

Edwards outduels reigning Cup champ in Calif.

Random

2008-02-25T11:54:00.002-06:00

I wish I had the guts to do what I wanted to do for a living… first I need to find out what it is I want to do…

Change your mind ... and EVERYTHING changes.

You know it is bad when you wake up depressed!

I notice more and more days where I'm filled with a nearly uncontrollable rage.

Sometimes I think my life is so shitty, but I know on the outside, to others it looks pretty good. I don't know which one I should believe.

Right when I think you could not be more of an asshole you kick it up a notch.

Beloved one, may you always know that "the force is with you."
May you experience moment after moment of grace, presence, and awareness of the good in yourself and in the world around you.
You are precious, valuable, worthy, capable, and loved.

These are just some of the thoughts (and bits and pieces I've borrowed from all the True Confession websites) that have been running thru my head for several weeks now… my emotions have been a roller coaster… up and down… I thought it was just pms now I’m not sure what it is… I’ve been taking my meds, even though I was thinking about quitting them before my emotions took over and started on the roller coaster… I do have a dr. appt with my psychiatrist Monday… this morning when I was leaving for work the kitties looked so sad to see me go (probably because I’m never home anymore- I’m always working- and when I am home I’m still working)… I was ok until I got to work and then I just wanted to cry…
R and I have been busy… work, work, and more work… I’ve been working at my “regular” 8- 5 job then working after work either over at the office on tax returns or at the house on bookkeeping… yesterday I worked from the time I got up until 8:30… R and I were in bed and asleep by 9… (on the good side, I am almost thru gathering up all the information for our taxes)…
I have a dr. appt at the back institute tomorrow that I am really looking forward too (a day off from work)…
Last Tuesday km found out that she’s having a baby… her first dr. appt is tomorrow… hopefully she’ll find out how far along she is… I am so excited for her but yet I have mixed feelings inside me… and I know where these feelings are coming from… I just don’t know what to do about them…
Back in December I blogged about something that I’d been doing some heavy thinking about but never published it… I just saved it as a draft because I was scared to publish it… R has been bringing up babies for several months now… I have a suspicion that he’s ready to have one… I mentioned it to a co-worker’s wife and her friend that were up here on day but never said anything to anyone else… I suppose I was scared… scared of what people might say or think… I know that sounds stupid but it’s the truth…
I was waiting until my dr. appt tomorrow but the back dr. to talk to him about having a baby and see what he said… do I need to wait a certain amount of time? I’m not about to do something that might mess up my back… then I have an appt with my psychiatrist Monday and then on the 11th I go to the ob/gyn… I had planned to talk to them all and see what their thoughts were on me having a baby… now I feel that if I do that everyone will think R and I are just copying whatever km and her husband do… you know what I mean, like, oh, km and hubby are having a baby so we should too… and that’s so not it… I realize that my feeling like this is really silly but I’m not sure what to do… I have been debating on whether or not to blog about this… I send her a link to my blog when I first started it but I don’t know if she reads it or not… I’m not sure if she even has time right now… I just needed to get it out though… to vent…I suppose we’ll just see where we go from here…
I’m working really hard on staying positive (even though some times it is so much more challenging than other times)… I have finished making my manifestation board… I want to post some pictures of it but I have to find time to do that… I also need to put some pictures up on my manifestation board… I don’t think my manifestation board will work too well if there’s nothing on it for me to manifest…
I’m grateful that I finished creating my manifestation board…

ASPCA

2008-02-15T08:46:00.002-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-13T20:27:00.002-06:00

4 Things

2008-02-13T19:41:00.008-06:00

Four things about me that you may or may not have known in no particular order.

4 jobs I have had in my life
1. McDonald's
2. Quantum Mortgage
3. Wells Fargo
4. Comet Cleaners

4 movies I've watched more than once:
1. Steel Magnolias
2. Grease
3. Casino
4. Pretty Woman

4 places where I have lived:
1. Sleepy Hollow (W.F.)
2. Fillmore (W.F.)
3. Featherston (W.F.)
4. Douglas (I.P.)

4 TV Shows that I watch:
1. Intervention
2. Miami/LA Ink
3. Rescue Me
4. Rob & Big

4 places I have been:
1. Cancun, Mexico
2. Negril, Jamaica
3. Zuni, New Mexico
4. Corpus Christi, Texas

4 people who e-mail me regularly:
1. Momma
2. Keli
3. Jennifer
4. Kelly (Girl!!)

4 of my favorite foods:
1. Cheeseburger
2. Frisco Burger
3. Hot Fudge Sundae
4. Pancakes

4 places I'd rather be right now:
1. With R
2. On vacation somewhere
3. In bed asleep
4. On Mary's table (getting a massage)

4 things I am looking forward to this year:
1. My 5th Wedding Anniversary
2. Working on our "new" house
3. Vacation
4. April 16th

Really??

2008-02-11T20:29:00.000-06:00

So R and I went to the cardiologist today... that was about the biggest waste of time... when we got there we couldn’t find a seat… luckily a couple got called back right as we were done checking in… so we sat there for almost 2 hours and then we finally get called back... the nurse comes in and does her thing and then the dr comes in.... he listens to R's chest in the front and the back, says, there's nothing wrong with your heart, but we'll do some tests to make sure... but we can't do the tests today so we'll have to schedule another appt to come back and do the damn tests!!! so he goes back on march 4th for another ekg and a stress test… after the tests we can make another appt to come back and discuss the results... huh?!?! Did I miss something??? Did we really just sit out there for almost 2 hours?!?! For this?!?! and of course all of this is really helping R's stress level out... (sarcasm noted) one more thing, R is now sick... he has the stuff that everyone else has... it's the flu, stomach virus, mess that i had recently....
AND...
Update on momma… this morning she called her orthopedic surgeon (o.s.) and family dr to see if they could get her in… the o.s. was booked but she finally got some cooperation from her family dr… they told her to come in at 3 and they’d work her in… meanwhile, the dr she saw on Friday night called to let her know that a radiologist had looked at her x-rays and said she broke her elbow and needs to be in a “long cast”… she told the dr about her “appt” this afternoon and the dr said she’d call her right back… they told momma to come get her x-rays and take them by a different o.s. and not to worry about going to see her family dr… she couldn’t put a cast on anyways… it has to be an o.s… her x-rays have been sitting on the surgeon's desk since before lunch today... she kept calling today and they finally said, “he’s been really busy, hopefully he'll get a chance to review them tomorrow"...her family dr said that if she still hasn't heard from the o.s. tomorrow afternoon to call her back... hello, this happened on Friday and no one has done anything (or can do anything) about it...
So my question is this… what kind of healthcare is this? We pay damn good money for our insurance and this is the best we get?!?! These are the best Doctors? Hospitals? Clinics? I jacked around with my old back dr for 4 years before I finally gave up and went down to the Plano… personally I think this is a sad sad situation… (Canada is looking better all the time!!!)
Ironically, Saturday night before the Bud Shoot Out several of us were having a discussion about tax deductions (I know, exciting!!! I know you wanna come hang with us!!!) and how screwed up it is that our government allows you to deduct 100% of your mortgage interest but only 2% of your medical expenses… hhhmmm… there is the possibility that even though I had back surgery this year and will probably be paying these damn people the rest of my life (even though I have insurance), our mortgage interest deduction amount will probably be larger than our medical deduction amount… and in my opinion this is completely backwards!!! Ok, let me step down off my soapbox… here’s hoping that the rest of the week gets better than today!!! I mean, it has too doesn’t it???

grateful for... health insurance

Random

2008-02-11T11:54:00.000-06:00

It’s been forever and a day since I’ve had a chance to blog… tax season is here and I’m helping km and her sister and mom out (all 3 are cpa’s)… plus bookkeeping for them as well as my “regular” 8 – 5 job and the restaurant stuff… then, to top if off I have all my “household duties”…
R had a dr. appt on 1/30 and she referred him to a cardiologist… we have an appt today at 3:45… he had been having chest pains the week before and wanted to go in for a check up… he has high blood pressure and cholesterol and his family history of heart problems and stuff is horrible…the ekg they did in the office came back “abnormal”… not sure what that means and she didn’t really get into it… hopefully today the cardiologist can tell us more… I know R is really stressed and worried about this and I am too but I’m really trying not to show it because I know that will only stress him out more…

The 1st Saturday in February was our last Saturday off until tax season is over… luckily Kelly had planned Boo’s 30th birthday party for that weekend and we were able to make the trip down there for that!! It was so nice to get away and go visit them!! We had a good time and I’m so glad we were able to make it for Boo’s 30th birthday!!!

Wednesday night I went to a class at the HACC. I’ll get more into that later… I’m really excited about what I learned and about my manifestation board I’m going to make… the things I learned fell right into place with everything else I’ve been learning… I love it when that happens!!!
Friday momma was walking and fell… long story short, she landed face first on the concrete… cut her eyebrow, her nose where her glasses sit, and her upper lip under her nose was all cut… she fell on her right arm… she ended up going out to the clinic that night (I met her and grandma out there after my massage- I tried to tell her I’d take her & cancel with Mary but she wasn’t having it!!!) they wanted to put stitches in her eyebrow but she wasn’t having it… she just wanted her arm checked… the dr. out at the clinic just called and said it looks like she broke her elbow and needs a long cast… poor momma… we don’t know why she fell (that scares me) and I was so scared just seeing her like that… the situation has always been reversed… she has been taking care of me… I’m not saying I mind taking care of her, it’s just scary when it first happens because I’ve never been in that situation before…

Saturday our new windows were installed!!! YAY!!! They look so good!!! It is unbelievable the difference that they make too!!! you have to listen for the highway noise now… it’s not drafty anymore… and the windows don’t rattle anymore!!!

BUD SHOOT OUT!!!! The Bud Shoot out was Saturday night… I consider this the “pre-race” before the Daytona 500!!! Racing season is back!!!! WooHoo!!! I am so excited!!!!

I’m going to actually try to do some real work for a little bit… at least until I have to leave to go with R to the dr… I’ll be back asap to get into more details on some things and update on other things… until then, peace, not pieces…

Cat Facts

2008-01-30T19:54:00.000-06:00

Very interesting cat facts (found here)…

Albert Schweitzer’s cat, Sizi, would often fall asleep on his right arm. Rather than disturb her, Schweitzer would write his prescriptions with his left arm and so became ambidextrous.

Almost half the cats on the estate of the late Ernest Hemmingway have six toes. Hemmingway, who shared his Key West home with more than 30 cats, once said, “A cat has absolute emotional honesty; human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.” *I love this quote!!!

The giraffe, the camel and the cat are the only animals to move forward by moving both their right feet, then both their left feet, when walking. This approach lets them move with grace and agility in perfect silence.

Winston Churchill commissioned a painting of his adored orange tabby, Jock, who slept in his bed every night, went to all of Churchill’s wartime cabinet meetings, ate at the same table and was with him when he died.

Cats with bells on their collars are often better hunters than those without. This is because they learn to move without the bell making a sound and become even more stealth-like than other cats.

Turkish Vans, unlike other cat breeds, adore water and have a waterproof coat.

Under the rubble of the World Trade Center, rescuers found three newborn kittens and their mom in a carton of napkins. The queen was named “Hope” and her babies “Freedom,” “Amber” and “Flag.”

Responsible

2008-01-30T09:45:00.000-06:00

So instead of working on payroll like I should be doing I decided to blog… I guess I should mention that today is the first day this week I’ve actually had some work to do… Monday and Tuesday were spent wishing for 5:00, reading True Office Confessions, and being extremely bored… and I suppose I didn’t blog because I had all the time in the world… today seems like it’s going to be a crazy day though… it’s payroll day and inevitably if the day is going to fall apart it’s going to either be Wednesday or Friday… R has a dr. appt today at 2:15… he called me last Thursday and said that he thinks he needs to go to the dr. for a physical… his dad had a heart attack at like 50 and in the back of R’s mind whenever something happens I think he’s imagining himself having a heart attack… of course though as soon as I made his dr. appt he’s been feeling fine… he’s still going though!!
Our windows for the house aren’t in yet but that’s ok… unless the installer wants to do it on Saturday I’m going to have to take off work to be there when they install the windows… then momma had a good question… can they get them all done in one day? I didn’t even think about that!!!
As for the living room furniture and the sliding glass door that is on hold for now… (R and I have been working on getting new living room furniture for about 2 years now)… the transmission in R’s truck is slipping really bad, it’s a very good thing work is only about 2 minutes away for him… he kept saying, I feel so bad that we’re buying a new motor and transmission for my truck… my response was, you can’t drive living room furniture to work… it was either fix the transmission or get him a “new” truck… he chose to fix his truck and I’m just glad we have the money to get it fixed…
For a little over the past month or so I thought my car had been running funny but I was having a really hard time telling because of the weather… nope, as of this morning it’s official… there is something wrong with it… the malfunction indicator light came on twice this morning on my way to work… it really scares me when lights come on and stay on… apparently the light is to let you know that there is something wrong with the emissions part of your car or something… I don’t know… I got the book out and was reading it… it was pretty much greek to me but I tried… I called R to tell him the “good” news… he was still asleep (at 8:45- must be nice!) and he said he’d call his dad and see what he says… we have a warranty on my car but I’m not sure if whatever is wrong with it will be covered… now another challenge, when and how am I going to get my car to the dealership…
So today I am grateful that we do have the money to get our cars fixed… (being “responsible” sucks!) :o)

Challenges

2008-01-24T11:25:00.001-06:00

When Kelly and her husband were down a few weekends ago we were talking about work and how easy it is to become distracted and disgruntled… up until this conversation I thought there was something wrong with me... at my previous job, at a call center, I loved it when I first started… when I got bored I would transfer to another team and learn a different job… at this job I don’t have that option… I’ve pretty much learned everything that I can learn without stepping on toes… I have no idea if rrll ever plans to retire (he was old enough to retire two years ago but still hasn’t- I would have so already been out of here!!)… I could learn his job but that’s a very sticky situation… and I’m not going there until I’m “told” too…I really love working here and I really don’t want to look for another job so I’m not sure what to do… I’ve been trying to think of ways to challenge myself… I bring a book or magazine to work everyday to read during lunch but don’t have the balls to just bust it out at my desk… I’m not sure that would go over too well… I get so bored with the internet… there’s only so much looking at it I can do… I’m working on updating my resume just in case I decide to look for something else… any ideas?

Icky

2008-01-22T12:09:00.000-06:00

i haven't been feeling good for a while now and yesterday i was feeling really bad so i left work early, went to the dr, and then came home and slept... at the clinic the dr. told me i had an upper respiratory infection, an inner ear infection, and a stomach virus... they gave me a shot and some antibiotics... i've pretty much been asleep since yesterday... except for the time i've spent dealing with the stomach virus... i am feeling better though... and that's a good thing... so here's to napping and catching up on all my shows i have dvr'd in hopes that tomorrow will be a much better day!!

since i've been home yesterday Mazzy & Murphy have both been sleeping with me and following me around (even to the bathroom)... they haven't even been being "bad" either... very impressive kitties, very impressive!!!

oh yeah, grateful... what am i grateful for today? i am grateful that i was sick today so that i didn't have to get out this morning and drive in the icy weather... it's only 26 here right now!!!

Pandas & Kitties

2008-01-18T19:30:00.001-06:00

i love this place.

they have the cutest pictures with the most hilarious captions... have i ever mentioned (probably only about a hundred times) that i L-O-V-E kitties and pandas!! L-O-V-E them!!!

Ranting & Raving

2008-01-17T10:41:00.000-06:00

Today I’m not so calm… at least I haven’t been for the past hour or so… I am pissed… oh so pissed… at rrll and my boss… rrll for not doing anything except working on his church (volunteer) work… he’s so damn concerned with getting his church work done that he puts his work that he does up here (that he gets paid to do!!!) last… um, I think it should be the other way around… anyways, my boss calls me to ask why his youngest son’s youngest daughter isn’t on his insurance… um, well, your lazy ass son and his lazy ass wife didn’t get their paperwork in on time to get her added on… and she wasn’t added on at open enrollment because we didn’t check open enrollment we checked family addition… now my boss is 10 shades of pissed because of all the “technicalities”… well, you know, if you have one kid or one hundred kids insured under our policy it all costs the same and they’re not going to add another kid on there if they can get around it… it’s as simple as that… but what really burns me up is that a year and a half ago when they had their first daughter we went thru the exact same thing!!! The exact same thing!!! Once again it rolls around to your son being lazy and used to having everything handed to him on a silver platter so he just expects for everyone to do everything for him… and hello, I gave his wife the insurance papers right after their daughter was born but it took them forever to sign them (3 weeks!!!! And she comes in every Friday to pick up his paycheck!!!) I even filled them out for them!!! All they had to do was sign them… so while I’m on the phone explaining this over and over to my boss a man walks in… I kinda motion for him to sit down because I’m on the phone and can’t help him right then… my boss keeps me on the phone forever (very unlike him) and finally I holler at dumbass, I mean rrll, to come help them… hello, rrll has a mirror on his door so he can see when someone walks in… I know he can see the guy sitting there… but once again, laziness and church work prevails… and it’s not “his job”… he’s very big on not doing anything that could not be considered “his job”… I just want to scream right now… my head and my ears are killing me… my head hurts so bad and my ears feel like they’re leaking some kind of fluid… I feel like poo and just want to go home and crawl into bed… if the day keeps going like it is I just might do that… I don’t know if I could have fit all this into TOC’s confession box so I thought I’d just get it out here… stupid freaking idiot… doh!!! (it’s a good thing I’ve been working on staying positive and feeling gratitude! Please note the sarcasm…)

What am I grateful for today… ok, today I am grateful for a job to bitch about…

Intervention

2008-01-16T09:48:00.000-06:00

I love Intervention… it is such a good show… the episode with brooke, the girl with rheumatoid arthritis, brought up a whole plethora of emotions that I haven’t felt in a long time… chronic pain sucks and it can change a person in so many different ways… it can change everything about them… it did for me… when my back problems first started and we couldn’t get my pain under control my dr. referred me to a pain management dr… the first dr. I saw immediately put me on oxycontin (and laughed when he told me he was going to put me on them, making some sort of reference to Rush Limbaugh) along with several other meds… talk about being messed up… the dr. told me how to take me meds and what my options were when the pain wouldn’t subside… family, friends, & co-workers saw me taking meds… like the girl on Intervention sometimes I would pass out from the meds… that was the sweetest relief… not being in pain… I wasn’t abusing the meds… I was taking them like they were prescribed… my family and some friends didn’t agree… they saw what they saw and thought I was abusing them… how can you tell me that I’m abusing them when you have no idea how I feel… I would do anything for no pain… and if that meant staying doped up and pilled out all the time (and the dr. said it was ok) then that’s how it was going to be… the dr. finally listened to me when I told him that the oxycontin weren’t working… he pulled me off of them (no gradual decrease in the meds) and put me on morphine patches… I had already given R my last two oxy’s and told him that no matter what happened do not let me have them… the withdrawals I went thru were so bad… to this day I have never experienced anything like that before… and I hope I never have too again… my body had become physically addicted to the meds and getting off them was a living hell… before this whole thing happened I could never understand how someone would chose to stay on the meds (or keep using)… after the withdrawals though, my whole perspective has changed… I can totally understand how it would be easier to just keep getting pilled out than to have to deal with the withdrawals and everything else that your body goes thru… I was reading this article about a lady dealing with her addiction and she said, “The withdrawal was horrific, I’d sleep 24 to 48 hours at a time. The worst would pass in a few days. But then I’d look at my life and feel bad. That’s the real pain when you’re an addict: Using hurts, but reality hurts worse.” So true, so very true.
Lucky for me, after getting off the oxycontin and my head cleared up a bit I realized that I did not want to live this way. Something needed to change… so I changed doctors… we worked to get me off all the “hard” medicine and then I was just taking pain pills… breaking the pain pill addiction isn’t as bad as the oxy addiction… I’ve broken the pain pill addiction several times and it doesn’t get any easier but at least I know I can do it… I know I have an addictive personality and I know I need to watch what I do… but dealing with chronic pain is a whole different ballgame altogether and it made me sad to watch Intervention and feel her pain, to understand and know what she’s going thru… my whole back ordeal has really opened up my perspective to a lot of things… and the one thing I keep trying to remember is not to judge someone else by their actions alone, you don’t know what they’re feeling or what they’re going thru…

Ok, now if you’ll excuse me I’ll step down off my soapbox.

I am so grateful that my back problem is no more... it has been taken care of and now I just need to take care of myself.

What?!?!

2008-01-14T20:21:00.000-06:00

YAY!!! so i was yakking the other day about windows on the house... we asked for gift cards/money for christmas so that we could replace our windows... ... r and i had decided to only do the front three and then wait until we had the rest of the money to do the rest of the windows...

we've been wanting to get new living room furniture for a while too... and we were kinda looking at a new sliding glass door until we saw how much labor was on the windows (and the door)... anyways, r and i got a check in the mail from our escrow account at our old house... this didn't even occur to me but when we closed on our old house our insurance and taxes were paid and so the money we had in our escrow account was refunded to us!!! Fo' Sure!!! so that was a totally unexpected (and very awesome) surprise!!! so r and i start to discuss different options... maybe do all the windows? front three windows and either furniture or a door??

kb and her hubby were in town this weekend (YAY- we had such a good time!! it was a good way to welcome the new house to the group!!!)... kb and i had to run to town saturday afternoon and when we got home r said that lowe's had called on the windows... did we know what we were going to do? i told him i'd call them sunday... i completely forgot about windows though (hhhmmm, wonder how that happened?!?!) until momma called sunday night... r and i were watching the hearbreak kid when she called... when r and i bought our first house six years ago we borrowed our closing costs from them and paid them back monthy... sneaky sneaky parents (but this time in such a good way)!!!! momma and daddy decided way back then that they were going to put that money into a savings account for us and give it to us sometime... when momma called sunday night she told me about the money and that her and daddy had been talking about giving it to us so we could put it towards a project for the house, like to do all the windows!! (they're not saying that's what we have to do- just an option)... OMG!!! pinch me, tell me i'm not dreaming!!! really?!?!? another excellent and awesome surprise!!!!

so, as of now, the new, improved, and revised plan of action:

i went at lunch yesterday and paid for all the windows!!!! they are ordered and will be here in 2 to 3 weeks... the installer will call as soon as the windows are in and he'll come hang them!!! oh yeah!!! this will help out incredibly on our heat and a/c bill!!! as well as highway noise!!! i am so excited (about some damn windows- of all things, but i am !!!)

new living room furniture!!! YAY!!!! now we just have to go look!!!

AND we're looking at possibly/probably a new sliding glass door too...

the rest will go into savings....

really?!?!? i am so excited!!!!

i'm not sure if it's the watching the thought thing, good luck, my meds are finally all good, or what but i'm really happy... i feel really happy... things are going really good... i think this is maybe how things are "supposed to be"...

i am grateful for all the opportunities that r and i have had (and will have) to better ourselves and our life together...

Gratitude

2008-01-14T19:43:00.000-06:00

lately i have consciously been making an effort to "watch my thoughts"... i have been trying to think positive thoughts as well as thoughts of gratitude instead of being negative and griping all the time... i've also been reading several books too... it seems that the underlying message i'm getting (right now) from everywhere is gratitude... gratitude towards everything... being thankful for everything (that i have, have had, and will have)... i wish i could explain how i'm feeling but i am having a very hard time putting it into words... it seems that when i think how lucky i am to have such great family that thought leads to how lucky i am to have such great friends and then onto how lucky i am to have such great kitties and on and on... when i'm in a bad mood or i can tell that's where i'm heading i've been trying to think positive thoughts or thoughts of gratitude... for the most part it has been working... don't get me wrong, it's not 100% foolproof but i've been very impressed with the "results"... for instance, instead of getting raving mad at rrll when he does something completely stupid i am trying to think to myself, i do things he may consider stupid too i'm sure and none of us are perfect... and i usually i find myself pitying him... not in a bad way though, more like an understanding... another example, road rage... that is a big one for me... if you're not driving the way i think you should be (according to how i'm driving at the time because my driving will vary) then you're driving the wrong way... um, ok, really, what sense does that make?!?! so i've been working on that... just driving... staying calm...

so i am going to challenge myself... each day i will find something to be grateful for... something to give thanks for...

so today i am grateful for this blog (and for the person who introduced me to blogging- GIRL!!!) this blog has done many things for me... the top two (in no particular order): it has allowed me to say whatever i want and it introduced me to my blogger sisters!!!

The House

2008-01-08T19:08:00.000-06:00

here are some pics of the house... please don't judge based on my horrible photos... i

apologize in advance... i am in dire need of a new camera!!

the front of the house (realtor pic)

standing in the entryway (the kitchen "window" and Mazzy with her lazer eyes on! she loves having her picture taken- she was in the ones the realtor took of our old house!!)

the living room (the view from the kitchen "window")

the kitchen

the dining room

the kitchen (standing in the study)

guest bathroom

green room (aka R's room- we didn't get it painted before we moved in so there is probably a snowballs chance in hell we'll ever get it painted!!)

our bedroom (more maroon than red- bad pics!!!)

the study (a disaster area right now- it's acting as the "catch all" room)

the guest bedroom (right now there's nothing in it but home "decor" i have out trying to figure out if i'm going to use or not; oh yeah, this is not my paint job!)

for the house having such hideous colors the only 2 rooms i'm really wanting to paint are the green room and the purple room... the color of the master bedroom and the guest bath somehow managed to work out pretty good... i love our bedroom!!!

Portionpals

2008-01-07T13:31:00.001-06:00

momma "recycles" all her old magazines to me... reading one of the magazines this weekend i came across these new things called portionpals... i'm not sure if this would work for me or not... i found this very interesting though... any ideas or thoughts? do you think it would work??

portionpals

2008

2008-01-07T10:34:00.000-06:00

I feel like I have been so busy… but then when I think back about what I’ve been busy with I draw a blank…. So anyways I feel like I’ve been busy…
I have decided that going back to work after vacation sucks… but at least I get a vacation so that I can complain about having to go back… the first “week” back (ok, really only 3 days) weren’t too bad… I’m all caught up now from vacation…I think it was a good thing that vacation was over though… the kitties and I seem to do a little better with some sort of structured routine… (although I do believe that we could find a routine if I was lucky enough to get to quit work- one day!)
R and I decided before the holidays that we were going to ask for gift cards to either Lowe’s or Home Depot, one or the other, so we picked Lowe’s… and after listening to our single pane windows rattle from the wind and the highway noise we decided that we would buy new windows for the house… and surprisingly we are excited about the windows… Saturday night we went to Lowe’s and picked up our quotes… we asked them to quote the front windows and then the rest of the windows… we only have a total of 8 windows to replace but to replace all 8 of them would be right around $4,000… having the front 3 (that all face the street) replaced will be around $1,700… (when R and I were pricing windows we discovered that most of the windows we need actually cost less than the labor to have them installed)… labor is $160 a window… and like the living room and our bedroom have “one” window but they’re actually two windows put together to make one window (does that make any sense??)… so it’s really $320 to have those “two” windows installed… quite tricky the Lowe’s people are… anyways, we have several options… we could just have the front windows done or go ahead and have them all done… we could have them all done by financing them thru Lowe’s for a year interest free or from our savings account… both of those options make me a little nervous right now though considering we haven’t even made our first house payment yet… I’d kinda like to see how everything is going to fall money and bill-wise with our new house payment…. anyways, new windows are coming soon and I’m so excited!!!!
I decided this year not to really make any new year resolutions… why set myself up for disappointment and failure so early in the year… but I do need to do something about my weight… I got on the scale this morning for the first time in I don’t know how long and was shocked but not too shocked… I’ve been avoiding the scale because I can tell that I’ve been gaining weight just by the way my clothes are fitting… it’s a good thing I didn’t get rid of my “fat” clothes after I lost all that weight 2 years ago… otherwise I would have no jeans to wear… so right now I’m debating on joining weight watchers again or just trying to go it alone… alone doesn’t seem to work for me though… I do miss my skinnier self and my self confidence that went along with it… that’s the great debate right now…
R and I were productive over the weekend… we got a lot of stuff done around the house… and today the cleaning lady is coming to clean so hopefully when I get home tonight I can take pics of the house and post them… I’m really excited… the house is looking so good… I just hope that the kitties are ok with the cleaning lady though… Murphy will be but it’s Mazzy I’m worried about… when the doorbell rings she runs and hides under the bed… I can only imagine what she’s thinking with some stranger in the house cleaning… and then when she runs the vacuum… poor Mazzy… hopefully she’ll get used to her though…
So far 2008 has been a really good year and I’m hoping this trend continues!!! I just keep reminding myself of all the good things in my life… and of all the good things to come!!!

Nipped Out

2007-12-31T10:22:00.000-06:00

i never cease to amaze myself... i think, man, i'm on vacation, i have all this time to blog, and never do!! oh well, what can you do... anyways, Christmas was good although i am always glad when it's over...
an interesting note, Murphy has figured out how to open doors... i always thought he was kinda a slow kitty, now i know better... he just acts slow... but yes, he can open doors!!! and bless his heart, he's been on weight control food (and i've been feeding him the amount to lose weight) and he's still gaining... poor guy!!! i have decided i'm going to get him a leash and harness and take him out back for walks... i bought him a harness but it doesn't fit... he's a happy cat though!!!
the kitties got a catnip bouquet from Dirt... Dirt is my brother and his wife's cat... (he is so cute, he looks cross-eyed)... here are some pics of the kitties and their bouquet... (more like nipped out of their minds!!)
from our furry family to yours, Mazzy, Murphy, R, and I wish everyone a Happy New Years!!!

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T15:49:00.000-06:00